Comics

TALES FROM THE LONGBOX!

"Frank Miller Spiraling Out of Control"
12/01/08
by: Protoclown

...CONTINUED

Batman and Robin point out that Dick made a public statement to that effect just the day before, and so this boy in the Robin costume couldn't possibly be Dick Grayson. Until Robin then suggests that maybe he is Dick Grayson after all, which about causes Mr. Dummy's head to explode. Frank Miller must have a seething, pathological hatred of the Green Lantern character (at least the Hal Jordan version) to write him this way. His version of Solomon Grundy is probably smarter.


When Jordan gets mad, he sometimes displays his anger by pointing
at someone and making laser pyoo-pyoo-pyoo sounds.

In a further display of Frank Miller's unreasonable hatred for Hal Jordan, we then see that Robin managed to steal his power ring at some point, basically turning him from a superhero into a super zero. Oh, snap! And then Hal tries to get it back, while Robin plays keep-away. Yes, Hal Jordan is being bullied by a twelve-year-old boy.


"You can have the ring back, but only if you give me all your lunch money! Ha, ha!"

Robin continues to keep the ring away from Jordan, punching and slapping him around for a bit before finally jabbing him in the throat with his hand and crushing his windpipe, leaving him unable to breathe.


Because Robin was wearing his yellow yellow-room camouflage, Green Lantern never saw the attack coming.

Batman becomes enraged over how his kidnapped, traumatized, unstable, untrained sidekick has just gone all nutso and tried to kill a guy (who would have seen that coming?), throws him into a wall and then punches him in the face.


"Goddammit Robin! You forgot to paint one of the walls!"

Meanwhile, Green Lantern is desperately gasping for air as he slowly suffocates to death. Robin does not understand what he did wrong, because he was all on the "Wooooo! Yeah, we some crazy mothafuckas!" page, but Batman has very quickly and unexpectedly switched to another page. You've got to keep your eye on the Goddamn Batman.


"I...<gasp> see yellow feet...dancing...in the sky. They're <huukk> so...pretty."

Batman takes off his mask, revealing himself as Bruce Wayne to both Robin and Green Lantern, who is a little too busy dying to notice. He hands Robin a vial of deadly nerve gas and tells him to break off the glass tube so that it's jagged enough to pierce human flesh, but oh, be careful not to press the button on the side or it will release the gas and they will all die.


"I know, you'd think I'd have a black beard given my
black hair, but no, it's totally yellow. Weird, right?"

Batman must now perform emergency tracheotomy surgery, with no anesthetic and without proper medical instruments. Nevermind that they have a fucking Green Lantern power ring that can pretty much will anything they can think of into existence. I guess they don't think of that. Or they'd have to take off their yellow gloves to use it, and dammit, they don't have that kind of time!


"I learned it by watching YOU, Batman! I learned it by watching YOU!"

Green Lantern's life is saved, and they call an ambulance and leave (no word on whether they give back the power ring) before they get in trouble with the law. At this point, Batman realizes that he may have kind of fucked up a little bit, and that maybe his whole "abducting a twelve-year-old boy whose parents were just murdered and sweeping him up into my crazy lifestyle" plan wasn't thought out quite as well as it could have been. He decides that Robin hasn't had a proper chance to mourn his parents yet, so he drives him out to the graveyard and lets him punch his parents' tombstones and cry in the rain for a bit. That should solve everything!


"Yes, that's a nice hug, little Robin. Now, how's about you show me those fast hands of yours?"

Our tenth issue opens with Jim Gordon standing on the edge of a dock, giving an insanely long (seriously, it's like three and a half pages), rambling monologue about nothing in particular. He talks about Superman and his Fortress of Solitude, he talks about his family life a little bit, he talks about his time working as a cop in Chicago, he talks about the beaten, crazy woman dressed in a cat outfit who gave a worthless scrap of cardboard to one of his men. Then he dumps the cardboard into the water, saying it's "not worth a damn to anybody" and walks away.


"I ain't even that old, but I find that if you act totally senile and smell vaguely of urine, people don't generally mess with you."

We the reader are left wondering what the fuck Frank Miller is up to this time, when suddenly we discover that Batman and Robin were hiding out under the dock the whole time! Apparently Jim Gordon knew they were there and was saying all those things for Batman's benefit, rather than rambling on to the stars above like a kooky old man. The weird thing is that Batman acts as if he doesn't think that Gordon knew they were there, kind of like when your cat is "hiding" behind the curtains but his tail is sticking out, but you just play along and pretend like you can't find your cat anyway because you know it makes him happy. Anyway, the cardboard simply says "The First Time". Batman knows exactly what this means, and with a "Come on, chum! Let's go!" they're off into the night.


