The start of my vampire saga

[Johnny Couth]

I rewrote the first couple paragraphs for you, to show how I think something like this should be written.

" The night is dark and lifeless, the video store at the corner of hawthorne and mechanic, normaly brimming with life and warm discussion was baren and empty, anyone that had plans to watch a movie tonight had already picked one out. The clerk, a young, poorly shaven man, glances at the clock impatiently. 10:30, another half an hour until the stores closes. The bells hanging over the entrance ring loudly as the door swings open.
"Can I help you?" The clerk asks, his voice gruff with frustration. He didn't want to be here, he wanted to be in bed watching his own movies. "No thanks, I got it covered." The intruder spoke with a thick cockney accent, the kind you'd hear in a Monty Python movie. The clerk had never liked Monty Python."