"Frank Miller Spiraling Out of Control"
by: Protoclown

Put on your mittens and Santa hats, kids, because Christmas has come a little early this year. After a year of waiting, Frank Miller's finally released enough issues of "The Goddamn Batman" to warrant another Longbox column! Apparently that kind of insanity takes time to cultivate (it ages like a fine wine). I know many of you have eagerly been waiting to see what happens next, as these All-Star Batman columns are by far the most popular (and most requested) thing I have ever done for this site. And I am pleased as punch to report that Frank Miller's madness has not abated, not one little bit, so the next batch of issues I'm about to discuss are as entertainingly stupid as ever. If you've missed the first and second installments of my All-Star Batman coverage, you'll probably want to start there. Not that it will help you figure out why any of what's going on is actually going on. No one can know that. Probably not even Frank Miller himself. But it is funny, and therefore worth checking out.

This monthly comic publishes about three issues a year. You can't rush this kind of quality, folks.

Our eighth issue opens with the Joker (finally!) looking out his window at a rain-soaked Gotham City, commenting on how much he loves the city when she cries. We then pan back to see that the Joker has just had sex--with a lady! She's saying how unusual it is for her to have sex with a complete stranger and that she doesn't even know his name. So he tells her they call him the Joker. She thinks about it for a minute, and then remembers that there was a guy called Joker who poisoned the city's water supply last year. Joker tells her that it was him--he was just getting started, and boy was he clumsy and inexperienced in those days, and she doesn't even bat an eye at this news. Thinks he's...joking.

"Do you find my cargo pants sexy?"

Joker says he's tired of talking about himself, so he shifts the conversation over to her. He mentions that she's a big-time attorney who specializes in going after child molesters, and that he loves her in his own special way. So let me get this straight--Joker has not just had sex with some junkie whore who doesn't even know what planet she's on at the moment, but he has managed to pick up a highly successful attorney. Who just happened to go for a guy with green hair and clown make-up. Does that seem at all, oh, I don't know, strange to you? I mean, she makes some joke about how he must have drugged her drink, but she seems pretty lucid to me. What's more, if he possibly drugged her drink, are we to infer that he picked her up in a bar? And nobody thought to notice this odd-looking man, or put two-and-two together and be like "Hey, isn't that the psycho who poisoned our water supply? Maybe we should have the bouncer kick him out or something, cuz you know, we're sorta imbibing lots of liquids in here..." Obviously this chick thinks that clown make-up is super kinky or something, and she's into it, but that's just a little weird for me, that's all I'm saying. Never in my life have I picked up a woman wearing clown make-up. Nor will I. Ever. (Sorry, ladies).

Ever since Ronald McDonald first made her "tingle" down there when she saw
her first commercial, Deborah Dumbleheimer knew that clowns were the only men for her.

Our kinky lawyer gets a little suspicious when the Joker suddenly knows her name and she asks him how he knows so much about her. At this point, Joker does what we were all expecting him to do: punches her in the face, and begins to slowly choke the life out of her with her tie. He tells her again that he loves her as he chokes her to death, while his narration explains that when you're in a place like a hotel and you don't want people to hear, you need to crush the larynx first so the victim can't make any noise. Sound advice.

"Awww, baby, I know you ain't done messed up my make-up with yo flailin' hand!"

Now, this hotel bit is important to help understand the absurdity of the next page, which is still finely absurd even without the knowledge that this is all happening in a hotel. In fact, this is my single favorite page in the entire series so far. When I first saw this, I burst out laughing harder than I have at anything else in this series. Standing guard outside the Joker's hotel room is a shirtless neo-Nazi woman with a flat-top haircut and swastika pasties. I know you surely must think I'm making that up, but it's right there below, the original undoctored image. This is pretty much the greatest thing ever, superceding whatever I previously said was the greatest thing ever, and preemptively superceding my next instance of saying it, whenever that may be. The Joker's henchmen? Not clowns or otherwise circus-themed as you might expect. Fucking neo-Nazi women with no modesty, that's what. Oh, ho ho! That wacky clown prince of crime always keeps us guessing, huh? But the best part of it all is that this neo-Nazi chick is standing at attention half naked in the hotel's hallway, guarding his door. Do you suppose that might have turned a few heads as other guests or housekeeping ambled on past the Joker's room? And what did the attorney he picked up from the bar happen to think of Joker's protective "escort"? I just love that Frank Miller had this idea, and then didn't greedily keep it to himself like most of us would probably do if something so embarrassingly ridiculous popped into our heads, but decided to share it with the world. Thank you, Frank. From all of us.