BATMAN: "A note written in lipstick, chum! Probably one of my many lady friends!"
ROBIN: "It could also be the Joker."
BATMAN: "God dammit."

Gordon goes back to his car and the officer waiting back there tells him that his wife just called and she sounded completely shitfaced. So he calls his wife back and sure enough, she is drunk off her ass. She is angry with him for some reason and hangs up on him. Gordon then reminisces on some mystery woman named Sara he's been obsessing over for the entire series. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin go into the sewers and then the subway on their journey to Catwoman.


This pose of Robin's cracks me up for some reason. Oh yeah, maybe because it's FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

Batman and Robin finally make it to the place referred to in the note, "the first time", meaning Batman's original Batcave, where he and Catwoman first had sex. At least, that's what I infer from his narration saying "we made a mess of things, Selina and I did that night, a sweaty, dirty, glorious mess". Of course, he could be referring to "the first time" they took some Mr. Clean to the Batcave and really tried to scrub away some of the grit down there. We don't find out why she's such a beat up mess, but we can guess that the Joker probably had something to do with it.


"So...you and Selina first bumped uglies down here, eh? Must've--oh god,
is that poop floating over there? Must've been romantic."

At the same time tomorrow, an hour ago, Batgirl is hitting up an arcade that was built to "clean up the streets", but it actually only served to give all the drug dealers an easy place to hang out and find plenty of new customers. (I should point out here also that the tenth issue was recalled due to the initial run not being censored enough. The black bars weren't dark enough so you could see the curse words underneath them. Well, despite the recall, copies got out and got sold, and then people online removed the black bars altogether. I will use the uncensored version here, because it's more fun.) Batgirl decides to ruin some drug dealer's day by stealing his skateboard.


Someday she will work up to stealing the Joker's skateboard, but for now she has to start off small.

These thugs pull out knives but she makes short work of them, proving that they are no match for the Fucking Batgirl!


First we have a "Goddamned Batman" and now we have a "Fucking Batgirl"?
Oh, sweet Jesus, thank you. The tree of comedy has borne delicious fruit!

We then cut to Black Canary, who we haven't seen in some time. She has just taken out another bar full of rough customers, has stolen all their money, and then she sets the place on fire, killing everyone inside. Oh, how heroic! Her narrative text features her pondering over recruiting a team of tough broads to help her on her mission, because she worries that if she doesn't have some backup, she's going to develop too much muscle and start looking like a man. I am not making that up.


Black Canary is even harsher than the Goddamned Batman,
for a few of her victims were burned to death for fashion crimes.

As she speeds away from the burning bar, she passes right by Jim Gordon and another cop, but they ignore her, because Gordon has gotten word that his wife has gotten into a drunken car crash, and he needs to be there. So you may have gotten away with it this time, Black Canary, but next time you won't be so lucky!!


"Name you a law that nutcase isn't breaking? Okay, well, she's not pirating illegal software, she's not jaywalking,
she's not kidnapping, she's not drunk in public, she's not urinating on a public official...pretty sure there's others too..."

Back at the arcade, Batgirl's actions seem to have incited a riot at worst, or an all-out brawl at best, which is something she's not too happy about, because somebody could get killed.


Batgirl watches mothafuckas get killed as she practices tricks off the railing.

Batgirl tries to go in and break it all up, but while she's distracted she ends up getting nabbed by the cops! Curses and drat! Daddy probably won't be too happy about this!


"Alright there, little lady! It's the hoosegow for you, and no mistake!"

But cops should be no problem for Batgirl, right? WRONG! They cuff her and stick her in the back of their car and take her down to the station. She knows that there's no way she's bullshitting (or if you remember from last time, "bullshittinging") her way out of this. Maybe she can convince her dad that it's just a Halloween costume.


Batgirl lowers her head in shame as she realizes how rusty her skateboarding skills have become.

Meanwhile at the hospital, a hot doctor chick in a miniskirt is telling Jim Gordon that his wife is a serious, I mean serious, alcoholic and she will probably fuck up and die from it if she doesn't get serious help. An officer interrupts and tells Gordon that his daughter is calling and that it's important and that she's only allowed one call, but Gordon snaps back for him to take a message because he's hearing about his fuck-up of a wife.


"Mr. Gordon, I've seen entire frats that are less drunk than your wife is right now."

A few minutes later, Gordon realizes what the officer meant by "only allowed one call" and visits his daughter in jail. He seems remarkably not upset about the whole thing. Because he's impressed by her bravery. Gordon tells her about what happened to her mom, and Batgirl tells him that he seems upset by the whole thing and that he should call Sara.


