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Badgers ate my FaCe Badgers ate my FaCe is offline
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 03:18 AM        Honest opinions needed
Hello forum folks,

Long time lurker, new poster.

I don't know why I am using this as a podium for my problem, the only thing I can think of is that since I am relatively new to posting here, the opinions will be based on my story, rather than a personal feeling towards me, which is what I am looking for here. Unbiased opinion. Sooooo, here goes:

I am 31, married for 9 years. My wife and I have two children that are not mine, but I have raised as my own due to fatherly abandonment.

To say our marriage has been rocky would be an understatement. We have separated 3 times in that time span, but each time we have figured out a way to work it out, or so it seemed. Neither of us have ever cheated or physically abused the other, so the trust is not an issue. Whenever she would tell me she wanted a divorce, I would cajole my way back into it, and we would promise each other that this time would be different, we would work on our issues, do X Y and Z, and get things back on track. Things would move along swimmingly until the next major issue.

What were the issues, you might ask? Well, honestly, in the first few years of marriage, I was a lazy sack of shit. I never helped around the house, I didn't work for a while, and generally was a, well, dickhead. While I love her and have always loved and respected her, I treated her like shit. I was always jealous of her going out, god forbid she drink and meet some guy. I had a lot of security issues, and I still do, but not as vile as I used to be. I thought she was fucking every guy she came into contact with, and again, while I never physically hurt her, the emotional damage I inflicted plays a part.

Truthfully? That's it. For her part, her major issue was that she is not a communicator. She puts on a happy face, while inside she seethes and stews until it is too late, and then lets it out and expects me to understand things that she only knows in her head, because she didn't say anything about it until she was at the edge, all the while putting on a happy face.

I know that doesn't delve into the entire pie, but it's the crux of the entire situation, that's all there is to it.

In the ensuing years, this situation would play itself out every so often, but we always came back because we loved each other. We always worked it out, no matter how angry or severe our feelings were. In this time, I have tried to better myself and the way I treat her, and I think I've done a good job. I thought she was getting the vibe, but apparently I was very very wrong.

Which leads us to the present:

Approximately one month ago, for christmas, I took the kids and went on vacation while the wife stayed behind to work. When I arrived home, I was greeted with a bomb: The kids' father had contacted her after 8 years and wanted to make amends and be back in the kids' life. This news, immediately after arriving home, did not sit well with me, only because of the fact that he was absent for 8 years and NOW wanted to get involved. How convienent. Well, I didn't protest. I went along with her decision to let the children (Who are 12 and 10 by the way) make the decision to see him, which they wanted to.

After the first two times they hung out, she decided to tell me she wanted a divorce, and this time, it was for real. She has been unhappy for a long time (While, might I mention, she treated me as if nothing has been wrong, for the most part), and just wants to not be married anymore, to me or anyone. Since she dropped that bombshell, she has been spending a lot of time with him, texting, calling, etc, but insists that until we are divorced, nothing is happening between them, not even a hug. They just get together and talk and reminisce about the old days. To her credit, she has never lied to me, not that I know of.

About two weeks ago, we had a fight, adn she told me she was not going to come home that night, which was fine with me. I told her that was fine, but to please call me when she got where she was going, and she told me she'd be home first thing the next morning. Well, when I woke up at 11:30AM, she was nowhere to be found. On a hunch, I decided to take a ride over to her ex's parents' house (where he is staying pending HIS divorce from his wife), and who's car was outside? Hers. I decided to place a call to her, but got no answer for 2 hours after that. Finally, she calls and tells me where she was, and then tells me that nothing happened, the kids were there, and why would I think anything happened? She did admit that what she did, while not inherently WRONG, wasn't cool and that she wouldn't do it again.

Yes, I know going there was a bit messed up, but I never made my presence known.

Since that day, things have been semi-decent, but with spates of rocky road, mostly when it comes to him. I have been trying to just be nice, be a good husband, and nothing is working. We have been civil and even happy with one another, but anytime the happiness gets too good, it seems, she has to remind me that nothing is changing her mind and that THIS time is it, which frustrated the fuck outta me because I don't want this. I don't control her, I don't tell her what she can and can't do, but this bugs me. We end up fighting, we yell and scream, but then something makes us not want to leave one another. She was supposed to have moved out about 3 weeks ago, but hasn't made one move to do so, and that is bugging me. Not because I want her to leave, but I personally think we need to separate to start healing. I do want to mention that she has a few palces she can go, while I have none, because I live where she is from and not my hometown. She is ok with that. The reason we haven't left, mainly, is because we are stuck in a lease on a rental until July, and our landlord is a cocksucker, and won't let us out of it.

