Weeklies

Comic: "New Avengers #50"
Published by: Marvel Comics
Written by: Bendis
Artist: Tan

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 3/9/2009

Plot: The new Avengers are all pissed off about the Dark Avengers pretending to be them. Boy, oh boy are they ever gonna go and clean their clocks but good. So the Avengers are going to lure the dark Avengers, see, they have to lure them somewhere for the big superhero fight, because they don’t want to mess up Bucky America’s safe house. So to do this luring they send Spiderwoman to go pretend to rat them out, ‘cause that’s all she’s good for is being a double triple quadruple agent. So the Avengers go to the old Hellfire club, ‘cause… ‘cause…. no reason really. But the Dark Avengers don’t show up, The Hood and his gang of Supervillians who were gonna do some big thing right before the Skrull invasion but never got around to it show up instead, and there’s this big fight. Afterwards, Clint Barton, who used to be Hawkeye who died and then came back from the dead cause… cause… well, it’s a loose end… anyway, Clint isn’t Hawkeye now, he’s Ronin, ‘cause… ‘cause… the costume was lying around after the deaf chick who was using it went somewhere. And she was using it after Daredevil used it, I think. I hope somebody washed it at some point… Anyway, Clint goes on a TV show and says to the world that Norman Osborne is the Green Goblin and the Dark Avengers are all criminals and he’s mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore.

Review: This is not so much a comic book as it is a large turd pressed out into paper, folded into pages and stapled.

If you read my recent reviews of The Ultimates, you know I’m familiar with bad comics. Listen. Those were just fine compared to this. Awful as they were, they pretended to have a story. It was a bad story, but technically it was a story. New Avengers 50 is just an oversized issue of filler. And in case you think it’s oversized ‘cause it’s a fiftieth issue, think again. The last eight pages are the first eight pages of “Fantastic Four: Dark Reign”

The wraparound cover is the best thing about this book. It’s a pretty nice Billy Tan picture of the New Avengers and the Dark Avengers fighting. It’s not something that happens in this book at all, but it’s a nice picture, and I’m sure at some point they’ll get around to fighting and it will look like this. Unless before then Bendis does one of his trademark “I got about halfway through building up a huge plot device and my ADHD medication wore off and I started a whole new big plot and now the New Avengers line up is Rawhide Kid after he accidentally got on Dr. Dooms time Machine, Man-thing, Wendigo (SPOILER ALERT: In a HUGE surprise twist it’s going to turn out that Wendigo is Mary Jane Watson in a white furry exoskeleton that she got by making a Faustian bargain with Obadiah Stane) and Wolverine. And the Dark Avengers all have Brood eggs in them and also Norman Osborn has never been Norman Osborn, he was always The Chameleon pretending to be Norman Osborne. Oh, and Bullseye is Lady Bullseye. And Ares is a can of Chunky Sirloin Burger Soup. I haven’t got that part figured out yet, but I will because I’m awesome.”

The big Bendis writing innovation in this issue is that during the big Red Hood vs. The New Avengers fight, the Avengers are all think’ about things, and you get to read what they’re think’ about. It’s a cool idea except none of what their thinking about moves the plot forward or illuminates their characters in any way at all. Its just first draft straight out of the word processor onto the page crap.

This whole book is stalling. It’s page after page of the storyline not going anywhere, because Bendis isn’t ready to have the Dark Avengers fight the New Avengers. But he has to do something, so instead of coming up with a plot line, he takes the whole big bag of Red Hood crap that never ended up going anywhere, and dumps it out here.

Seriously, this is the worst Avengers I have seen since Liefeld and Lee did they’re god awful Heroes Reborn. All this was missing was Henry Pym zipping in wearing his dead ex wife’s clothes. And believe me, that’s coming.

Overall rating: Half
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

The Goddamned Batman
Mar 10th, 2009, 01:35 AM
Max, I wish that Marvel (or better yet, DC) would pay you to write up a plot synopsis online of every single book that Marvel publishes.

Shit, if you keep reviewing these things, I could stop buying them.
pickled
Mar 10th, 2009, 01:55 AM
I have to admit that Chunky Sirloin Burger Soup is pretty good.
Member
Mar 10th, 2009, 02:46 AM
Remember when The Hood was in the MAX universe and didn't suck? Seems like a life-time ago now.
Forum Chaos Lord
Mar 10th, 2009, 02:57 AM
I own this book, a gift from my uncle.

You know how sometimes, a book can be so bad that it flips right around the bar and becomes obstenibly humorous to read? Like the Goddamned Batman?

This thing wishes it was that good.