A game: Hidden carefully within this panel are two characters. Can you find them?

Jim has no idea how his daughter found out about Sara, but he decides that she's right. And in our climactic finish (are you ready for this?) Jim Gordon calls the mystery woman Sara, and ASKS HER TO TELL HIM ABOUT HER DAY! Pretty fucking intense, no?


Little does anyone realize that "Sara" is merely the performing name of the Penguin
at his second job working a phone sex hotline.

And that's it for our third installment of All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. I know you didn't want it to end. Hell, neither did I, but do you think this kind of crazy grows on trees? We still have a lot of crazy to deal with though. The Joker is running around out there, and god only knows what his plan is. Catwoman was beaten up, and we don't know why. Black Canary is still running around being all "heroic" and is now talking about gathering up recruits. The Justice League is still angry at Batman, and will be even more angry now that Robin almost killed Green Lantern. And Batgirl got herself arrested. So as you can see, there's still plenty of potential for crazy with all these plot threads still dangling out there. I for one can't wait until Batman and Joker finally come face to face. My prediction from the last article may yet prove true.

As soon as a few more issues are out, I will return with the next chronicle of the Goddamn Batman's tale! Until then you can create your own Goddamn Batman adventures by getting your own Batman costume, taking one of every pill you can find in the medicine cabinet, and then finding a large rock or a brick and hitting yourself in the head with enough force to generate a decent concussion!

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?
Email Protoclown and let him know!

Reader Comments

Pickled Patriarch
Dec 1st, 2008, 03:11 AM
The Joker's henchmen are now half-naked Nazi women!? Holy shit, Batman! Frank Miller, you have truly outdone yourself. "Goddamn" Batman indeed!
Forum Virgin
Dec 1st, 2008, 03:48 AM
The Crazy Neo-Nazi chick is in Dark Knight Returns too. She's on like one page, but she's there. Frank must have a 'thing' for her, which is sadly the least creepy 'thing' he's had so far.
aint nobody
Dec 1st, 2008, 04:22 AM
this...is so beyond fucking nuts
Fanboy
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:15 AM
Holy clusterfuck, Batman! Joker's sure got a thing for crazy blondes. As an old Babsy fan, I did kinda like her role in this - but Yvonne Craig, it is not.

Note how Yellow Batman, without his mask, resembles that famous mugshot of a dead-eyed paint huffer, his chin covered in gold paint? Probably not a coincidence.

For that matter, isn't Fraulein Swastika Boobs a Golden Age Wondy villain, or something? ("Wicked witch of Lesbos Island" - my LOL of the week).
Flying Finn
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:47 AM
Oh man...Frank must be so brilliant the rest of us just cant keep up.

Who...I ask you, who would have come up with combining neo-nazi nakedness and the Joker.

...oh and props for you Proto for not puting any caption under that image, it is indeed true what you say; "There is no caption that can do this image justice. "
Clap if you love Dynamo
Dec 1st, 2008, 06:02 AM
If all comics were this out there, I would spend all my money on comic books
Tinhorn varmint
Dec 1st, 2008, 06:22 AM
'Damn you and your lemonade' - I feel the uncontrollable need to repeat that to each and every person I meet. God bless Frank Miller and God bless you, Protoclown for making my week.
Commarade General
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:21 AM
"Don't try to confuse me!" And Green Lanter's expression made my day. I'm thinking into changing my avatar to that.

Thanks Protoclown, for another fine article.
taco loving zombie
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:46 AM
is the art by jim lee cause i like it but i think is wasted witht this weird story
I like cheese.
Dec 1st, 2008, 10:45 AM
Quote:
Green Lantern wanted to conjure up some mustard for his hot dog, but he was powerless to do so because it's yellow
The frowny face makes this comment full of win
Last of the Time Lords
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:15 AM
We don't tolerate bad writing from bad writers, why do we tolerate it from good writers? Seriously, if you had never heard of Frank Miller and you picked this up you'd be taping his picture over Rob Liefeld's on your dartboard before you'd finished the first page.
Member
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:43 AM
I really love the freaky bug eye that GL has while he's on the ground gasping for breath. Damn you Frank Miller for satirizing Hal Jordan.
Member
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:56 AM
For some reason I see an image of robin getting the crap beaten out of him for bringing home pink lemonade instead of regular. "Oww Stop Hitting ME! You just said to get some lemonade! Seriously, how was I supposed to know?"
Riot Control
Dec 1st, 2008, 12:00 PM
I know what my school project will be... Forget about software retail shops, forget about a law firm... What I must open is a fast food chain oriented to satisfy the needs of every superhero during a nocturnal shift.

