Features

Insane Monkey · #1

I remember around three or four years ago, when I didn't live in a town devoid of people whose IQ's are above a shovel, it was a rather nice day out. The sun was out, it was 40 degrees, and, of course, my mom and I spent the day getting my bratty big sister her computer, Xbox, TV, etc. Well, the lines were long, and I was nearly rolled into the ER for severe head trauma (Damn those cheap, 20 pound pinatas...), but we managed to get everything. Then some old woman comes limping out of the crowd, asking poeple to get her a shopping cart. Being the generous person I am, I dodged the shopping carts and the screaming childern, and I managed to get the VERY LAST CART. Some bastard nearly took it, but I got it before him! Well, this time, I wouldn't dodge; I would run over anyone who got in my way. 30 minutes later... Well, things didn't exactly turn out as I originally planned.. After being pushed, shoved, mugged, run over, and possibly had another near-death experience, I made it back to the old woman, giving her the shopping cart. The look on her face is what got me the most. She looked like as if she won the lottery AND a mansion. Thanking me, she ran into the chaotic crowd that was people duking it out for a bunch of crappy toys (I think I even saw someone take out a crowbar, but that could've just been my concussion from the pinata). Anyway, when we got home, there was my sister, bitching about some plasma 48" screen TV she just HAD to have. My mother and I BOTH wanted to kill her at that moment.

Well, that's my incredibly long and boring Christmas story. Now tell your story! What was the most interesting Christmas/Chanukah (sorry if it's not spelled right.)/Kwanza story you have?

CaptainBubba · #2

I went to a funeral and cried alot because I had never seen a real dead person up close before.

CaptainBubba · #3

Also nice story it was really funny how all that lol cr5azy stuff kept happening I cant believe all that funny shit happened! And you tied it up real good at the end too well done Mr.Funny! Hey can a moderator give this guy the title "Mr.Funny!" He deserves it.

CaptainBubba · #4

You should write articles for a humor website or something. Maybe like The Onion or some site like that with funny articles. I mean hahaha the pinata bit. hahaha oh man I wrote it down and told it to this guy at a party and he promoted me for it to senior management! lol classic.

You're a swell guy

Jeff The Ninja · #5

Ok, I gotta warn you, the story you are about to read is true. Every word I say is not exagerated or made up. And it is Very Screwed up.

Well, It was christmas morning. The tips of the trees were covered with the frost that lingers on the tips of trees. I was about eight years old and was expecting to get a lot of presents that year. So I got up and ran down the stairs before anybody else got there. It was silent, it was calm, it was 5:47 am. So I turned on the Television and started watching the samurai Pizza Cats as I waited for my Older Brother Chris, Older Sister Jen, My mom and "Step Dad" who we always called Martin.

At 6:30, The rest of the family got up and my mom told me to turn off the TV because it was impolite and we had to wait for Martin to get up. Well we waited in silence, What was there to say. Me and my hyperactive self were Rocking back in the chair staring at the Assorted Elvis Pressly Christmas Ornaments when it, the seemingly sick humor of God reared its ugly head.

See, Every morning, Martin would take a Shower. We thought it to be nothing unusual. But what happened horrified our family to no end and officially Killed christmas. If the Grinch Couldnt Ruin christmas for Whoville, this wouldve sent them into such a deep holiday depression that they would all commit suicide at the mention of chestnuts.

So My family was sitting down in silence when Martin, instead of putting some pants on, decided to surprise my mom in the living room with his "lil elf". With the View he was given, he could only see the back of my moms head through the doorway. He decided to strike. He took us by surprise as he jumped through the door way and completely disregarding any shread of common decency, threw open his towel with a loud "WHHHHHAAAAAA" and gave my whole family a Shot of the "lil Elf".

Now let me tell you about martin, he is a 300 LB man with a Robin Williams level of body hair. He was smiling.

He left the room after 30 seconds and we heard him laughing as he dressed. The family still in silence as we realised what we had just seen. My brother broke the silence by singing Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. He got slapped in the back of the head by my mom and when Martin got back we opened our presents. To this day, i cannot turn on my SEGA Genesis without going into a state of shock Followed by convulsions.

Toys go away, but mental Scarring lasts a lifetime (unless you have amnesia).

Marc Summers · #6

Every Christmas Eve I'd go to my Grandparents' house. I was about 7 or 8. They'd always give my brother and I like some small little gift...but there was this one year where they went all out and made up a little game.

When my segment of the family walked in, the ENTIRE interior of the house was strung with yarn (think of the movie Arachnophobia). They have a two story house, so it was really impressive. My cousins were there too, and we were each given an end of a piece of yarn and had to wind it up until we reached the other end where the present was. So I followed mine, I had a little trouble getting untangled from the antlers of this fake mounted moose head, but I continued on. I went up and down stairs, through 2 bedrooms, and saw that it went into a bathroom, but not out.

"OK, they wouldn't put it in the toilet..." I thought. But it was. And there was piss in it. So I ran to my Dad and showed him where it was, and he got angry at my Grandparents for doing that. It turns they had put it between the two lids, but it must have fallen in while I was winding the yarn up, and they for some reason DID NOT THINK TO FLUSH

I never touched my electronic handheld battleship game with ungloved hands

GADZOOKS · #7

Ok, I gotta warn you, the story you are about to read is true. Every word I say is not exagerated or made up. And it is Very Screwed up.

I saw mommy kissing San-ta Claus.

Juttin · #8

blah blah blah...true story..........etc.etc..........

Last christmas,all I got was $20 and 3 generic hot topic shirts....and my mom was being all lazy and sleeping and crap.
And it SUCKED,very much so.