There is no caption that can do this image justice.

Meanwhile, six minutes later, yesterday, in the Batcave, we cut back to Batman and Robin who still have the drugged out Jocko-Boy in their possession, after he's just revealed that it was the Joker who hired him to kill Dick Grayson's parents. Dick asks Batman who the Joker is, and in a very awkward and totally unnecessary exchange, Batman tells him that he's a dangerous psychopath, but then doubts Grayson understands what a psychopath is, or that he's even capable of using polysyllables. Grayson counters by saying that he does in fact know what a psychopath is, and he can use polysyllables, as clearly evidenced by the previous seven issues during any moment in which he had dialog.

Yes, we all fondly remember the exact moment when Robin first uttered what
would later become his favorite battle-cry: "I KNOW HOW TO USE POLYSYLLABLES!"

After that unnecessary bit of stupidity is out of the way, Bats finally tells Dick who the Joker is, and Dick wants to come out and accompany Batman as he hunts him down. But Batman refuses to allow Dick to come along until he stitches himself together a costume, to protect his secret identity, which is a fine idea until you remember that Batman very publicly kidnapped Dick Grayson from the circus, which was all over the media, and the police were hunting him down for it. But I'm sure the public of Gotham City won't figure that one out.

"Don't you sass me, boy! Don't you sass me!"

Batman then leaves the Batcave without Dick, and takes the still-hallucinating Jocko-Boy to the river, into which he dumps him, still tied up and drugged out of his mind. When Jocko-Boy yells from the water that he's still feeling maggots crawling on his skin, Batman lies and tells him that his condition is permanent, that he will never be sane again. Yeah, that's not the kind of thing that might drive a guy to drown himself or anything.

Batman does not yet realize the horrible truth that this is how DC villains are made.

In a hilarious response, Jocko-Boy yells a retort back to Batman, but the Editors joke about how they can't print it, which is odd considering all the blacked-out-but-easily-identifiable curse words they've used in previous issues, and the outright cursing you see later in this very column.

Wow, so the rest of this series has met their
"Standards of Decency"???

Back in the Batcave, Robin is looking through Batman's extensive, not-at-all-locked-away-from-a-twelve-year-old-kidnappee weapons cache, when he stumbles upon a bow and arrow. Imagining himself as a Robin Hood type of character, he tells a mysterious, unseen voice in the darkness (Alfred) that he needs some tights, a cape, and a hood. "Very good, sir", the Darkness replies, before inquiring as to his measurements.

"Yeah, I'm gonna show that crazy Batman fuck what's what when he comes back home!"

Back in the city, Green Lantern sits atop a building eating a hot dog and summons Batman with his "Lantern Signal". Batman doesn't think much of Green Lantern, because he keeps referring to him as a moron over and over again, ad nauseam, in his narration boxes. He even says he's seen more intelligent hockey pucks than ol' Hal Jordan here.

Green Lantern wanted to conjure up some mustard for his hot dog, but he was powerless to do so because it's yellow :(

Green Lantern says he wants to talk, and Batman fucks with him for a while before telling him that he'll only talk at a time and place of his choosing. He gives Lantern a place and a time, and then he leaves, calling him a "moron" as he ducks away into the darkness. Green Lantern is obviously not too happy about being treated so rudely.

"I'll show him! I'm gonna blog about what a jerk that Batman guy is later!"

Next we see the Joker walk through a doorway and there is Catwoman, lying on what I originally had assumed was a pile of trash in the alleyway behind his hotel (and let's face it, that would fit with the rest of the book), but upon closer inspection, it appears she's on a bed made of cats and pillows. She must be staying at the same hotel as the Joker or something. If that hotel frequently attracts freakish clientele like this, maybe the neo-Nazi woman in the hallway would go unnoticed by passers-by. He tells her he's going to get into some mischief and asks her if she'd like to come along. She agrees, because she's apparently stupid and hasn't gotten the memo that he's not much of a team player. Unfortunately that's the last we'll see or hear from the Joker in this installment.

That cat in the bottom right corner looks like his head will just
fly right off the page and bite you.

Batman returns to the Batcave, and Dick Grayson immediately shoots an arrow at his head, presumably trying to kill him, because that's the usual reason you would fire an arrow at someone's head. Batman easily catches the arrow and says "Nice shot." Dick then tells Batman that his superhero name is Hood, and Batman angrily walks over, pulls the hood down in his face, and tells him to ditch the hood and that his name is now Robin. So much for having him create his own superhero identity.

"You want to be Green Arrow's sidekick? Is that it? I'll show you what we do to Green Arrow's sidekick. Fag."