Green Lantern: Hey, good ol' Silver, how's it going?
Silver: Not bad Lantern, not bad...
Green Lantern: Everything going OK with business?
Silver: It pays the bills...
Green Lantern: Great. While you're at it, can I have a something to go? You know I can't be seen eating here...
Silver: Only if you got the cash, bum. There's now way in hell I'll keep sticking those hot-dogs and sodas to your tab.
Amicable Herculean
Dec 1st, 2008, 12:52 PM
Quote:
The Crazy Neo-Nazi chick is in Dark Knight Returns too.
So does that mean this is all a prequel?
Valkyr Addict
Dec 1st, 2008, 02:04 PM
i don't know if theres anything i can say that can do justice to how bad and batshit insane this comic is.
100% Regulator
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:17 PM
wow. wow. love the look on the dying Gl's face!
King of the Monsters
Dec 1st, 2008, 05:51 PM
I agree with Doctor Who, if this was anyone else writing this, we'd be badmouthing them like there was no tomorrow, but because it's by Frank Miller, we're apparently supposed to give him a pass???

Sorry, but no, Frank Miller is long past his prime, (and possibly f'n insane) and this series has been nothing more than a pathetic waste of time and Jim Lee's talent.

Stop letting Frank Miller play with Batman, he's obviously no longer competant enough for the job, or has long since become tired of having to constantly return to this character for the past decade, when he clearly said all he needed to say in DKR.

The utterly stupid and craptacular "Dark Knight Strikes Again" should've been a clear indication that this guy should no longer be allowed near anyone else's characters but his own.
grants but one wish
Dec 1st, 2008, 06:44 PM
@purple man: how else woiuld miller get these FANTASTIC ideas from?
good fer what ails ye.
Dec 1st, 2008, 07:34 PM
I nearly peed myself with laughter at neo nazi chick.
Forum Virgin
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:26 PM
Can someone care to explain to me why the joker have the tatoo of a dragon in his back usually its a cliché tatoo reserve to asian characters
Big In Japan
Dec 1st, 2008, 09:30 PM
Man, I gotta pick up some of these comics. Crazy shit...

Also, the "sara" chick Gordon's obsessing about im presuming is Sara Essen. Who he has a bit of an affair with in "Batman: Year One".
Forgets Passwords Easily
Dec 1st, 2008, 11:51 PM
Fast hands, big mouth. Sweet gams that go on for days... Hold on let me just show his thighs in his Robin outfit... Mmmm, sassy.
The Goddamned Batman
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:21 AM
GreyWeirdo: You're right, I didn't even realize! It's been about eight or nine years since I've read Dark Knight Returns so I'd totally forgotten that! Good catch!

Darkvare: Yes, the art is indeed by Jim Lee.

Doctor_Who: You bring up a very good point. I've seen lots of reviewers giving this series a free pass, primarily because of that. Sad thing is that I've heard it's DC's best selling title for the past couple years (I have not verified this). Of course, I have to admit that I myself have enjoyed it immensely, because it's just so fucking insane.

Primortal: Sadly, if All Star Batman is making the kind of money I indicated up above, I'm afraid DC will continue letting Miller piss all over their characters. At least if my childhood heroes are going to be perverted though, we can try to have a sense of humor about it...of course, it's not hard to find the humor here.

Godzilla: Good catch. I haven't read Year One in a long time, so I never would have remembered that. That's surely who it is since Miller wrote both of those stories.

Thanks to everyone who enjoyed this piece.
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:33 AM
According to Wikipedia on the Dark Knight Returns page, Frank Miller has said this is a prequel set in his horrible, horrible universe.

In which case, how is one is expected to reconcile this depiction of Hal Jordan and the demigod-Batman's best friend I remember from Dark Knight Strikes Again?


You aren't, because a psychotic lady thinks using the symbol the Nazi party stole to cover her booblets is a grand way of honoring it, and a nice way to handle boob sweat on those humid summer days.
Member
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:40 AM
Not having read any reviews on the book, except this one, I really would't say that Miller is getting a pass in his writing of this. Mocking someone for plot holes and continuity errors big enough to drive a batmobile through isn't exactly a pass, but it makes the read more enjoyable. I can't shelve in the graphic novels section anymore without hearing "The goddamn Batman!" in my head and snickering. Thanks, Proto, for another well done installment.

Also, I must note...

