Tales From the Longbox 30: "Frank Miller Spiraling Out of Control"

[Graystreet]

According to Wikipedia on the Dark Knight Returns page, Frank Miller has said this is a prequel set in his horrible, horrible universe.

In which case, how is one is expected to reconcile this depiction of Hal Jordan and the demigod-Batman's best friend I remember from Dark Knight Strikes Again?


You aren't, because a psychotic lady thinks using the symbol the Nazi party stole to cover her booblets is a grand way of honoring it, and a nice way to handle boob sweat on those humid summer days.

[Copper]

Not having read any reviews on the book, except this one, I really would't say that Miller is getting a pass in his writing of this. Mocking someone for plot holes and continuity errors big enough to drive a batmobile through isn't exactly a pass, but it makes the read more enjoyable. I can't shelve in the graphic novels section anymore without hearing "The goddamn Batman!" in my head and snickering. Thanks, Proto, for another well done installment.

Also, I must note...

At this point, Batman realizes that he may have kind of fucked up a little bit, and that maybe his whole "abducting a twelve-year-old boy whose parents were just murdered and sweeping him up into my crazy lifestyle" plan wasn't thought out quite as well as it could have been.

YA THINK?! *laughs*

[DarkfireTaimatsu]

"The Lunatic Adventures of the Goddamn Batman" pieces are among my favourite articles on I-Mockery, and this one does not disappoint either.

They have action figures of this series now, by the way, and I'm disappointed that the Batman figure doesn't include "goddamn" on its packaging. It's really all that's stopping me from buying it. (Well, that, price, and the fact that I have no more space in my room to display action figures.)

It's amazing what they let Frank Miller bastardise here. I wish I could get away with something like that. It's one of my dream jobs.

[Godzilla]

Hang on... If Robin designed the costume, does that mean he actually wanted to wear "the little green shorts"?...

But you gotta give Robs' some credit for whupping Green Lantern's ass like that. I doubt he will ever live down the fact that he got beaten up by a twelve year old (twelve?)kid in little green shorts (painted yellow!).

Thank god for Jim Lee though. Without his awesome penciling, this comic would fall flat.

But you have to ask yourself the question: "was it really necessary that they painted every friggin' thing yellow just so Robin can beat up GL?". I know I did.

[Primortal]

oh i like your reviews of this epic travesty Protoclown, they are indeed entertaining, probably the only thing about this train wreck that has been entertaining.

But it just annoys me how people seem to keep giving Frank Miller a pass when he totally fucks something up. I mean jeezus, people are taking offense to the possible ideas presented in Miller's long-delayed "Batman vs. Al Quaeda" comic idea, but seemingly have no problem with the colossal shit he's taken on DC Comics TWICE now??? I would've slapped his hands away from getting anywhere near my characters after the huge waste of time, ink, money and brain memory that was "Dark Knight Strikes Again".

It also strikes me as odd (and a WEE bit hypocritical) that DC took offense to stuff like Toyfare poking fun at their characters, but have no problem with this utter crap???

would gladly take anything Liefeld gave us over this stuff.

[Mike P]

The only reason Goddamn Batman is allowed to go on is because of all the publicity and money it's making for DC Comics. Seriously, though, I wouldn't have it any other way. The world needs Goddamn Batman.

[homor]

"The only reason Goddamn Batman is allowed to go on is because of all the publicity and money it's making for DC Comics."

oh no, i bet they're just crying over frank miller's decline in quality.

ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH HO HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH HAHAHAHAHA!

brilliant, i'll go luagh over that some more.

[Copper]

Originally Posted by Primortal

would gladly take anything Liefeld gave us over this stuff.

TULIP BULB!

(Okay, sorry. Couldn't resist the blast from the past.)

[Colonel Flagg]

How insane is Frank Miller? The truth?

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!

[Copper]

Sometimes it takes a day or two for things to process, but in revisiting the article again, I'd just like to point yet another thing out.

He hands Robin a vial of deadly nerve gas and tells him to break off the glass tube so that it's jagged enough to pierce human flesh, but oh, be careful not to press the button on the side or it will release the gas and they will all die.

Pause. Hold the phone. Wait. Stop.