Our ninth issue opens with a very yellow Batman, in a very yellow room, arguing with a very green Hal Jordan.

"You painted everything yellow!? Aww, dick move, Batman!"

Yes, it seems that Batman has figured out that the Green Lantern rings have a weakness: they aren't effective against anything yellow. So he cooks up the completely insane idea of putting Robin to work by having him paint everything in one of his safehouses yellow. Including him and Robin. Yeah, that's a sensible and realistic plan.

"And after you're done painting everything yellow, boy, you can take out the trash!"

But the best part is the rather disturbing bit of narration that occurs further down in that same panel. "Fast hands"? "My little Robin"? "Big mouth"? Uhhhhhh....just why did he recruit this "Boy Wonder" anyway?

Yeah, this panel isn't creepy or anything like that. Not at all.

Batman offers Green Lantern a cool glass of lemonade, but Jordan's not interested in refreshments at this time. He curses Batman and his lemonade, and then proceeds to get to the point of why he's there--that the Justice League think that Bats might just be a little crazy and they want him to tone it down a few notches because he's giving all costumed heroes a bad name.

Note Robin walking in from the background eating a yellow ice cream cone.
Because if it were chocolate, Green Lantern could use it to ATTACK!

Jordan says that half the world is already calling these caped heroes criminals, and Batman says that's exactly what vigilantes have to be: criminals. Jordan doesn't care for this line of reasoning much and punches Batman in the face.

Robin knows that there's a beating in it for him if any lemonade gets spilled.

Green Lantern then yells at Batman for kidnapping the twelve-year-old Dick Grayson, but Batman responds by saying that Robin isn't Dick Grayson, that he in fact dropped Dick Grayson off at a trauma clinic shortly after the attack on his parents.

"See this, Hal? I'm making my incredulous face."



Reader Comments

Pickled Patriarch
Dec 1st, 2008, 03:11 AM
The Joker's henchmen are now half-naked Nazi women!? Holy shit, Batman! Frank Miller, you have truly outdone yourself. "Goddamn" Batman indeed!
Forum Virgin
Dec 1st, 2008, 03:48 AM
The Crazy Neo-Nazi chick is in Dark Knight Returns too. She's on like one page, but she's there. Frank must have a 'thing' for her, which is sadly the least creepy 'thing' he's had so far.
aint nobody
Dec 1st, 2008, 04:22 AM so beyond fucking nuts
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:15 AM
Holy clusterfuck, Batman! Joker's sure got a thing for crazy blondes. As an old Babsy fan, I did kinda like her role in this - but Yvonne Craig, it is not.

Note how Yellow Batman, without his mask, resembles that famous mugshot of a dead-eyed paint huffer, his chin covered in gold paint? Probably not a coincidence.

For that matter, isn't Fraulein Swastika Boobs a Golden Age Wondy villain, or something? ("Wicked witch of Lesbos Island" - my LOL of the week).
Flying Finn
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:47 AM
Oh man...Frank must be so brilliant the rest of us just cant keep up.

Who...I ask you, who would have come up with combining neo-nazi nakedness and the Joker.

...oh and props for you Proto for not puting any caption under that image, it is indeed true what you say; "There is no caption that can do this image justice. "
Dec 1st, 2008, 06:02 AM
If all comics were this out there, I would spend all my money on comic books
Tinhorn varmint
Dec 1st, 2008, 06:22 AM
'Damn you and your lemonade' - I feel the uncontrollable need to repeat that to each and every person I meet. God bless Frank Miller and God bless you, Protoclown for making my week.
Commarade General
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:21 AM
"Don't try to confuse me!" And Green Lanter's expression made my day. I'm thinking into changing my avatar to that.

Thanks Protoclown, for another fine article.
taco loving zombie
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:46 AM
is the art by jim lee cause i like it but i think is wasted witht this weird story
I like cheese.
Dec 1st, 2008, 10:45 AM
Green Lantern wanted to conjure up some mustard for his hot dog, but he was powerless to do so because it's yellow
The frowny face makes this comment full of win
Last of the Time Lords
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:15 AM
We don't tolerate bad writing from bad writers, why do we tolerate it from good writers? Seriously, if you had never heard of Frank Miller and you picked this up you'd be taping his picture over Rob Liefeld's on your dartboard before you'd finished the first page.
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:43 AM
I really love the freaky bug eye that GL has while he's on the ground gasping for breath. Damn you Frank Miller for satirizing Hal Jordan.
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:56 AM
For some reason I see an image of robin getting the crap beaten out of him for bringing home pink lemonade instead of regular. "Oww Stop Hitting ME! You just said to get some lemonade! Seriously, how was I supposed to know?"
Dec 1st, 2008, 12:00 PM
I know what my school project will be... Forget about software retail shops, forget about a law firm... What I must open is a fast food chain oriented to satisfy the needs of every superhero during a nocturnal shift.