I don;t know what to do at this point. There is a lot I've left out, so if anything isn't clear, please ask, there may be a lot to explain to better clarify this. I am so hurt and confused right now that I don't know where to turn, because I don't have any impartial sources to turn to to vent. I am really lost and hurting. I am not suicidal, but I feel very hopeless at the moment and don't know what to say or do to make things better anymore. I want to let go, but it's hard, because other than what I said, nothing else is a problem for us, besides the usual married couple crap.

This is where you guys come in:

I'm just looking to make heads or tails of this, and I would like honest opinion on this. I figured since there was a forum for it here, it might be a good resource for me, since I have nowhere to turn. I am sorry if this rambled, but that's the speed my mind is working at during this crisis, and I don't know what else to say.

Please, help me figure this out. Any and all opinion is welcome, pro or con, good or bad, I just want the straight dope.

I'm sure if there is interest in this, more will be revealed and made clearer, so if you have any advice ot anything, please help.

How fuckin' depressing, whining about my wife on a comedy site. Gotta love it! =)
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Dr. Boogie Dr. Boogie is offline
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 12:05 PM       
You say that you've treated your wife like shit for a long while, and yet you wonder why she's not communicating with you? Do you really have no idea why she might not want to talk to you?

Moreover, it sounds like she's been keeping these feelings of resentment bottled up for some time now. The two of you could try counseling, I suppose, but it sounds like she wants to move on, and frankly, I wonder if that would be such a bad thing for either of you.

Just let her go, man. If you do it gracefully, you can still be friends, and you can still visit the kids. I would think they'd be closer to you than their biological father anyway. So just move on, and try not to treat the next woman you love like garbage.
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 01:02 PM       
Badgers ate my FaCe, get a divorce. Sorry dude. ;(
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Badgers ate my FaCe Badgers ate my FaCe is offline
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 01:28 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Boogie View Post
You say that you've treated your wife like shit for a long while, and yet you wonder why she's not communicating with you? Do you really have no idea why she might not want to talk to you?

Moreover, it sounds like she's been keeping these feelings of resentment bottled up for some time now. The two of you could try counseling, I suppose, but it sounds like she wants to move on, and frankly, I wonder if that would be such a bad thing for either of you.

Just let her go, man. If you do it gracefully, you can still be friends, and you can still visit the kids. I would think they'd be closer to you than their biological father anyway. So just move on, and try not to treat the next woman you love like garbage.
No, you're right. I do want to clarify, however, that the bad treatment was more akin to jealousy than anything else. My previous relationship was a 7 year hellhole with a high school "sweetheart" who basically ran ME through the ringer, lied to me, treated me like crap, etc. And, honestly, to some extent, I still harbor those feelings of jealousy, but to a very minute degree these days, but even that is not good. I also want to note that this was in the early days of the marriage, and these days, for at least the past 4-5 years, I haven't been anywhere near the level of douchebaggery that I was, but I know the damage has been done. That's what hurts the most.

As far as the lack of communication, she was never one to talk about her feelings, even way before she met me. The funny thing is, she did what she is doing now TO her ex, way back before we ever met. She never told him what he was doing until it was too late, but he's not like me, he gave up just like that. Maybe he did it the right way, as she is now taking a shine to him these days after 8 years. I'm not one to let things go easily, especially something I care deeply for, and yes, I do admit my wrongdoings, but I still love her very much and will try until we sign the papers to right my wrongs. It's just not seeming possible anymore. I used to be able to, but now she has the wall up and it doesn't appear anything will bring it down.

I even tried to arrange marriage counseling for the two of us, but after the first appointment, she stated that since she wasn't going to change her mind, that it wouldn't be worth it to go. That's something that really hurt, because even though we both talk a good game, we never actually tried it, and now it's too late.

Thanks for your insight, though. I've learned a lot over the past month, and I know that I need to work on myself before any other relationships can be worked out. Maybe time apart will help us, but even that, I don't know if it will be able to save us. She's a great woman, believe me, I have nothing bad to say about her. Thanks again.
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 01:36 PM       
How long did you know each other & then were together before you got married? Because you still had emotional hangups from a previous relationship having got married?