Quote:
At this point, Batman realizes that he may have kind of fucked up a little bit, and that maybe his whole "abducting a twelve-year-old boy whose parents were just murdered and sweeping him up into my crazy lifestyle" plan wasn't thought out quite as well as it could have been.
YA THINK?! *laughs*
Member
Dec 2nd, 2008, 12:42 AM
"The Lunatic Adventures of the Goddamn Batman" pieces are among my favourite articles on I-Mockery, and this one does not disappoint either.

They have action figures of this series now, by the way, and I'm disappointed that the Batman figure doesn't include "goddamn" on its packaging. It's really all that's stopping me from buying it. (Well, that, price, and the fact that I have no more space in my room to display action figures.)

It's amazing what they let Frank Miller bastardise here. I wish I could get away with something like that. It's one of my dream jobs.
Big In Japan
Dec 2nd, 2008, 02:31 AM
Hang on... If Robin designed the costume, does that mean he actually wanted to wear "the little green shorts"?...

But you gotta give Robs' some credit for whupping Green Lantern's ass like that. I doubt he will ever live down the fact that he got beaten up by a twelve year old (twelve?)kid in little green shorts (painted yellow!).

Thank god for Jim Lee though. Without his awesome penciling, this comic would fall flat.

But you have to ask yourself the question: "was it really necessary that they painted every friggin' thing yellow just so Robin can beat up GL?". I know I did.
King of the Monsters
Dec 2nd, 2008, 02:35 AM
oh i like your reviews of this epic travesty Protoclown, they are indeed entertaining, probably the only thing about this train wreck that has been entertaining.

But it just annoys me how people seem to keep giving Frank Miller a pass when he totally fucks something up. I mean jeezus, people are taking offense to the possible ideas presented in Miller's long-delayed "Batman vs. Al Quaeda" comic idea, but seemingly have no problem with the colossal shit he's taken on DC Comics TWICE now??? I would've slapped his hands away from getting anywhere near my characters after the huge waste of time, ink, money and brain memory that was "Dark Knight Strikes Again".

It also strikes me as odd (and a WEE bit hypocritical) that DC took offense to stuff like Toyfare poking fun at their characters, but have no problem with this utter crap???

would gladly take anything Liefeld gave us over this stuff.
Member
Dec 2nd, 2008, 05:06 AM
The only reason Goddamn Batman is allowed to go on is because of all the publicity and money it's making for DC Comics. Seriously, though, I wouldn't have it any other way. The world needs Goddamn Batman.
Valkyr Addict
Dec 2nd, 2008, 06:38 AM
"The only reason Goddamn Batman is allowed to go on is because of all the publicity and money it's making for DC Comics."

oh no, i bet they're just crying over frank miller's decline in quality.

ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH HO HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH HAHAHAHAHA!

brilliant, i'll go luagh over that some more.
Member
Dec 2nd, 2008, 03:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primortal View Post
would gladly take anything Liefeld gave us over this stuff.
TULIP BULB!

(Okay, sorry. Couldn't resist the blast from the past.)
after enough bourbon ...
Dec 2nd, 2008, 04:13 PM
How insane is Frank Miller? The truth?

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!
Member
Dec 2nd, 2008, 04:30 PM
Sometimes it takes a day or two for things to process, but in revisiting the article again, I'd just like to point yet another thing out.

Quote:
He hands Robin a vial of deadly nerve gas and tells him to break off the glass tube so that it's jagged enough to pierce human flesh, but oh, be careful not to press the button on the side or it will release the gas and they will all die.
Pause. Hold the phone. Wait. Stop.

WTF IS BATMAN DOING WITH DEADLY NERVE GAS?!?!?!

This is Batman. Batman doesn't *do* nerve gas. Batman has the little mask in his belt to protect him *from* the nerve gas, but he doesn't carry the stuff around with him! Hell, Batman could've even had a Doctor Junior's Handy Homemade Tracheotemy Kit on his belt and I'd have accepted that over a vial of deadly nerve gas.

Is that a shark? Do I see it jumping? Wait, that happened a long time ago. Nevermind.
Member
Dec 2nd, 2008, 06:02 PM
Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.
The Sparklenatress
Dec 2nd, 2008, 08:49 PM
Gosh I couldnt beleive that either... The Goddamn Batman speaks like a goddamn teenager o _O;.

I could have written better dialogs I assure you =/.

