So You Got Laid Off
by: Max Burbank
Say, Sport! Why the sour puss? Oh, no! You got laid off?
Well, you and about six million other Janes and Joes, Chucko, so turn that frown upside down, pack up your troubles in the 'ol kit bag, straighten up, fly right, and read these...
TIPS FOR THE TERMINATED!
That's the new family friendly way I'm going to be saying 'FUCK' and all other related forms of the 'F' word from now on!
Unless you work at the food court, you're going to cry like a baby woman (No offense, gals!]. I know it, you know it, the American people know it. The only real question is, how long can you hold it in and who will you weep in front of? A lot of people are going to tell you to 'take it like a man' (even you gals!), so you don't 'burn any bridges'. To which I say, 'Ph*ck that noise!' Go ahead and cry! Getting laid off is sad! And you know who isn't as sad as you? The person laying you off! This is your chance to make them feel as bad as you can, and unless you're willing to really commit to a super big display a few weeks later involving liquor, lots of guns and you dying at the end, this is your very last chance!
Take it from me, no matter what anyone tells you, YOU'RE BRIDGES HAVE ALREADY BEEN BURNED! That's right, 'The Man' has torched them to ashes, and no amount of smiling through your tears will be seen as anything but groveling, which is just what it is. They aren't going to give you your job back; they aren't going to hire you into a new position, and that letter of recommendation? THEY AREN'T GOING TO WRITE IT! In today's modern now a go-go world of the future, the recommendation letter has been replaced by something a tad more formal. The confirmation of employment dates from a Human Resources secretarial temp. Why? Because a lawyer who still has a job told your boss who also still has a job that's the thing to do. Is that a little harsh? You bet a big bag of 'Ph*uck' it is.
FILE FOR UNEMPLOYMENT
You should head for the nearest unemployment office, excuse me, 'career center', as soon as the security guard lets go of your elbow. Go ahead; take your sad little cardboard box of personal belongings with you. You can lighten your load by giving your pen and pencil set, inspirational calendar, left over business cards and pictures of your family to various homeless people on the way there. Don't go home and hide under the table with your dog. You need to file RIGHT AWAY because the department of unemployment needs as much lead time as possible to screw your claim up so badly it would take a team of highly skilled unscrewers to unscrew it! And now that you are unemployed and your unemployment checks are all screwed up, unscrewers are just one of the many, many things you can no longer afford.
GO HOME AND HIDE UNDER THE TABLE WITH YOUR DOG
Now you can go home and hide under the table with your dog who will give you the unconditional canine love your spouse and kids will be too terrified by your new employment status to fake. If you don't have a dog, you should have bought one back when you could still afford it.
"Looking for a job is a full time job!" is a phrase you are going to get very sick of very soon. Don't listen to it! IF you get a job before your unemployment runs out (and look at yourself, that's a pretty big IF), you'll be back in the rat race with no vacation time built up. Unless you're lucky and get a non-debilitating injury just bad enough to climb aboard that sweet, sweet, Streetcar Named Disability, this is the very last time in your life your old Uncle Sam is going to pony up for you to get some rest. And believe you me, you'll need it for when you do start job-hunting, which is some 'Ph*cking' serious shit, a word I have not yet sworn off writing. Here's a list of thing you'll need to get some quality relaxing done.
