Movie: "Spider-Man 3"
Year: 2007
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Action / Adventure
Directed by: Sam Raimi
Writing credits: Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi, Alvin Sargent

Reviewer: Protoclown
Posted: 3/24/2008

Plot: Spider-Man finds a new costume, goes emo, and fights off three different villains who are trying to kill him. Also, he cries a lot.

Review: The first Spider-Man was a fun retelling of the character's origin story, with a cast that fit into the comic book mythos like a glove, or a condom that fits snugly without coming out of a box with an embarrassingly small size printed on the side, and Sam Raimi's love for the characters shining through in every scene. The second one was one of the finest comic book movies made in recent years, improving on everything the first one did right and dropping some of what it did wrong. The third movie had everything going for it from the beginning; it should have been a home run. Why, then, was it such a piece of shit?

I think it's safe to say that Sam Raimi bit off more than he could chew, trying to fit somewhere between three and five movies into the time allotted for a single one. The unfortunate side effect of this was a bunch of stupid shit working its way into the story where it didn't belong. When I first heard that there would be not two but three villains in this film, I fought the urge to worry that it would succumb to Batman syndrome, throwing too many villains into the mix, resulting in absolutely no compelling character development for any of them. Surely Sam Raimi would not make that mistake, I reasoned. No, certainly he would handle it intelligently, introducing Sandman early on and somehow having his plot resolve but bring about the creation of Venom in the process. Then Venom would take the center stage for the second half of the film, with the second Green Goblin taking advantage of the chaos and striking Spidey while he had his hands full. Multiple villains, yes, but at least in my predicted scenario there were no lame villain team-ups for no reason.

As I sat in the theater watching the movie, I realized that I had overestimated Sam Raimi. A lot. The alien symbiote that spawns Venom shows up early in the movie, having mysteriously fallen from space and finding its way to Peter. You'd think Peter would be a bit more bothered when he sees it crawling around on his bed trying to get to him, but no, he's apparently unconcerned when it bonds to him and becomes his new costume, and for a good third of the movie he's wearing the black suit with nary a question asked. It just feels rushed, and sloppy. And when he's wearing the suit, look out! Because he gains the emo powers of black eye-liner, black hair dye, and the devilishly evil ability to selfishly eat cookies. The "acting" during this portion of the movie is painful to sit through, and the dancing scene made me think that we the audience had fallen victim to some carefully plotted scheme by some kind of real life comic book villain who had altered the film print.

And Sandman has been given a ridiculous personal connection to Peter for no good reason at all, other than the fact that the filmmakers decided to completely disregard, nay, contradict what came before in order to shoehorn this new character into the story in a (supposedly) more meaningful way, which is completely unnecessary and only serves to harm the story rather than help it. Why, that would be like if George Lucas made more Star Wars movies and you found out that Yoda didn't really train Obi-Wan at all even though he said he did...oh. Wait. I think that comparison speaks for itself.

When Venom finally shows up, you won't care, because he's completely two-dimensional and boring. And when he finds Sandman and offers to team up with him to take down Spider-Man even though they really have no compelling reason to work together, I was ready to shoot bullets into that fucking movie screen. Even dumber is that Harry is willing to team up with Peter after he throws a grenade in his face, permanently disfiguring him. He's willing to let bygones be bygones, and they fly around on their rocket sled together, throwing punches at the bad guys in between jumping high-fives.

And the crying, oh god, the crying. This movie has more crying in it than, oh, I don't know, a documentary about crying. But that's nothing compared to the crying the audience was doing as they shuffled out of the theater, suckered into being separated from their money and time. I really hoped the third movie would be the best yet, but Raimi let us down big time, and I'd just as soon forget this pile of disappointment ever existed.