WTF IS BATMAN DOING WITH DEADLY NERVE GAS?!?!?!

This is Batman. Batman doesn't *do* nerve gas. Batman has the little mask in his belt to protect him *from* the nerve gas, but he doesn't carry the stuff around with him! Hell, Batman could've even had a Doctor Junior's Handy Homemade Tracheotemy Kit on his belt and I'd have accepted that over a vial of deadly nerve gas.

Is that a shark? Do I see it jumping? Wait, that happened a long time ago. Nevermind.

[Drunken_Lemur408]

Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.

[Sparklez]

Gosh I couldnt beleive that either... The Goddamn Batman speaks like a goddamn teenager o _O;.

I could have written better dialogs I assure you =/.

**~Sparklez out~**

[NCHammer326]

This is the greatest thing in the universe.

[Protoclown]

Originally Posted by Drunken_Lemur408

Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.

Couldn't even tell ya. Aside from downloading a bit torrent so I could see the immediate after effects of the whole One More Day bullshit, I haven't read any of Brand New Day.

[captain516]

It's doing better now, actually, "New Ways To Die" has been pretty good.

[neoboman]

When crappy fanfiction gets a major release. Good work Miller. We've all waited a long time for this article and it didn't disappoint.

[Ubiq]

That yellow room is the biggest setback for the Green Lantern Corps since that time an army of Marshmellow Peeps conquered half the known universe.

[Tetsu Deinonychus]

At last I read the long awaited review. I am not disappointed.

I really, really wish that instead of "The Brave and the Bold" the new Batman cartoon would be based off of this series, and called "The Goddamned Batman"!

I'd never miss an episode!

[McDiaz]

It's almost sad to see how much work Miller's putting into the continuity of this joke of a series. The Nazi boob lady, Sara, and I'm pretty sure that comment Batman makes to GL about needing to be criminals is mentioned by GL in Strikes Back. Except, in Strikes Back GL remembers it as being "Batman being right" and not "the time that bastard had a twelve year old beat me up in some yellow room".
Actually, I'm with Graystreet on this. How DID Batman and GL get from this to the point where Batman's the reason GL would return to Earth?

[CaTlaloc]

I am afraid that this series has gone from insanely funny to read to just dumb. Too bad- the art has been solid.

[CaTlaloc]

McDiaz- my guess is that GL returned to Earth because Bats promised him some of that spicy yellow mustard.

[Wild Wallace]

Excellent article, I can't wait for the next one.

I would've watched the last episodes of "The Batman" if they were like this.

[Nick]

Isn't that the same half-naked Neo Nazi female from The Dark Knight Returns? Didn't Batman imply that she used to be a man in that comic?

[Desert_Screams]

Good Christ this is insane. I've always loved Miller's Batman simply because it's, well, insane. Gotham City, as a whole, is a lunatic asylum-- the denizens of Arkham just have better threads and snappier nicknames. And The Goddamn Batman is as nuts as they are.

I'm hearing Officer Barbrady's voice when I read Hal Jordan's dialogue here. Is that wrong?

[Graystreet]

Originally Posted by Drunken_Lemur408

Hey proto, hows the shitstorm known as Spider-Man been doing? I here that Jakpot isn't even Mary Jane.

I've been reading it kind of regularly, just because sometimes I get desperate for something related to Superheroes to read, since Nightwing and X-Force are the only consistently good Superhero comic books, what with Final Crisis and dumb Hulk, and the still-broken X-Men (I'll give Marvel one free REBOOT THE UNIVERSE ticket if they'll undo House Of M.) and so much other crap ruining the DC and Marvel universes at the moment.


Spider-Man is a forty-year old man living at home with the first reincarnation of Eve, he stalked some random superhero girl named Jackpot, interrogated her, got a lie that he found out to be a lie, interrogated her some more, randomly broke into her house, found out she's a drug addict, became friends with random girl again, beat up random villian, random girl exploded. He cried, and then the girl that Jackpot had lied and said she was, decided to become Jackpot again.


Oh, and the random drugs gave her superpowers.


It's bad, it's really really bad and Stan Lee's going to break into Jose Quesada's crypt one night and stake him and then find out that he was not just a vampire, but a monkey as well.