Protoclown, ya gotta be more optimistic!
And there is a way to amputate the other hand (I'd love to see this get turned into a mini-mock.. I'm such an evil bastard.)
What you do is, you go to Shop Class. Now for those of you like me who have long since graduated, don't worry, this will still apply to you because do you think you're going to get arrested for trespassing if you go to amputate your own hands? I think not! A friendly lifelong stay to the Psych Ward is more what I see in the cards)
Once you get into said Shop Class, you instantly start to look for the table with the circular saw on it, the one that is always on (I believe it has a FOOT switch)
Stick one hand into the saw, repeat with other hand, arrange for the arresting officers to dial 911, and you're all set.
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