Overall rating: WholeWhole
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Mar 24th, 2008, 04:05 PM
I think I'll wait until this movie can be found in a bargain bin. What kind of annoying character did Bruce Campbell play this time round?
Suicidal Chipmunk
Mar 24th, 2008, 04:24 PM
I actually didn't hate most of this movie. Even though the dancing scene almost made me murder the person sitting nearest to me, i still enjoyed at least 8/10 of the movie altogether. Then again, I pretty much force myself to love any movie based on a comic book. Except the Hulk movie... I despise the hulk movie with the very essence of my being.
Shining Beacon of Virtue
Mar 24th, 2008, 04:46 PM
I actually enjoyed this movie...
That damn kid
Mar 24th, 2008, 04:58 PM
They should have had sandman and hydroman, then the third villain could be that mud monster they formed... I never actually saw this movie, when I saw they took away venom's humoungos (spelling lol) muscles and green spit It took away all my desire to see it (run-on sentence lol).
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Mar 24th, 2008, 05:27 PM
I didn't hate this as much as you did, Proto, but I sure wasn't wild about it. I think you're right that the biggest problem comes from over crowding. Although there have been several comic movies I've liked a lot, I've yet to see one I didn't think suffered from over crowding. You only get about two hours. Tell one story and tell it well.
Mar 24th, 2008, 06:27 PM
Batman Returns was the only Superhero movie with multiple villians that didnt suck.
Forum Virgin
Mar 24th, 2008, 07:02 PM
batman begins kinda had multiple villians, but yeah spiderman 3 was just silly. The others were fantastic 2 really got my hopes up and this one shot them down. It was extra cheesey and just plain silly, in ways that didn't fit the series. oh well maybe 4 will be better, every one stumbles here and there.
Last of the Time Lords
Mar 24th, 2008, 07:24 PM
I'd give it two stars myself, and one of those is for getting to see Bruce Campbell as a Maître d'.
Built in the 80s
Mar 24th, 2008, 07:54 PM
I hate, hate, hated this movie with a passion. Spider-Man 3 was such a huge, crushing disappointment. Spider-Man 2 is without a doubt (in my mind) the greatest comic book movie ever.
Mar 24th, 2008, 08:11 PM
Two horrible words : EMO PETER!

At least we got to see a bit of Gwen Stacy, at last. That was something, right?
Space Cowboy
Mar 24th, 2008, 08:58 PM
Yeah, I was waiting the whole time to see Gwendy, and then she's nothing more than a way to make Mary Jane jealous.
Mar 24th, 2008, 09:05 PM
Raimi couldn't help it. Evil Dead was calling out to him.
Forum Virgin
Mar 24th, 2008, 09:05 PM
I could have sworn I read somewhere that Raimi was forced to add Venom to the movie, but I don't recall where.
Mar 24th, 2008, 09:44 PM
If they had removed Sandman from the movie, it would have been better served.
Mar 24th, 2008, 09:44 PM
I liked it. Always something going on..because there are a million characters but still. Could have been better, could have been worse. But it didn't bore me.

The "emo" thing is annoying. I guess because his hair is black he MUST be emo. He was like..a womanizing asshole. Not exactly emo.

And, yes, he cried. His wife-to-be broke up with him. The entire world must be made out of stone hearted bad asses who would clearly not flinch if such a thing were to happen to them.
Forum Chaos Lord
Mar 24th, 2008, 10:45 PM
Fuck, Mary Jane was awful. By this movie, she already knows Peter's Spider-Man. She has absolutely no fucking reason to treat him like a total fuckface. She's as guilty in this shitfest of a movie as Peter Parker is.

I believe that the spirit of Joe Quesada infected this movie.
lurking on the walls
Mar 24th, 2008, 10:54 PM
downloaded the movie, hated it. Bought the novel, it was much better. The multi character development is more possible confined in the 2-300 page novel based on the movie. and getting a grasp on what the chatacters are thinking makes it more understandable
James Brown in hiding
Mar 25th, 2008, 04:14 AM
This movie had all the potential to be great and then they had to stuff every possible thing into it and still used Kristin Dunst, the ugliest chick possible they could have picked to play Mary Jane. It was ass. Total ass. What a fucking disapointment.
James Brown in hiding
Mar 25th, 2008, 04:20 AM
And the real kicker is I liked the Sandman cheracter. Apart from the utterly rediculous connection to Peter Parker I thought the guy playing him was cool and I wanted to see an entire movie with just him and Spider Man duking it out. Maybe introduce the black costume and at the end give us a glimpse of the dark side of it's powers. That would have been a good movie but they were so concerened with ramming as much possible crap in there as possible that the potential for a great cheracter and a neat rivalry was totally pissed on so we could get Venom.. yes Venom. Venom was pretty cool but I gotta back Prot here. The whole fucking thing was so forced and so played that instead of seeing something like the first two movies which were totally unbelievable yet at the same time played out in a natural way we got to basically watch a video game on screen, ascending level by level with no cheracter development.