Green Lantern: Hey, good ol' Silver, how's it going?
Silver: Not bad Lantern, not bad...
Green Lantern: Everything going OK with business?
Silver: It pays the bills...
Green Lantern: Great. While you're at it, can I have a something to go? You know I can't be seen eating here...
Silver: Only if you got the cash, bum. There's now way in hell I'll keep sticking those hot-dogs and sodas to your tab.
Amicable Herculean
Dec 1st, 2008, 12:52 PM
The Crazy Neo-Nazi chick is in Dark Knight Returns too.
So does that mean this is all a prequel?
Valkyr Addict
Dec 1st, 2008, 02:04 PM
i don't know if theres anything i can say that can do justice to how bad and batshit insane this comic is.
100% Regulator
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:17 PM
wow. wow. love the look on the dying Gl's face!
King of the Monsters
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:51 PM
I agree with Doctor Who, if this was anyone else writing this, we'd be badmouthing them like there was no tomorrow, but because it's by Frank Miller, we're apparently supposed to give him a pass???

Sorry, but no, Frank Miller is long past his prime, (and possibly f'n insane) and this series has been nothing more than a pathetic waste of time and Jim Lee's talent.

Stop letting Frank Miller play with Batman, he's obviously no longer competant enough for the job, or has long since become tired of having to constantly return to this character for the past decade, when he clearly said all he needed to say in DKR.

The utterly stupid and craptacular "Dark Knight Strikes Again" should've been a clear indication that this guy should no longer be allowed near anyone else's characters but his own.
grants but one wish
Dec 1st, 2008, 06:44 PM
@purple man: how else woiuld miller get these FANTASTIC ideas from?
good fer what ails ye.
Dec 1st, 2008, 07:34 PM
I nearly peed myself with laughter at neo nazi chick.
Forum Virgin
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:26 PM
Can someone care to explain to me why the joker have the tatoo of a dragon in his back usually its a cliché tatoo reserve to asian characters
Big In Japan
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:30 PM
Man, I gotta pick up some of these comics. Crazy shit...

Also, the "sara" chick Gordon's obsessing about im presuming is Sara Essen. Who he has a bit of an affair with in "Batman: Year One".
Forgets Passwords Easily
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:51 PM
Fast hands, big mouth. Sweet gams that go on for days... Hold on let me just show his thighs in his Robin outfit... Mmmm, sassy.
The Goddamned Batman
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:21 AM
GreyWeirdo: You're right, I didn't even realize! It's been about eight or nine years since I've read Dark Knight Returns so I'd totally forgotten that! Good catch!

Darkvare: Yes, the art is indeed by Jim Lee.

Doctor_Who: You bring up a very good point. I've seen lots of reviewers giving this series a free pass, primarily because of that. Sad thing is that I've heard it's DC's best selling title for the past couple years (I have not verified this). Of course, I have to admit that I myself have enjoyed it immensely, because it's just so fucking insane.

Primortal: Sadly, if All Star Batman is making the kind of money I indicated up above, I'm afraid DC will continue letting Miller piss all over their characters. At least if my childhood heroes are going to be perverted though, we can try to have a sense of humor about it...of course, it's not hard to find the humor here.

Godzilla: Good catch. I haven't read Year One in a long time, so I never would have remembered that. That's surely who it is since Miller wrote both of those stories.

Thanks to everyone who enjoyed this piece.
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:33 AM
According to Wikipedia on the Dark Knight Returns page, Frank Miller has said this is a prequel set in his horrible, horrible universe.

In which case, how is one is expected to reconcile this depiction of Hal Jordan and the demigod-Batman's best friend I remember from Dark Knight Strikes Again?

You aren't, because a psychotic lady thinks using the symbol the Nazi party stole to cover her booblets is a grand way of honoring it, and a nice way to handle boob sweat on those humid summer days.
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:40 AM
Not having read any reviews on the book, except this one, I really would't say that Miller is getting a pass in his writing of this. Mocking someone for plot holes and continuity errors big enough to drive a batmobile through isn't exactly a pass, but it makes the read more enjoyable. I can't shelve in the graphic novels section anymore without hearing "The goddamn Batman!" in my head and snickering. Thanks, Proto, for another well done installment.

Also, I must note...