Also, if you divorce her, she can get the space she feels she wants, and if you remain in her life then she may decide she wants to continue her relationship with you (after getting back with her ex for a while).
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Badgers ate my FaCe Badgers ate my FaCe is offline
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 02:04 PM       
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How long did you know each other & then were together before you got married? Because you still had emotional hangups from a previous relationship having got married?

Also, if you divorce her, she can get the space she feels she wants, and if you remain in her life then she may decide she wants to continue her relationship with you (after getting back with her ex for a while).
Honestly, without laughing at me, we knew each other for approximately 5 months before we got married. Quick background on that (before you think I am completely nuts):

I was in the military at the time, and had been away from my previous ex for about a year and a half. When I met my wife, there was something about her that wasn't like all of the other previous aborted relationships I had experienced. I felt comfortable when I first met her, and she was (And still is, might I add) the sweetest, most beautiful person I had ever met. She had this innocence about her, even though she had been through a lot. She did not have an easy childhood, as her father was an alcoholic, her mother still is, she has 4 sisters all from different fathers, and she was generally abused mentally. I felt a connection with her when we started seeing each other seriously. We didn't feel that dating, or engaging (Which we did anyhow) was a necessary step, because we both had that connection. So we decided to get married because we felt that our relationship could make it. Doesn't everyone? =)

I also want to note that *I* came from a long line of successful (So to speak) marriages. My parents have been married for 36 years, my grandparents would still be married had my grandmother not passed 13 years ago, and they were at 43 years when that happened. Hell, my best friend's parents have been married almost 40 years. Divorce wasn't a big family thing, sure, my mom's sisters both got divorces (And one subsequently married 3 times and almost a 4th), but that was it. Everyone else stuck it out and worked through whatever. That is where my philosophy evolved from. Hers? Divorce, men suck. That she even married me was a huge step for her, because she always talked about not doing it and how she abhorred the idea. By no means did either of us enter it lightly, but we had that connection. All the marriages SHE had seen had ended in divorce.

Why am I holding on so tightly? That's the question I keep asking myself. My gut tells me it's because I truly believe that while she is mad about the past, and at the moment isn't feeling too good-willed towards me, she will come around and realize that I do love her and really DO want to make this work, despite all the years of shit we have put each other through. Believe me, I want to be like every other guy out there who just shrugs it off and moves on with their lives, that would make me feel SO much better, you know? But for some fucking reason, I can't. I can't let her go, although of course I know I will eventually have to if that's what the situation warrants.

So as far as your space comment is concerned, I agree 100%. When we finally do separate (where either she moves or I move), I know that is when the healing process will begin for both of us. I told her that when it happens, I will need the time to sort out my feelings and I wouldn't be talking to her for a bit. But to me, I know I'll have it in the corner of my mind to give her a call. That drives me up a wall. The kids, of course, I will still see, they will never be put in the middle of this intentionally, or used as leverage. But as far as she is concerned, it will be "over" for a spell. As far as the ex for her is concerned, she has insisted that nothing is happening with them, that they are just reconnecting as friends, and I have nothing to worry about, so since she h as given me no reason not to trust her, I trust her! Once we are divorced, she can do what she wants.
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 02:23 PM       
I am glad my vast knowledge & understanding of relationship mechanics helped to solve your problem.

Next I will end world hunger & invent time travel!
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Badgers ate my FaCe Badgers ate my FaCe is offline
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Old Feb 12th, 2008, 03:05 PM       
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I am glad my vast knowledge & understanding of relationship mechanics helped to solve your problem.

Next I will end world hunger & invent time travel!


No, I really do appreciate the opinions there. It's stuff that I've been mulling over but not quite ready to accept. I know the road to healing this is long and arduous, but I was (and still am, if anyone else out there has insight as well) looking for exactly what you and the good Doc over there have provided. I truly believe there is a chance for us, all I can do is continue to improve myself and that will help things take care of themselves.
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Old Feb 13th, 2008, 09:19 PM       
The more you try to hold on to someone who isn't happy with you, the more you're both going to hurt.
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Old Feb 13th, 2008, 09:35 PM       
Just part ways. It's easier when the kids aren't yours. No custody battles of that sort. Unless, you want to see those kids and they want to see you. Since they aren't yours, you'd be in quite a pickle. I sincerely hope you're not in that situation.
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Old Feb 14th, 2008, 12:35 PM       
I don't really think too many people on this forum can give you valid advice. CIG and Burbank and maybe a few others. Keep in mind a lot of the comments you're getting are from kids who have BIG PLANS for the way their first relationship is going to turn out.