**~Sparklez out~**
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Dec 2nd, 2008, 08:49 PM
This is the greatest thing in the universe.
The Goddamned Batman
Dec 2nd, 2008, 09:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drunken_Lemur408 View Post
Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.
Couldn't even tell ya. Aside from downloading a bit torrent so I could see the immediate after effects of the whole One More Day bullshit, I haven't read any of Brand New Day.
Amicable Herculean
Dec 2nd, 2008, 10:55 PM
It's doing better now, actually, "New Ways To Die" has been pretty good.
Member
Dec 3rd, 2008, 12:58 AM
When crappy fanfiction gets a major release. Good work Miller. We've all waited a long time for this article and it didn't disappoint.
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2008, 01:10 AM
That yellow room is the biggest setback for the Green Lantern Corps since that time an army of Marshmellow Peeps conquered half the known universe.
The Magnificent Bastard
Dec 3rd, 2008, 02:04 AM
At last I read the long awaited review. I am not disappointed.

I really, really wish that instead of "The Brave and the Bold" the new Batman cartoon would be based off of this series, and called "The Goddamned Batman"!

I'd never miss an episode!
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2008, 09:02 AM
It's almost sad to see how much work Miller's putting into the continuity of this joke of a series. The Nazi boob lady, Sara, and I'm pretty sure that comment Batman makes to GL about needing to be criminals is mentioned by GL in Strikes Back. Except, in Strikes Back GL remembers it as being "Batman being right" and not "the time that bastard had a twelve year old beat me up in some yellow room".
Actually, I'm with Graystreet on this. How DID Batman and GL get from this to the point where Batman's the reason GL would return to Earth?
Roid Rager
Dec 3rd, 2008, 05:59 PM
I am afraid that this series has gone from insanely funny to read to just dumb. Too bad- the art has been solid.
Roid Rager
Dec 3rd, 2008, 06:12 PM
McDiaz- my guess is that GL returned to Earth because Bats promised him some of that spicy yellow mustard.
demerit n' dad
Dec 3rd, 2008, 07:04 PM
Excellent article, I can't wait for the next one.

I would've watched the last episodes of "The Batman" if they were like this.
pickled
Dec 4th, 2008, 08:42 PM
Isn't that the same half-naked Neo Nazi female from The Dark Knight Returns? Didn't Batman imply that she used to be a man in that comic?
An Arizona Horror Company
Dec 4th, 2008, 08:50 PM
Good Christ this is insane. I've always loved Miller's Batman simply because it's, well, insane. Gotham City, as a whole, is a lunatic asylum-- the denizens of Arkham just have better threads and snappier nicknames. And The Goddamn Batman is as nuts as they are.

I'm hearing Officer Barbrady's voice when I read Hal Jordan's dialogue here. Is that wrong?
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 4th, 2008, 09:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drunken_Lemur408 View Post
Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.


I've been reading it kind of regularly, just because sometimes I get desperate for something related to Superheroes to read, since Nightwing and X-Force are the only consistently good Superhero comic books, what with Final Crisis and dumb Hulk, and the still-broken X-Men (I'll give Marvel one free REBOOT THE UNIVERSE ticket if they'll undo House Of M.) and so much other crap ruining the DC and Marvel universes at the moment.


Spider-Man is a forty-year old man living at home with the first reincarnation of Eve, he stalked some random superhero girl named Jackpot, interrogated her, got a lie that he found out to be a lie, interrogated her some more, randomly broke into her house, found out she's a drug addict, became friends with random girl again, beat up random villian, random girl exploded. He cried, and then the girl that Jackpot had lied and said she was, decided to become Jackpot again.


Oh, and the random drugs gave her superpowers.


It's bad, it's really really bad and Stan Lee's going to break into Jose Quesada's crypt one night and stake him and then find out that he was not just a vampire, but a monkey as well.
By Hawkings Chair!
Dec 5th, 2008, 08:06 AM
Best column ever ^_^

FYI: The half nekkid nazi bint is called Bruno and she is the Jokers gf/bodyguard, at least she is according to Frank.
Forum Virgin
Dec 8th, 2008, 03:57 PM
I just wish people would stop supporting this book!
It doesnt matter WHY you buy it, when DC see good sales they dont care why and they will continue to reward Frank for being lazy and spiteful.
I have been reading this trainwreck but what I do is read it in the store and then buy another comic at random so I dont feel like Im ripping off the store.It also improves my odds of finding something actualy good!
I feel so cheated by all of the Batman writers lately.
Forum Virgin
Dec 8th, 2008, 06:05 PM
This book simply sells because it has Frank Miller and Jim Lee's names on it. If anyone else wrote it the book would be over by the fourth issue.
Member
Dec 9th, 2008, 05:06 AM
So, I found a link on one of the other sites I visit regularly entitled "Top 50 Comic WTF Moments" and can you guess what clocks in at #27? I'll give you a hint...I wouldn't be posting it here if it were Wolverine in a dress. Yes, True Believers, it's the GODDAMN BATMAN.

http://www.ugo.com/comics/wtf-moment...an&morepics=17

That should link directly to the specific article, but in case it doesn't...