And the Emo shit.. for fucks sakes... can't these Goddamned Emo kids just show the backbone they do on their blogs and fucking kill themselves so we don't have to be subjected to the even smaller, whinier (if that's possible) offshoot of Goths.
Mar 25th, 2008, 08:37 AM
After a good first movie and a great sequel, I knew the fuck up would be coming. When I heard Sandman was in it, I thought "Cool. Seems like a strange choice to base the whole movie on, but...cool." Then I heard Venom was in it, and that's when my bullshit meter went fully into the red. When the New Goblin was announced as well, the movie went completely off my radar. I eventually caught a matinee at the second-run theater ($2 Tuesdays, woohoo!), and I'm glad I waited. Too crowded by characters and too much pop culture got in the way of the story.

And when the fuck is the Lizard going to get some screentime? Jesus, they've been setting that character up for 3 movies now.
Forum Virgin
Mar 25th, 2008, 08:47 AM
Why was Kiersten Dunst cast as Mary Jane in the first place? She is about as attractive as an old shoe at the side of the road. the comic book MJ is supposed be a frigging lingerie model.
Forum Virgin
Mar 25th, 2008, 09:15 AM
The whole problem is, I think, that the producers forced Raimi in a direction he did not want to take... The original script did not include Venom (aaargh, McFarlane!) and was supposed to have the Vulture as the OTHER villain. So all the symbiote costume storyline was somehow forced in there... And the Vulture was supposed to be performed by none other than Ben Kingsley... Now, Ghandi as the Vulture? I would have paid a pretty penny to see that!
Mar 25th, 2008, 10:26 AM
I really think they should've stuck with 2 villains for part 3 and then did Fantastic Four/Spiderman crossover films for the Venom story. Maybe a 3rd FF film that has a plot not centralized around the suit, but something with space and aliens and the symbiote. It ends with Peter meeting the FF, getting the black suit, and then the 4th Spidey movie would be about Peter shedding the suit and it ultimately becoming Venom.
Radio Ninja
Mar 25th, 2008, 11:03 AM
Proto, I'm with you. One of the best scenes IMO was when peter "accidentally" backhands MJ at the jazz club. That says a lot about this movie. I think Raimi was a victim of the dreaded "studio interference" (although why he couldn't call the shots on this one, after two huge successes is still a mystery) I was most disappointed for the same reason I hated X3, they took a great 3-part story arc and completely ignored it to shoehorn in more characters. Venom should have been hinted at in the last 10-15 minutes and then.... Spidey 4: Enter the Lizard, S5: Venom. Now, if I ever get to see Deadpool killing sybiotic dinosaurs in Manhattan, while Spidey and the FF help out? I might forgive Marvel and Raimi for S3.
Forum Virgin
Mar 25th, 2008, 04:07 PM
I skipped this one after hearing about there being three villains. I saw X3, and didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

My friends told me about it after they saw it, and they were disappointed. It seems like, when it comes to movies, the "third" one tends to be the one that blows in comparison to the previous two.
Built in the 80s
Mar 25th, 2008, 11:19 PM
And how idiotic is Harry conveniently getting amnesia for most of the movie?! And what a lame way to wrap-up the whole Sandman thing (without giving away any spoliers in case someone reads this review and still wants to see this shit-fest of a movie).
Mar 25th, 2008, 11:54 PM
Not the worst comic movie I've ever seen (those fantastic four movies take that "prestigous" award), it was still lousy. I guess it made sense that the movie sucked, since it seems that the studio was making the project a living hell for Raimi. I wouldn't be surprised if he made the movie suck on purpose as a way of saying to those executives "f*** you".
Amicable Herculean
Mar 26th, 2008, 12:06 AM
Sandman should've gotten a bigger role, 'cause the guy playing him was fantastic. I couldn't help but laugh at Harry's "flying skateboard", and the final battle was mediocre at best.
Fookin' up planets!
Mar 26th, 2008, 02:03 AM
I say remove all previous characters including spider man from the series and just have Bruce Campbell kicking random peoples asses saying random cool shit.
Mar 26th, 2008, 07:48 AM
Like most people who saw it in theaters, I was very disappointed when I first saw it. I saw it a second time on DVD and I found it much better than I had originally thought. When you take away all the studio bullshit, the multiple forced villains and the questionable acting, you're left with a very good story about losing something important to you and fighting to get it back. IMO the movie should had just stuck with Sandman as its sole villain. I really liked how the character was portrayed and it could had rivaled Doc Ock as the best superhero movie villain if done properly.