At this point, Batman realizes that he may have kind of fucked up a little bit, and that maybe his whole "abducting a twelve-year-old boy whose parents were just murdered and sweeping him up into my crazy lifestyle" plan wasn't thought out quite as well as it could have been.
YA THINK?! *laughs*
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:42 AM
"The Lunatic Adventures of the Goddamn Batman" pieces are among my favourite articles on I-Mockery, and this one does not disappoint either.

They have action figures of this series now, by the way, and I'm disappointed that the Batman figure doesn't include "goddamn" on its packaging. It's really all that's stopping me from buying it. (Well, that, price, and the fact that I have no more space in my room to display action figures.)

It's amazing what they let Frank Miller bastardise here. I wish I could get away with something like that. It's one of my dream jobs.
Big In Japan
Dec 2nd, 2008, 02:31 AM
Hang on... If Robin designed the costume, does that mean he actually wanted to wear "the little green shorts"?...

But you gotta give Robs' some credit for whupping Green Lantern's ass like that. I doubt he will ever live down the fact that he got beaten up by a twelve year old (twelve?)kid in little green shorts (painted yellow!).

Thank god for Jim Lee though. Without his awesome penciling, this comic would fall flat.

But you have to ask yourself the question: "was it really necessary that they painted every friggin' thing yellow just so Robin can beat up GL?". I know I did.
King of the Monsters
Dec 2nd, 2008, 02:35 AM
oh i like your reviews of this epic travesty Protoclown, they are indeed entertaining, probably the only thing about this train wreck that has been entertaining.

But it just annoys me how people seem to keep giving Frank Miller a pass when he totally fucks something up. I mean jeezus, people are taking offense to the possible ideas presented in Miller's long-delayed "Batman vs. Al Quaeda" comic idea, but seemingly have no problem with the colossal shit he's taken on DC Comics TWICE now??? I would've slapped his hands away from getting anywhere near my characters after the huge waste of time, ink, money and brain memory that was "Dark Knight Strikes Again".

It also strikes me as odd (and a WEE bit hypocritical) that DC took offense to stuff like Toyfare poking fun at their characters, but have no problem with this utter crap???

would gladly take anything Liefeld gave us over this stuff.
Dec 2nd, 2008, 05:06 AM
The only reason Goddamn Batman is allowed to go on is because of all the publicity and money it's making for DC Comics. Seriously, though, I wouldn't have it any other way. The world needs Goddamn Batman.
Valkyr Addict
Dec 2nd, 2008, 06:38 AM
"The only reason Goddamn Batman is allowed to go on is because of all the publicity and money it's making for DC Comics."

oh no, i bet they're just crying over frank miller's decline in quality.



brilliant, i'll go luagh over that some more.
Dec 2nd, 2008, 03:04 PM
Originally Posted by Primortal View Post
would gladly take anything Liefeld gave us over this stuff.

(Okay, sorry. Couldn't resist the blast from the past.)
after enough bourbon ...
Dec 2nd, 2008, 04:13 PM
How insane is Frank Miller? The truth?

Dec 2nd, 2008, 04:30 PM
Sometimes it takes a day or two for things to process, but in revisiting the article again, I'd just like to point yet another thing out.

He hands Robin a vial of deadly nerve gas and tells him to break off the glass tube so that it's jagged enough to pierce human flesh, but oh, be careful not to press the button on the side or it will release the gas and they will all die.
Pause. Hold the phone. Wait. Stop.


This is Batman. Batman doesn't *do* nerve gas. Batman has the little mask in his belt to protect him *from* the nerve gas, but he doesn't carry the stuff around with him! Hell, Batman could've even had a Doctor Junior's Handy Homemade Tracheotemy Kit on his belt and I'd have accepted that over a vial of deadly nerve gas.

Is that a shark? Do I see it jumping? Wait, that happened a long time ago. Nevermind.
Dec 2nd, 2008, 06:02 PM
Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.
The Sparklenatress
Dec 2nd, 2008, 08:49 PM
Gosh I couldnt beleive that either... The Goddamn Batman speaks like a goddamn teenager o _O;.

I could have written better dialogs I assure you =/.