If anything, Max is understating this thing in ways that are hard to describe. Be afraid.
Forum Virgin
Mar 10th, 2009, 04:03 AM
I gave up Marvel for lent a few years ago and never picked it back up. But I hope they continue to suck the sweat off of a dead mans balls so I can read you write about it. Made my nite... However my nite was spent reading about stuff on the internet, so take from that wat ye may......
Fanboy
Mar 10th, 2009, 05:44 AM
Yeeeah...even my rampant Marvel apologism can't stretch to this one.
Forum Virgin
Mar 10th, 2009, 10:07 AM
I can't say I'm surprised at all that Bendis isn't pushing a plot forward. Isn't that what he does? Not push things forward? Didn't he make up a new word (what was it... decompressed storytelling?) just to try and justify the fact that the douchebag can't tell a story with proper pacing? SPIDERMAN'S ORIGIN DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SIX ISSUES LONG.

God I hate Bendis...
Member
Mar 10th, 2009, 01:47 PM
But it has 3 panels of Mockingbird and Ms. Marvel standing butt to crotch!
I likes PIE!
Mar 10th, 2009, 01:52 PM
Sorry but I disagree. The issue, while over priced, was interesting. It did push the plot along well enough. It had a nice plot twist. The part where we see each character thinking gives the reader a good idea of what pushes the characters.

I find your reviews to be entertaining and interesting but I got to tell ya. This was fun. Now will Bendis pay it off? I doubt it,and yeah you are right on that.
The Ugly Puckling
Mar 10th, 2009, 02:37 PM
Wolverine is not pushed by thoughts of Cotton Candy, I don't care what Bendis writes.
Vigilante All-Star
Mar 11th, 2009, 03:58 AM
I remember last year, I was at Wizard World Chicago and I was like, 6 inches away from Bendis for a bit...I didn't say a fuckin' word to him. I didn't even freak out like "holy shit it's BENDIS!!!" I just looked at him, he looked tired and worn out from the day or whatever, and then he walked away. You know what? I'm completely fine with that.

...now you have an idea of what I think of his writing.
Ba dum dum dum dum
Mar 11th, 2009, 07:44 AM
I'm just waiting for Bendis to start writing a comic about himself.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Mar 14th, 2009, 12:36 PM
I'm still waiting for the ultimate crossover: a Bendis/Miller colaboration in which Norman Osborn is the president, Joker is the secretary of defense, and the God-Damned Batman is the new Osama Bin Laden. Wolverine and Spiderman will be there, of course, but not as actual parts of the story. They'll just show up every third or fourth panel to remind everyone that they're contractually obligated to be in ALL comics that have any connection to Bendis. Oh, and also Captain America and Hawkeye both dress up as Ronin (at the same time), but near the end of the issue the real Ronin (Aunt May) shows up and tells Dumb and Dumber to dress up like someone else. The final page is a giant shot of Frank Miller being beaten with a hammer while Brian Michael Bendis hangs himself in the background. It would also come with a signed apology and suicide note from both authors.
Forum Virgin
Mar 15th, 2009, 06:11 AM
I thought that Wolverine being the first superhero should deserve being in every comic everywhere. Bendis is a genius because he is giving all of us what we want in every issue. I work in a bookstore and after all of these posts I decided to read up in our graphic novel section, and GODDAMN! that man gives all the cliche's we want.

In all honesty though, I work with a huge comic fan and he just shrugs and walks away when I ask him about what I'm reading...

Oh, what was I reading??? Oh yeah... I forgot already.

Can't wait for the next reboot so we can start fresh again!!! I wish I could go back in time and just enjoy the real Avengers the first time around... Can you do that Kang?!?!? Where are you when we need you.
Forum Virgin
Apr 17th, 2009, 01:28 PM
RIGHT ON! Marvel has always had some bad writers, but nobody has been as destructive as Bendis. God he sucks so bad. I recall back in 2006, visiting a comic store, and being totally shocked that anyone could view the New Avengers as anything but an unmitigated disaster. At that point I didn't really know who Bendis was (mercifully)and didn't understand why his fans worshiped him. This was a few months after after Hawkeye died.

Being the open-minded guy I am, I asked the owner of the store to explain bendis' appeal to me. I swear to God, the guy said Bendis was the greatest characterization writer in comics. Since there was no characterization in New Avengers, I asked him to give me an example. "Hawkeye," the owner explained. "I loved how Bendis made Hawkeye so brash." I just stared at him.

Hawkeye had been dead virtually the whole run.

It was a surreal moment.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 17th, 2009, 08:23 PM
Alias was a great book. Seriously excellent writing. I think Bendis drank the cool aid of his own press. I have never seen such an appalling fall from grace.
Forum Virgin
Apr 22nd, 2009, 12:43 PM
Hey I bought Alias and kinda liked it--but I'm not sure I'd call it excellent. But anyway that's a question of personal taste and at least Alias was coherent and made sense. AND Bendis didn't manage to destroy any characters.