Raimi had stated numerous times that he pretty much hates the Venom character and had no desire to put him on screen. Alot of today's comic fans forget that the Venom character didn't exist until 1988, so he's still a relatively "new" character in comic history.

I'd have no problem if there was an entire re-casting of the main roles for Part 4. Both Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst have outlived their usefulness. The magic they had from part 1 is clearly long gone.
Forum Virgin
Mar 26th, 2008, 01:38 PM
I hated the dancing crap. Why on Earth did they include that? It felt like it took 12 hours to get through it. MJ was such a fucking bitch in this movie, that she really didn't deserve the screen time she got.

I don't know if any of you noticed this...but this wasn't "Spiderman" this was "Tobyman." I think Spiderman appears...in full costume...red or black...for about 3 minutes. The rest of the time he's either unmasked, out of costume, or "so torn up he's basically just Peter Parker." If there is a 4th movie, and that fat idiot Toby McGuire is cast again...he better keep that fucking mask ON. I don't need to know that he's playing Spidey. Put that fucking mask on, keep it on, and go fight crime!
Mar 26th, 2008, 07:45 PM
Did anyone else notice that third tier characters were allowed monolouges? The butler and Stan Lee did not deserve that much screen time.
Forum Virgin
Mar 26th, 2008, 10:10 PM
I think everything has already been said but god I can't stop talking about how I was so disappointed with this movie. I was also worried about the film when I heard that there would be 3 villains in the film. I was at least hoping that Venom would just appear just as the credits roll to make people wait for the next Spidey flick.
Forum Chaos Lord
Mar 27th, 2008, 12:40 AM
During the "dance" scene in the movie, I recall specifically looking around and seeing people shift, uncomfortably, in their seats. It was ridiculously awkward. I also specifically recall the scene in which Parker slaps Mary Jane, because there was not a single person in the theatre who didn't laugh at it.
Forum Virgin
Mar 27th, 2008, 01:41 PM
It was fucking horrible, I do regret that I spent the money to see it, I regret that I spent the time to see this piece of crap, I regret that topher grace (what kind of name is that?) played venom (aside from Dolph Lundgren who else fits the "eddie brock profile"??) I mean, overcrowding, poor character development, laughable acting at best, emo parker, flying skateboards, this is an utter piece of shit, the only thing that stands out was the sandman, the only guy that actully did some acting. I don't think I could stomach watching this again.
Mar 27th, 2008, 06:18 PM
I was so angry that I had to sit through this movie... also, I've been hearing a lot about how Spiderman 2 is the greatest suphero movie blah blah (here and on various movie reviewing/ranking websites), which utterly confuses me, because I saw it when it first came out and remember absolutely hating it. I dunno. Different tastes? Or a psychic line from the future trying to warn me not to want to see another sequel? If only I had listened...
CEO Boobs
Mar 28th, 2008, 01:21 AM
Spot on, except you gave it about 1 & 1/2 pickles too many.
Vigilante All-Star
Apr 16th, 2008, 10:04 PM
anyone notice the glaring movie continuity error in the movie pretaining to Eddie Brock himself? He's introduced as being a new employee to the bugle, however, in the second movie...he was the one that was supposed to be doing the photography for that big party with J Jonah Jamesons son, but was unavailable, so Peter was tapped to do it instead. So...apparently...someone forgot that the guy worked there already
Official forum judge
Jun 1st, 2008, 09:54 AM
You guys are pussies. Sure it was bad movie, especially compared to the previous installments, but it was still watchable.

Oh, and sorry about not noticing that this threads been dead for a while, mods and staff