**~Sparklez out~**
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Dec 2nd, 2008, 08:49 PM
This is the greatest thing in the universe.
The Goddamned Batman
Dec 2nd, 2008, 09:20 PM
Originally Posted by Drunken_Lemur408 View Post
Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.
Couldn't even tell ya. Aside from downloading a bit torrent so I could see the immediate after effects of the whole One More Day bullshit, I haven't read any of Brand New Day.
Amicable Herculean
Dec 2nd, 2008, 10:55 PM
It's doing better now, actually, "New Ways To Die" has been pretty good.
Dec 3rd, 2008, 12:58 AM
When crappy fanfiction gets a major release. Good work Miller. We've all waited a long time for this article and it didn't disappoint.
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2008, 01:10 AM
That yellow room is the biggest setback for the Green Lantern Corps since that time an army of Marshmellow Peeps conquered half the known universe.
The Magnificent Bastard
Dec 3rd, 2008, 02:04 AM
At last I read the long awaited review. I am not disappointed.

I really, really wish that instead of "The Brave and the Bold" the new Batman cartoon would be based off of this series, and called "The Goddamned Batman"!

I'd never miss an episode!
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2008, 09:02 AM
It's almost sad to see how much work Miller's putting into the continuity of this joke of a series. The Nazi boob lady, Sara, and I'm pretty sure that comment Batman makes to GL about needing to be criminals is mentioned by GL in Strikes Back. Except, in Strikes Back GL remembers it as being "Batman being right" and not "the time that bastard had a twelve year old beat me up in some yellow room".
Actually, I'm with Graystreet on this. How DID Batman and GL get from this to the point where Batman's the reason GL would return to Earth?
Roid Rager
Dec 3rd, 2008, 05:59 PM
I am afraid that this series has gone from insanely funny to read to just dumb. Too bad- the art has been solid.
Roid Rager
Dec 3rd, 2008, 06:12 PM
McDiaz- my guess is that GL returned to Earth because Bats promised him some of that spicy yellow mustard.
demerit n' dad
Dec 3rd, 2008, 07:04 PM
Excellent article, I can't wait for the next one.

I would've watched the last episodes of "The Batman" if they were like this.
Dec 4th, 2008, 08:42 PM
Isn't that the same half-naked Neo Nazi female from The Dark Knight Returns? Didn't Batman imply that she used to be a man in that comic?
An Arizona Horror Company
Dec 4th, 2008, 08:50 PM
Good Christ this is insane. I've always loved Miller's Batman simply because it's, well, insane. Gotham City, as a whole, is a lunatic asylum-- the denizens of Arkham just have better threads and snappier nicknames. And The Goddamn Batman is as nuts as they are.

I'm hearing Officer Barbrady's voice when I read Hal Jordan's dialogue here. Is that wrong?
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 4th, 2008, 09:43 PM
Originally Posted by Drunken_Lemur408 View Post
Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.

I've been reading it kind of regularly, just because sometimes I get desperate for something related to Superheroes to read, since Nightwing and X-Force are the only consistently good Superhero comic books, what with Final Crisis and dumb Hulk, and the still-broken X-Men (I'll give Marvel one free REBOOT THE UNIVERSE ticket if they'll undo House Of M.) and so much other crap ruining the DC and Marvel universes at the moment.

Spider-Man is a forty-year old man living at home with the first reincarnation of Eve, he stalked some random superhero girl named Jackpot, interrogated her, got a lie that he found out to be a lie, interrogated her some more, randomly broke into her house, found out she's a drug addict, became friends with random girl again, beat up random villian, random girl exploded. He cried, and then the girl that Jackpot had lied and said she was, decided to become Jackpot again.

Oh, and the random drugs gave her superpowers.

It's bad, it's really really bad and Stan Lee's going to break into Jose Quesada's crypt one night and stake him and then find out that he was not just a vampire, but a monkey as well.
By Hawkings Chair!
Dec 5th, 2008, 08:06 AM
Best column ever ^_^

FYI: The half nekkid nazi bint is called Bruno and she is the Jokers gf/bodyguard, at least she is according to Frank.
Forum Virgin
Dec 8th, 2008, 03:57 PM
I just wish people would stop supporting this book!
It doesnt matter WHY you buy it, when DC see good sales they dont care why and they will continue to reward Frank for being lazy and spiteful.
I have been reading this trainwreck but what I do is read it in the store and then buy another comic at random so I dont feel like Im ripping off the store.It also improves my odds of finding something actualy good!
I feel so cheated by all of the Batman writers lately.
Forum Virgin
Dec 8th, 2008, 06:05 PM
This book simply sells because it has Frank Miller and Jim Lee's names on it. If anyone else wrote it the book would be over by the fourth issue.
Dec 9th, 2008, 05:06 AM
So, I found a link on one of the other sites I visit regularly entitled "Top 50 Comic WTF Moments" and can you guess what clocks in at #27? I'll give you a hint...I wouldn't be posting it here if it were Wolverine in a dress. Yes, True Believers, it's the GODDAMN BATMAN.