That said, I don't know what to say, either. My longest failed relationship lasted about 3 months, and the girl would promise me all sorts of things and say she wasn't cheating and blah blah but the thing that ended us is some hick from back in her life wanted to hook up again and if she didn't start dating him right away she'd 'NEVER KNOW' if something could have worked. Then she broke up with him two months later because she 'WASN'T OVER ME', and so on and so on. She has a venereal disease, a kid, and a divorce now, btw btw.

Doesn't your wife and yourself have to meet with someone and agree that a divorce is the best option to even have one? If she's not willing to even talk this one out, it's probably because she has another romantic outlet. And if she sleeps over at her ex's house, you've got to be a real rube if you don't think they were plugging away in there.

I know that doesn't help, but I thought you deserved a reply!
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Cosmo Electrolux Cosmo Electrolux is offline
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Old Feb 14th, 2008, 02:37 PM       
What Chojin said.....
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Old Feb 14th, 2008, 06:38 PM       
I've been married since 1995 and should be divorced, but we are just separated right now. Been separated for over 2 years and I just started a serious relationship with someone. I don't plan on getting married again and my wife and I are friends but don't talk to each other because we have now grown way apart.

As for advice, I think you don't need any. It seems like you know exactly whats going on and you will base what you are going to do on what you think is best and not what other people say.

That being said... I think you just want to hear some stories from others who have gone through this, not opinions really. Having been through this, I wouldn't give you my opinion anyways, because I know it is something you have to figure out on your own. There is too much that you haven't told us and that we will never know. It's the little things that are in the back of your mind that make you - you and her - her. The little things are what are driving you crazy because you still want this to work even though you know it should end.

I think you'll do what is best for the both of you, even if it takes a fucking long time for you to do it.
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Old Feb 14th, 2008, 08:57 PM       
The best course of action in all relationships when forced into the subordinate "dumpee" position is to behave as pathetically as possible, with as much begging, promises, and crying as you can physically and emotionally muster so that when the eventual break does happen (and oh it will) you can look back with complete disgust at your behavior and thus the relationship.

Also you must have secks with someone deeply involved in the entire affair so that they cannot ever escape your haunting image though they may try.
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Old Feb 16th, 2008, 06:11 PM       
You need to take the kids and race across four states with them, get on national TV and go down in a hail of gunfire!
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Old Feb 18th, 2008, 01:56 PM       
BAMF, I hope I'm not too late to offer my opinion. But first a question - did you adopt the children or are you solely raising them as their "father figure"?

I've been married for 18+ years, so I think I have some insight, although it may not be entirely useful. It sounds as if there are, unfortunately, some issues that separation may not entirely fix, and by the tone of your posts, you are prepared, at least as much as anyone can be, for the worst.

Your point about acting irrationally that one evening - well, let's just call it a mulligan and leave it at that. Everyone goes crazy at one time or another. No big whoop. Just don't do it again - that could become most uncomfortable if you are caught, and that's the last thing you need.

All that aside, I'm impressed that you're keeping a rational, even-keeled and intelligent approach to what must be an extremely painful period in your life. Keep the faith and good luck.
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Old Feb 18th, 2008, 07:26 PM       
I'm a child of a broken home. Several broken homes, really. And it feels like shit when parents bicker over who gets to take them to the movie theater or out to dinner. It really fucking sucks.
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Cosmo Electrolux Cosmo Electrolux is offline
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Old Feb 19th, 2008, 08:13 AM       
I gues the thing that eludes me is why anyone in their right mind would post this kind of dribble on a comedy websites forum and expect honest answers?
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Dr. Boogie Dr. Boogie is offline
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Old Feb 19th, 2008, 11:43 AM       
Hey, I told him to leave his wife first. That pub character is just following in my footsteps.
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Old Feb 19th, 2008, 01:10 PM       
Yeah, but I have you on my ignore list, Boogie.

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kids who have BIG PLANS for the way their first relationship is going to turn out.
I have high hopes.
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Old Feb 19th, 2008, 03:00 PM       
i don't :grouch
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Old Feb 29th, 2008, 10:23 AM       
The only advice I can give is drive. Drive like the demon that drives your dreams.
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