Weeklies

Movie: "Teeth"
Year: 2007
Rated: R
Genre: Horror
Directed by: Mitchell Lichtenstein
Writing credits: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Reviewer: -RoG-
Posted: 1/24/2008

Plot: The story of a girl... and her angry vagina.

Review: Fans of male genital mutilation, step right up! The movie you've been waiting for your entire lives has arrived and it's eager to make you go limp in the pants. Teeth is the story about a girl named Dawn who, like all teenagers, is going through a phase of self-discovery. What she finds, however, is something slightly unusual. You see, Dawn discovers she actually has a "Vagina Dentata" - which is Latin for a toothed vagina.

So the basic premise is that whenever Dawn is sexually wronged in some way, her vagina chomps down on the blameworthy beef bayonet until it's no longer one with its master. Ladies, if you ever wanna see guys acting squeamish as hell, just go see this movie in a packed theater.

Now those of you hoping to actually see the vagichoppers are in for a disappointment: this isn't a fetish film, it's a horror-comedy and they treat it accordingly. It's all about Dawn and her struggles to come to terms with her abnormal medical condition. The one thing you will see plenty of in this movie is mangled man-beef.

I won't spoil the whole story for those of you who haven't seen it, but I will say this: at one point you get to see a fiddler crab victoriously waving a severed schlong. If that's not worth the price of admission, I don't know what is.

While Teeth has plenty of gore and humor to satiate any horror hound, it's not all perfection. For one thing, the movie drags on in several parts in an attempt to push the story along. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate some character development just as much as the next guy, and Jess Weixler did an excellent job with her portrayal of Dawn, but it's a movie about a vagina with teeth. We all know what's coming and we don't need that much allegory, do we? Furthermore, the director apparently thinks the audience members are complete morons, because he keeps showing these unnecessarily long shots of Dawn's house which has a chemical plant behind it. After seeing those giant smokestacks for the third time or so, I wanted to scream "Ok! We get it! Her hoo-ha horrors are actually a genetic mutation caused by the chemical plant behind her house! Can you please stop showing it to us now!?" Still, these things are minor faults in an otherwise entertaining flick.

I sincerely hope they make two more sequels to Teeth for the sole purpose of calling it "The Vengeful Vagina Trilogy" Come on, you know that sounds catchy as hell... and I want the credit.

Overall rating: WholeWholeWholeHalf
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Can't touch this
Jan 24th, 2008, 11:46 AM
I hope they have this on NetFlix.
Pickled Patriarch
Jan 24th, 2008, 03:22 PM
Uh, it just came out in theaters, so it won't be on NetFlix for a while I imagine.
Built in the 80s
Jan 24th, 2008, 04:48 PM
"The Vengeful Vagina Trilogy", i like it! I think that's something that might appeal to boys AND girls.
Shrub Scientist
Jan 24th, 2008, 04:52 PM
Excellent work with the metaphorical genitalia imagery. I think I'll start a band called "The Blameworthy Beef Bayonets."
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jan 24th, 2008, 06:22 PM
i havent even watched it but it makes me wince already.
Clap if you love Dynamo
Jan 24th, 2008, 06:31 PM
Not that I disagree with your view on the movie. But I rill respectfully decline your recommendation to watch it. I just don't think my junk could handle me watching it.

I have to wonder though, would this pave the way to a dual career in gynecology and dentistry?
Can't touch this
Jan 24th, 2008, 06:32 PM
Well, just came out eh? Maybe I should look at release dates... I highly doubt it's coming to the local multiplex. If it didn't show Die Hard 4.0 or Sweeney Todd, then it's damn sure not showing this. Fuck Ohio.
The Power of Grayskull
Jan 24th, 2008, 06:34 PM
Everyone is stuck in italics! It's the vagina's doing! Run for it!

Seriously though, the actress playing Dawn kinda looks like Juliette Lewis. I was disappointed to learn that it's just an unknown actress because a comedy horror film about a man eating vagina is perfect for Juliette.
Admiral of the Undead
Jan 24th, 2008, 07:37 PM
Ha! Great minds do think alike! I totally threw some buzz-worthiness to this film over two weeks ago at my site... SupportZombies.com.

You guys stealing my thunder? ;-)
James Brown in hiding
Jan 25th, 2008, 04:59 AM
Dick mutalation.. that sounds.. fuck.. I need a drink.
Esq.
Jan 25th, 2008, 05:06 AM
guess i won't be seeing this for a while, or cinemas absolutely blow, we didn't get sweeney todd either, oh well sounds entertaining to say the least, anyone see that movie "the host" it was sweet.
Member
Jan 25th, 2008, 05:46 PM
The films sounds great, even if the ol' vagina with teeth bit was done on SOuth Park first. "A Gigamek vagina is 60 feet long and full of teeth. YOu except us to make love to THAT?!" priceless.
OH GOD
Jan 25th, 2008, 05:55 PM
dude the vagina with teeth thing was done in ancient legend first, pay attention
Pickleman's Uncle
Jan 25th, 2008, 10:32 PM
Who writes this garbage?

HEY WHAT ABOUT A GUY WITH GUN LEGS, HIS LEGS ARE MACHINE GUNS AND WHENEVER HE RUNS, WHO KNOWS WHO WILL DIE? CAN HE FULFILL HIS CHILDHOON DREAM OF BECOMING THE BEST MARATHON RUNNER IN THE WORLD? PAY 9 BUCKS TO FIND OUT!

Vagina teeth, that's about as stupid as a dude who would have knives and scissors for hands or something.
Member
Jan 25th, 2008, 11:15 PM
Haha I want to see this so bad. I read about vagina dentata in a myth class, I think.

And Edward Scissorhands was so good...
Forum Virgin
Jan 25th, 2008, 11:42 PM
actually, the whole 'vagina dentata''s a pretty common ancient concept...I think maybe 'cause it's like..a primal fear. It's also just another case of the new hollywood being completely unable to come up with something original.
Forum Virgin
Jan 26th, 2008, 03:36 AM
Yeah savage genitalia. Is this playing everywhere or just the artsy theaters?
Forum Virgin
Jan 26th, 2008, 09:48 PM
For some reason I imagine that in the end it will develop sentience be exposed to radioactivity and grow 500 feet tall and fight Godzilla.
Forum Virgin
Jan 27th, 2008, 07:17 PM
I would watch this movie except 1)its not in any theater around me 2) The synopsis(from the official movie site I visited) read like a lifetime move you know innocent girl wronged by jerk male gets revenge.
Forum Virgin
Jan 27th, 2008, 07:56 PM
How could someone act in this movie? How do you respond when a director goes: "And... she's biting off your wing-wang wither her hoo-ha... NOW! SCREAM! SHE'S BITING YOU! ACT SURPRISED! YOU'RE IN INTENSE PAIN! IT'S GETTING GNAWED OFF!"

HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR THAT ROLE!?
Fookin' up planets!
Jan 28th, 2008, 02:53 AM
My wifes Vagina didn't grow teeth until "after" we got married.
pickled
Jan 30th, 2008, 03:56 PM
I just knew this was going to end up on I-Mockery when I first read about it.
Forum Virgin
Oct 21st, 2009, 12:02 PM
As much as I love this film and think that the female lead was incredibly brave, for me the most entertaining aspect was the look of pure horror on my poor friends face at all the mutilated penii...such merriment have I experienced rarely...