The start of my vampire saga

[Emu]

"Good Evening, miss" He started. She looked up at him, fully showing her face.

"Saw II is in the new releases". She tiredly uttered, then went back to work.

I'm going to assume you've never taken a fiction writing class and don't know how to do dialogue. That's coo g we can work through it

"Good evening, miss," he started.

Notice how I did it. Evening is not capitalized. There's a comma after miss, not a period, and "he started" is not capitalized as it is still part of the same sentence, regardless of the quotation marks. Also, "She looked up at him, fully showing her face" should be a new line, while the lady's dialogue should conjoin with that line. Observe:

"Good evening, miss," he starts. [<-- TENSE, DAMNIT, TENSE]
She looks up at him, fully showing her face. "Saw II is in the new releases," she tiredly utters before returning to her work.

Now, here, I don't know if you did this on purpose, but I don't think anyone could be so tired that their first response to "good evening" would be "Saw II is etc etc." Though I do like that you mentioned a contemporary movie by name, that's good. You should lead into it, though, like this.

   "Good evening, miss," he starts.
   The girl looks up at him, fully showing her face. She squints through the sleep in her eyes, trying to focus on his face. "Hello, sir," she says with a yawn. "Is there anything I can help you with?
   Damien takes a quick look up and down the horror shelves, a thoughtful look on his face. "What would you reccommend?"
   She pauses for a moment and looks thoughtful. "Saw II is in the new releases," she tiredly utters before returning to her work.

That sounds a little more realistic, don't you think? I think so.

Fuck, I wish I could indent in a quote box.