That should link directly to the specific article, but in case it doesn't...

Throughout his career, Frank Miller has always been termed a "renegade." He's spoken of in the same reverential tones as Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman, as irreverent as he is. For new comic fans, those that have entered into this lifestyle in the past 10 years, it's hard to really understand the position that Miller holds for the long time fans. Frank Miller is the guy who wrote Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, and Daredevil: Born Again. He's the writer who created the whole concept of the "year one" origin comic. To the noobs, however, he's the writer who turned Batman into a royal dick.

Coming up with the comic book version of "Numa Numa" or "Chocolate Rain," Miller, within the pages of All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder, coined the phrase, "I'm the Goddamn Batman!" and it caught on like wildfire. It became a joke, even in the pages of ASBAR, as Batman said it every issue, every few pages. Miller knew not to take himself too seriously, even if the fanboys did.
The rest of the countdown is pretty good, too. At times funny, at times serious it's an interesting trip down comic history.
King of the Monsters
Dec 9th, 2008, 08:35 PM
So that TOTALLY excuses this mess suddenly, Copper??? O.o

Sorry, but I'm gonna have to call BULLSHIT here.

I respected the old Frank Miller, when he seemed to actually give a damn, drew really well, and didn't write his comics like a 12-year old fanfiction writer on a sugar high.

But that doesn't excuse this wretched pile of flaming ass.... well... except maybe getting to read Protoclown's reviews. :P
Dec 10th, 2008, 03:39 AM
*holds hands up* Never said it did. I'm just reporting what I found. I thought it was funny and given that we talk about the goddamn Batman, it would be interesting to share with all of you.

Personally, I'm with Proto. Miller's freaking batshit psycho, or at least his (Goddamn) Batman is.
Forum Virgin
Dec 12th, 2008, 12:01 AM
OK, let's all assume Miller has gone completely insane, or is just screwing with everyone for one reason or another. What I want to know is, what the hell does Jim Lee think when he gets these scripts? I mean, with direction like "large, burly woman with Howie Long's haircut stands guard outside the hotel room, with swatikas over her nipples", how can Lee not see that he's crapping on his legacy too?
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 12th, 2008, 01:04 AM
Jim Lee most likely doesn't have a choice, DC has proved that it doesn't take individuality/rebellion against it's diabolical machinations lightly, he may be working on a crappy comic book, but eventually, Miller will get bored, and he'll work on something better, if he said something about the state of the book, he risks being blacklisted by DC, and possibly even Marvel, which would be a huge blow to a comic book artist.
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:06 PM
Wow, I've been away too long. As always, great article Proto. I must say I'm a little disappointed you didn't include my favorite part starting issue 9 when Batman (pardon, the GODDAMN BATMAN) has a crazy little internal monologue in which he thinks Green Lantern has potentially ultimate power but "the imagination of a potato." Despite the obvious insanity of this whole run, I still found that part a little witty. Seriously, though, a monthly comic that only manages to print THREE ISSUES A FUCKING YEAR? If I still paid for comics, I'd have to kill somebody. I really miss back when Marvel and DC weren't both indirectly owned by the Prince of Lies.
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:22 PM
Oh yeah, forgot.....I seriously think the popularity of this series is solely due to morbid fascination. Yeah, Frank Miller and Jim Lee both have their names printed huge on the cover, but after reading the second issue, it became pretty obvious to me that there was no hope. And that's the catch. Everyone reading it just wants to see how much worse it can get. It's like seeing a plane crash or train wreck, and everyone's saying, "How horrible! How aweful! How could God let this happen?" and yet, nobody looks away. In fact, I bet some people said those same things after reading this book. How could God let this happen? How could he not take Frank Miller before he went insane? Well, screw Frank Miller and screw God too, I think it's hilarious. I wonder if Miller has any idea how much he's being mocked for this or if he's just happily dreaming of the Goddamn Batman in Spartan briefs and a red cape.
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:31 PM
Oh, and one more thing.........DAMN YOU AND YOUR LEMONADE!
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:44 PM
I honestly can't believe that people keep saying Frank Miller went insane, he started insane. He was kept in check during his run on Daredevil by Marvel's stricter character control at the time, which fooled people into believing he was a good writer, and sane. Then came his first spout of Batman crap which was insane, but practically post-apocalyptic so it was accepted.

Batman - Year One? Mostly sane, but he kept himself in check so he could directly influence Batman's entire continuity to fit with his insanity.

Finally, you get his magnum opus, Sin City. Which I'll honestly admit is kinda great at several points, but it can be as insane as he wants, because it's his universe, he gets to decide if the apple hits Newton on the head, or splits him down the middle.