Quote:
Throughout his career, Frank Miller has always been termed a "renegade." He's spoken of in the same reverential tones as Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman, as irreverent as he is. For new comic fans, those that have entered into this lifestyle in the past 10 years, it's hard to really understand the position that Miller holds for the long time fans. Frank Miller is the guy who wrote Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, and Daredevil: Born Again. He's the writer who created the whole concept of the "year one" origin comic. To the noobs, however, he's the writer who turned Batman into a royal dick.

Coming up with the comic book version of "Numa Numa" or "Chocolate Rain," Miller, within the pages of All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder, coined the phrase, "I'm the Goddamn Batman!" and it caught on like wildfire. It became a joke, even in the pages of ASBAR, as Batman said it every issue, every few pages. Miller knew not to take himself too seriously, even if the fanboys did.
The rest of the countdown is pretty good, too. At times funny, at times serious it's an interesting trip down comic history.
King of the Monsters
Dec 9th, 2008, 08:35 PM
So that TOTALLY excuses this mess suddenly, Copper??? O.o

Sorry, but I'm gonna have to call BULLSHIT here.

I respected the old Frank Miller, when he seemed to actually give a damn, drew really well, and didn't write his comics like a 12-year old fanfiction writer on a sugar high.

But that doesn't excuse this wretched pile of flaming ass.... well... except maybe getting to read Protoclown's reviews. :P
Member
Dec 10th, 2008, 03:39 AM
*holds hands up* Never said it did. I'm just reporting what I found. I thought it was funny and given that we talk about the goddamn Batman, it would be interesting to share with all of you.

Personally, I'm with Proto. Miller's freaking batshit psycho, or at least his (Goddamn) Batman is.
Forum Virgin
Dec 12th, 2008, 12:01 AM
OK, let's all assume Miller has gone completely insane, or is just screwing with everyone for one reason or another. What I want to know is, what the hell does Jim Lee think when he gets these scripts? I mean, with direction like "large, burly woman with Howie Long's haircut stands guard outside the hotel room, with swatikas over her nipples", how can Lee not see that he's crapping on his legacy too?
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 12th, 2008, 01:04 AM
Jim Lee most likely doesn't have a choice, DC has proved that it doesn't take individuality/rebellion against it's diabolical machinations lightly, he may be working on a crappy comic book, but eventually, Miller will get bored, and he'll work on something better, if he said something about the state of the book, he risks being blacklisted by DC, and possibly even Marvel, which would be a huge blow to a comic book artist.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:06 PM
Wow, I've been away too long. As always, great article Proto. I must say I'm a little disappointed you didn't include my favorite part starting issue 9 when Batman (pardon, the GODDAMN BATMAN) has a crazy little internal monologue in which he thinks Green Lantern has potentially ultimate power but "the imagination of a potato." Despite the obvious insanity of this whole run, I still found that part a little witty. Seriously, though, a monthly comic that only manages to print THREE ISSUES A FUCKING YEAR? If I still paid for comics, I'd have to kill somebody. I really miss back when Marvel and DC weren't both indirectly owned by the Prince of Lies.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:22 PM
Oh yeah, forgot.....I seriously think the popularity of this series is solely due to morbid fascination. Yeah, Frank Miller and Jim Lee both have their names printed huge on the cover, but after reading the second issue, it became pretty obvious to me that there was no hope. And that's the catch. Everyone reading it just wants to see how much worse it can get. It's like seeing a plane crash or train wreck, and everyone's saying, "How horrible! How aweful! How could God let this happen?" and yet, nobody looks away. In fact, I bet some people said those same things after reading this book. How could God let this happen? How could he not take Frank Miller before he went insane? Well, screw Frank Miller and screw God too, I think it's hilarious. I wonder if Miller has any idea how much he's being mocked for this or if he's just happily dreaming of the Goddamn Batman in Spartan briefs and a red cape.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:31 PM
Oh, and one more thing.........DAMN YOU AND YOUR LEMONADE!
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 12th, 2008, 07:44 PM
I honestly can't believe that people keep saying Frank Miller went insane, he started insane. He was kept in check during his run on Daredevil by Marvel's stricter character control at the time, which fooled people into believing he was a good writer, and sane. Then came his first spout of Batman crap which was insane, but practically post-apocalyptic so it was accepted.

Batman - Year One? Mostly sane, but he kept himself in check so he could directly influence Batman's entire continuity to fit with his insanity.

