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Jan 25th, 2009 11:21 AM
Graystreet Lewis Black's eyeball? That's kind of offensive, how about we take body parts from someone funny? Take Robert Klein's leg, that'll work.
Jan 24th, 2009 01:10 PM
Desert_Screams Ph*cking brilliant!

Going through the I-M archives to get my hands on all things Burbank. Awesome stuff. Take Mark Twain, Christopher Hitchens, Lewis Black's right eyeball, and the stomach lining of Ogden Nash, put them all in a blender, get really pissed off when you realize they won't fit in a blender, but then imagine really, really hard that they would....and you would have the essence of Max Burbank. Only, y'know, a whole lot less messy than all that stuff blended together would be.
Sep 24th, 2008 01:38 AM
al_frank2000 Good lord, I've had 35 jobs in my life, and this sounds like the drill. Unfortunately I don't think some people are cut out for the workaday world. To crazy for work and too sane for disability.
Aug 18th, 2008 12:44 AM
Jigby Huggletinks You are, my Lord.

By the way, I can't help but read your custom title every time as "The Movie Nerd Food Toxic".
Aug 16th, 2008 03:19 AM
0dd1 I'm gonna show this to my sister, who, ahem, has been stuck in the relaxation phase for years...
Aug 14th, 2008 12:07 PM
mburbank Hey, Jig's, am I the beneficiary on your life insurance policy yet?
Aug 14th, 2008 11:14 AM
Jigby Huggletinks That's why you throw them, my Lord.
Aug 14th, 2008 07:57 AM
mburbank Tried it, my kids are still too short to hop into a moving box car.
Aug 14th, 2008 02:26 AM
testtube The last job I was canned from I told the manager I was going to slit his fat guts open and I hoped his fatass died of a heart attack. That was being fired from a dangerous chemical factory, I hated that job so much I just started showing up late on purpose usually drunk. I couldn't get unemployment. Go play in a punk band and hang around train hoppers, they come in all ages and sizes, living with unemployment is actually pretty cool if you're not a complete square-ball.
Aug 13th, 2008 11:58 PM
Mockery What's really odd is that now Max makes more money collecting and eating spiders than he ever did at the Museum of Science.
Aug 13th, 2008 06:18 PM
Protoclown Now he collects and eats spiders
Aug 13th, 2008 04:10 PM
mburbank I worked in the exhibits department at a large metropolitan the Museum of Science.
Aug 13th, 2008 04:06 PM
Dungeonbrownies Im still itching to know what it is you do/did.
Aug 13th, 2008 04:30 AM
resident-adam Pretty funny article. Keep up the good work, Max.
Aug 13th, 2008 02:51 AM
greenimp "SPOILER ALERT, your unemployment check is going to be SMALLER than your paycheck was"
fantastic :D another masterpiece from max
Aug 13th, 2008 01:41 AM
Jaimas The sad part is that this is a joke article, it's 100% accurate as far as the bridge-burning is concerned. The bridges behind you aren't burnt by you, they're burnt by the dickheads you used to work for. The least you can do in return is set fire to the woods, building and surrounding environment.

I don't mean literally. I mean, if you're going out, and you know it, make it a show. If you can damage their business afterwards, so much the better.
Aug 13th, 2008 12:41 AM
Terrible-D If only you had shared these bits of wisdom with us 3 years ago Max. It might have made being laid off at 22 a bit easier to handle(I forgot to copy and paste my name into the sample resume, resulting in some very unconvincing "Mrs. Doubtfire" moments).
Aug 12th, 2008 04:10 PM
Icculus I'm glad that you wrote this, very informative. I'll have to email it to myself because there is a good chance I'm gonna get booted for ph*cking around on the internet all day and not paying enough attention to peoples expense reports.
Aug 12th, 2008 03:26 PM
RadioNinja Having gone through all of these steps recently, I applaud your honesty and candor sir! I was expecting a comedy piece but this seems as though you were following me, writing down my life, and leaving Werther's Original wrappers in flower pots as you strolled by! The one thing you forgot to mention is how much fun it is when you get to have TWO jobs to make the same income as the one that laid you off! It is certainly more fun than trying to fill all that "time off"! Keep up the good work!
Aug 12th, 2008 03:20 PM
Colonel Flagg When our division was "right-sized" out of existence, we had "transition counsellors" which is a fancy way of saying shrinks who gauge how likely we were to go to the roof with a high-powered rifle. I was in one "small group" meeting (no joke) where we were throwing around a "koosh" ball and asked about how we felt being laid-off. Yeah, that helped me find a new job. Your literary piece is about a billion times more helpful than that tripe.

The great thing about it is, though, they got paid for providing this service. I smell a career change in the future .....
Aug 12th, 2008 03:06 PM
Dimnos You should just start being a motivational speaker Max. Travel the country, tell people how to live there lives because you know how to better than they do even though you know nothing about them.
Aug 12th, 2008 01:37 PM
Miroslav208 I always feel that I get the best advice from Max Burbank. Now I feel I can take on being terminated from my job with style.
Aug 12th, 2008 11:54 AM
Fathom Zero I want to give you a hug, Max. You're fantastic.
Aug 12th, 2008 11:00 AM
So You Got Laid Off

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