But after that? He sits there, trying to revisit his earlier glories and failing. Then we get this and we see that he thinks it's still within his power to turn the apple into a lovechunk, and we know it's not and we care because they aren't his characters.
Dec 15th, 2008, 10:23 PM
Damn...Just when I thought Frank Miller couldn't get any crazier. Sure he always seemed like a disturbed fellow, at least compared to other comic writers at the time, but THIS? At first I hated it, but now I'm laughing at how insanely ridiculous it is. Is Frank Miller even aware of what's going on?
King of the Monsters
Dec 16th, 2008, 01:19 AM
Sorry for seemingly lashing out at you Copper, nothing against you in the slightest.

Just get a wee bit angry with All-Star (Goddamn) Batman. Well... that AND the (Goddamn) Spirit movie now too, aka: Sin City: The Untold Chapter.
Forum Virgin
Dec 22nd, 2008, 07:44 PM
my only contact with this comic is through these articles, and i totally prefer it that way. i loooove proto's version, with all his comments and stuff. i just HATE that it takes so long for miller to release this crap!
Reptilus Rex
Dec 25th, 2008, 03:07 PM
Miller's just been busy directing movies with his signature crazy as fuck dialog and logic.
Yes, I'm looking at you, The Spirit.
Forum Virgin
Jan 22nd, 2009, 02:22 PM
After reading these three articles, I just had to register in order thank you for writing them. I haven't read these particular goddam Batman comics and, after reading your hilarious articles, I don't think I ever will. Not that this is a bad thing. It's just that I know I will never enjoy them as much as you do, and will never enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed reading you writing about them. Um.

The whole story and the way in which you tell it is simply sublime and makes no bones about how fundamentally stupid superhero stories are - no matter how much we love them. The incident with Miss Neo Nazi Uberjuggs Bodyguard person so perfectly demonstrates this point. The original strip can only hint at the absurdity of it all, maybe even play up to it a little, but only here are the flaws so fully exposed. And, you know what? It makes the story better, gives it another dimension that would never work in the comic itself but is nevertheless valid.

I'm kinda' coming to the completely bizarre conclusion that absolutely the best way to enjoy this series is by having you tell me about it. I'd like to thank you and, through you, Frank goddam Miller, for such royal entertainment. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but after what I just read, I'm not sure that matters much. Oh no, I'm not sure that matters much at all.
Forum Virgin
Jan 29th, 2009, 11:03 PM
Originally Posted by Graystreet View Post
Jim Lee most likely doesn't have a choice, DC has proved that it doesn't take individuality/rebellion against it's diabolical machinations lightly, he may be working on a crappy comic book, but eventually, Miller will get bored, and he'll work on something better, if he said something about the state of the book, he risks being blacklisted by DC, and possibly even Marvel, which would be a huge blow to a comic book artist.

It is kinda like pro-wrestling. You don't talk crap about your current employer lest you need to come back to them.
Forum Virgin
Jan 30th, 2009, 06:56 PM
WOW, Miller has truly lost it dkr was excellent but,starting with dkr2 it felt like the story was crafted with hitting scrambled words that wher hanging from a dart board
Forum Virgin
Feb 27th, 2009, 08:57 PM
Personally, I thought the lawyer lady was kinda hot, up until the part where her eyes rool into the back of her head.
Forum Virgin
May 10th, 2009, 11:45 AM
I don't mean to be a smart ass, but the nazi woman is just the same girl who appears in the Dark Knight Returns, issue #3, I believe. And she was the Mutant Boss girlfriend as you might recall it.
Forum Virgin
Mar 27th, 2010, 12:20 PM
Miller's as much as saying outright that he is just doing this to settle his contractural obligations with DC.

The Nazi woman? Joker's Leiutenant in The Dark Knight Returns.

Merkel? Gordon's assistant in that same piece.

I don't know if anyone's ever bothered to READ the freaking forward to Dark Knight, but Alan Moore hit it on the head that Miller was writing the capstone to Wayne's career as Batman. CLOSURE, people!

Then they insisted he write more of it. Remember the utter horsehockey that was The Dark Knight Strikes Again??

This series is about the dystopia that created that crapsack world. The Dark Knight characters are a dead giveaway.
Hot for Nightcrawler
Oct 28th, 2010, 02:15 PM
Holy freaking crap! I haven't laughed this hard-or this much-in years! Thank you so much for writing this! (Bows repeatedly) We are not worthy!
Forum Virgin
Aug 24th, 2014, 07:27 PM
That is hilarious. The yellow paint, lol.

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