Finally, you get his magnum opus, Sin City. Which I'll honestly admit is kinda great at several points, but it can be as insane as he wants, because it's his universe, he gets to decide if the apple hits Newton on the head, or splits him down the middle.

But after that? He sits there, trying to revisit his earlier glories and failing. Then we get this and we see that he thinks it's still within his power to turn the apple into a lovechunk, and we know it's not and we care because they aren't his characters.
Forum Virgin
Dec 15th, 2008, 10:23 PM
Damn...Just when I thought Frank Miller couldn't get any crazier. Sure he always seemed like a disturbed fellow, at least compared to other comic writers at the time, but THIS? At first I hated it, but now I'm laughing at how insanely ridiculous it is. Is Frank Miller even aware of what's going on?
King of the Monsters
Dec 16th, 2008, 01:19 AM
Sorry for seemingly lashing out at you Copper, nothing against you in the slightest.

Just get a wee bit angry with All-Star (Goddamn) Batman. Well... that AND the (Goddamn) Spirit movie now too, aka: Sin City: The Untold Chapter.
Forum Virgin
Dec 22nd, 2008, 07:44 PM
my only contact with this comic is through these articles, and i totally prefer it that way. i loooove proto's version, with all his comments and stuff. i just HATE that it takes so long for miller to release this crap!
Reptilus Rex
Dec 25th, 2008, 03:07 PM
Miller's just been busy directing movies with his signature crazy as fuck dialog and logic.
Yes, I'm looking at you, The Spirit.
Forum Virgin
Jan 22nd, 2009, 02:22 PM
After reading these three articles, I just had to register in order thank you for writing them. I haven't read these particular goddam Batman comics and, after reading your hilarious articles, I don't think I ever will. Not that this is a bad thing. It's just that I know I will never enjoy them as much as you do, and will never enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed reading you writing about them. Um.

The whole story and the way in which you tell it is simply sublime and makes no bones about how fundamentally stupid superhero stories are - no matter how much we love them. The incident with Miss Neo Nazi Uberjuggs Bodyguard person so perfectly demonstrates this point. The original strip can only hint at the absurdity of it all, maybe even play up to it a little, but only here are the flaws so fully exposed. And, you know what? It makes the story better, gives it another dimension that would never work in the comic itself but is nevertheless valid.

I'm kinda' coming to the completely bizarre conclusion that absolutely the best way to enjoy this series is by having you tell me about it. I'd like to thank you and, through you, Frank goddam Miller, for such royal entertainment. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but after what I just read, I'm not sure that matters much. Oh no, I'm not sure that matters much at all.
Forum Virgin
Jan 29th, 2009, 11:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graystreet View Post
Jim Lee most likely doesn't have a choice, DC has proved that it doesn't take individuality/rebellion against it's diabolical machinations lightly, he may be working on a crappy comic book, but eventually, Miller will get bored, and he'll work on something better, if he said something about the state of the book, he risks being blacklisted by DC, and possibly even Marvel, which would be a huge blow to a comic book artist.
True.

It is kinda like pro-wrestling. You don't talk crap about your current employer lest you need to come back to them.
Forum Virgin
Jan 30th, 2009, 06:56 PM
WOW, Miller has truly lost it dkr was excellent but,starting with dkr2 it felt like the story was crafted with hitting scrambled words that wher hanging from a dart board
Forum Virgin
Feb 27th, 2009, 08:57 PM
Personally, I thought the lawyer lady was kinda hot, up until the part where her eyes rool into the back of her head.
Forum Virgin
May 10th, 2009, 11:45 AM
I don't mean to be a smart ass, but the nazi woman is just the same girl who appears in the Dark Knight Returns, issue #3, I believe. And she was the Mutant Boss girlfriend as you might recall it.
Forum Virgin
Mar 27th, 2010, 12:20 PM
Miller's as much as saying outright that he is just doing this to settle his contractural obligations with DC.

The Nazi woman? Joker's Leiutenant in The Dark Knight Returns.

Merkel? Gordon's assistant in that same piece.

I don't know if anyone's ever bothered to READ the freaking forward to Dark Knight, but Alan Moore hit it on the head that Miller was writing the capstone to Wayne's career as Batman. CLOSURE, people!

Then they insisted he write more of it. Remember the utter horsehockey that was The Dark Knight Strikes Again??

This series is about the dystopia that created that crapsack world. The Dark Knight characters are a dead giveaway.
Hot for Nightcrawler
Oct 28th, 2010, 02:15 PM
Holy freaking crap! I haven't laughed this hard-or this much-in years! Thank you so much for writing this! (Bows repeatedly) We are not worthy!
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