• A television that takes earphones
• A comfy chair
• A comfy bathrobe
• Ratty ass P.J.s
• Ratty ass slippers
• A vast amount of the liquor of your choice
• Cough syrup
• Heroin (optional, and only if you had a really good job, because SPOILER ALERT, your unemployment check is going to be SMALLER than your paycheck was)
• Ladies of the Evening (optional for pretty much the same reasons as the Heroin, also your Spouse and kids are NOT prostitute friendly)
• Fresh water
• Enough Razor wire to make a good perimeter
• Super bouncy Moon Boots with springs on the bottom to get over your perimeter without ripping you shins to 'Ph*ck' whenever you have to do your business, unless you opt for a-
• Matching catheter and Chamber Pot set
• Guns and ammo
• Horse blinders so all you can see is your TV
• A baseball bat in case anyone gets through your perimeter and stands between you and your TV
• A helper monkey, preferably named 'Cletus'
Okay, sooner or later, me time is over. If you ever want to go on unemployment again, you're going to need a job. First things first; you'll need-
Lots of sample resumes can be found on the Internet, which if you don't have your Library and unemployment office, excuse me 'Career Center' do. Print them all out and start mailing them to employers, because A.) Each and every one of these sample resumes is way better than yours, and B.) Nobody pays any attention to these things anymore. There's only one thing that's going to get you hired, and that comes later in the INTERVIEW section. IMPORTANT NOTE: Cut and paste your name into the sample resumes before sending them out. Either that, or be prepared to dress as a lady about half the time you interview (No offense, Gals!)
INTERNET JOB SEARCH TOOLS
Monster.com, linkedin.com, and Russianmailorderbrides.com are some pretty good sights, especially if you are an attractive unemployed Russian Woman. Most of these places will let you post the sample resume you downloaded, and they're a good place to look for sample resumes as well, so it's one stop shopping. Then every day you'll find an inbox full of job listings that are sometimes marginally related to things you can do, if you're really lucky. IMPORTANT NOTE: Any site with the word 'wet' in it is NOT a job search tool. Unless you are looking for a job in the sex trade, in which case, I beg your pardon.
NEWSPAPER WANT ADS
Ha ha ha. Ha HUH ha ha ha. Excuse me. This quaint relic of the past is... wait; you can't afford a paper anyway now that your unemployment has run out because you spent too much time relaxing. I should have told you that relaxing was time limited. Sorry. My bad.
DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT
This step is critical, because it allows you to max out your credit cards and be humiliated by how much weight you've gained since the last time you bought nice clothes. Those may both seem like bad thing, but the fact is, they are. And there are a lot more bad things coming, so why not get used to it in a clothing store, where the multi sided mirrors can make multiple images of you crying in public because you're fat and broke.
GO COMPLETELY MENTAL
This is not so much as a step as something that is going to happen to you whether you like it or not. Sorry. You might want to have your spouse hide all the breakables and sharps. I probably should have told you earlier.
HIT THE PAVEMENT
Try to get out of the house at least once a day. It's good exercise, it keeps you away from your progressively traumatized spouse and kids and it's a great way to pretend you're looking for a job. IMPORTANT NOTE: The early bird gets a spot on a park bench before they are all taken up by other pre-hobos like you.
Let's say for the sake of argument, some employer got the sample resume you sent in and has called you to set up a time for an interview. Sure, it's an unlikely hypothetical, but if this article is too short, I don't get paid, and I'm out of work. Remember when I said back in the resume section that only one thing counted in landing a new job? Well, this is it. The Interview. Put on the nice new clothes you got. IMPORTANT NOTE: No eating or drinking before the interview. You might spill something on your new clothes, and also, sad jobless folks like you don't deserve to eat and drink. Get to your interview early! This is really, really important, because the person interviewing you is going to make you wait a long time to show you who has the power and nothing prepares you for a job interview more than sitting still for about an hour. I'm kidding, that's actually the worst way to prepare for a job interview, but if you show up on time, your interviewer will have already gone home. That's a promise. IMPORTANT NOTE: Bring absorbent hankies! Nothing kills an interview like lots and lots of visible sweat. The only way to know how much you're going to sweat during your job interview is to run a marathon wearing one of those racially offensive rubber sumo suits. Think not? Call me after your first job interview. MOST IMPORTANT NOTE OF ALL: You have one and only one objective in your job interview. You must come off as a person who will not come back and kill a lot of people if they get laid off. Trust me, this is the only qualification Human Resource professionals are looking for. Nail that puppy and you can be the CEO of a big ass, soulless corporate behemoth. And you know what your very first job duty will be?
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