Movie: "Teeth"
Year: 2007
Rated: R
Genre: Horror
Directed by: Mitchell Lichtenstein
Writing credits: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Reviewer: -RoG-
Posted: 1/24/2008

Plot: The story of a girl... and her angry vagina.

Review: Fans of male genital mutilation, step right up! The movie you've been waiting for your entire lives has arrived and it's eager to make you go limp in the pants. Teeth is the story about a girl named Dawn who, like all teenagers, is going through a phase of self-discovery. What she finds, however, is something slightly unusual. You see, Dawn discovers she actually has a "Vagina Dentata" - which is Latin for a toothed vagina.

So the basic premise is that whenever Dawn is sexually wronged in some way, her vagina chomps down on the blameworthy beef bayonet until it's no longer one with its master. Ladies, if you ever wanna see guys acting squeamish as hell, just go see this movie in a packed theater.

Now those of you hoping to actually see the vagichoppers are in for a disappointment: this isn't a fetish film, it's a horror-comedy and they treat it accordingly. It's all about Dawn and her struggles to come to terms with her abnormal medical condition. The one thing you will see plenty of in this movie is mangled man-beef.

I won't spoil the whole story for those of you who haven't seen it, but I will say this: at one point you get to see a fiddler crab victoriously waving a severed schlong. If that's not worth the price of admission, I don't know what is.

While Teeth has plenty of gore and humor to satiate any horror hound, it's not all perfection. For one thing, the movie drags on in several parts in an attempt to push the story along. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate some character development just as much as the next guy, and Jess Weixler did an excellent job with her portrayal of Dawn, but it's a movie about a vagina with teeth. We all know what's coming and we don't need that much allegory, do we? Furthermore, the director apparently thinks the audience members are complete morons, because he keeps showing these unnecessarily long shots of Dawn's house which has a chemical plant behind it. After seeing those giant smokestacks for the third time or so, I wanted to scream "Ok! We get it! Her hoo-ha horrors are actually a genetic mutation caused by the chemical plant behind her house! Can you please stop showing it to us now!?" Still, these things are minor faults in an otherwise entertaining flick.

I sincerely hope they make two more sequels to Teeth for the sole purpose of calling it "The Vengeful Vagina Trilogy" Come on, you know that sounds catchy as hell... and I want the credit.

Overall rating:
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)