Favorite Bible LULZ

[Sethomas]

2 Kings 2:23-25

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria.

Luke 11:11-13
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"


I think that this passage was put in just to test if people are paying attention during Mass, since the mental image of a father keeping scorpions around and giving one to his kids as a joke is just too precious to not laugh at.


Matthew 22:8-14 (Parable of the Wedding Banquet)
"Then he said to his servants, 'The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.' So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, both good and bad, and the wedding hall was filled with guests.
"But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. 'Friend,' he asked, 'how did you get in here without wedding clothes?' The man was speechless.
"Then the king told the attendants, 'Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'
"For many are invited, but few are chosen."


This parable occurs elsewhere in the Synoptic Gospels, but the additional "Send the underdressed asshole to hell to burn forever!" line was added to reflect the social climate of the Matthew audience.

[T-Rex]

Favourite Theory Of Evolution LULZ:



This is your Great Grandma.

[Sethomas]

Nah, my favorite Theory of Evolution lulz was that Darwin was spurred to realize the relationship between heredity and evolutionary viability by his daughter's death, since her mother was his cousin.

[T-Rex]

Was her mother really his cousin? That's pretty interesting to hear after reading something from Angry Patriotic Bastards website.

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"The results are in! Middle Easterners really are nuts! (1/7/04)

So the other day I was relaxing on the throne, purging waste and shuffling through the old magazines that lay in a pile by the toilet.

Seeking a little intellectual self-improvement, I picked up an old Discover magazine and flipped through it.

Within its pages I stumbled across something that both horrified and intrigued me. It was an article on human inbreeding—incest, to use a more accurate term.

The content of the article was a bit esoteric, dealing with the genetic repercussions of getting down and dirty with a family member, but what really got my attention was a color coded map of the world, showing relative intensities of incest in different geographical areas.

The U.S., Canada, Europe and Australia, for example, were all yellow, meaning that less than one percent of marriages in these areas were between second cousins or more closely related individuals. South America, China and other questionable locations were pink, meaning between one and ten percent of the marriages were the result of sketchy cousin-cousin or brother-sister pairs.

Yech! But guess what? Iraq, Iran, Pakistan and all those other chickenshit countries that are always giving us trouble were green, meaning that they received the dubious distinction of having the highest rates of incest—at least twenty percent and occasionally upwards of fifty.

Are you fucking kidding me?! No wonder those jackasses are big fans of religious self-mutilation, dictatorships and suicidal behavior.

The idea of driving a truck full of explosives into an embassy suddenly becomes a little more understandable when you take into account this statistic.

And imagine a wedding over there. How do you know whether to sit on the bride or groom’s side if you are related to both? Sheesh.



Yay! Between the four of us we are short 11 chromosomes! Yay!

So to all you West Coast, liberal meat-pockets and you touchy feely NY coffee shop patrons who all insist that everyone is equal and we all deserve the same amount of respect, maybe you are right that we all started off that way, but I’ll be damned if we are now.

In my book, Middle Eastern cultures forfeited any claims of equality about twenty generations ago when they decided to start and continue this cousin-fucking trend. If they want to be treated with respect, they will have to pull their cocks out of their sisters’ cunts before I will show them any.

For any of you who doubt these statistics or would like to see the info yourself, check out the August, 2003 edition of Discover. But have a wastebasket or bowl handy because what you find is going to make you want to vomit."

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I think Darwin has some 'splainin' to do.

[Pub Lover]

LULZ, Seth? You're truely going to use that term? Fuck the world, I want to get off.

[Fat_Hippo]

I always thought the part where God tells some people to make him a sacrifice, and then yells "thou shalt not kill!" at them when they want to kill a sheep was kinda funny. At least, that's how I remember it. Basically, it's just one of the many parts where you see what an ass God really is.

[MetalMilitia]

The part were Adam and Eve eat the apple and are punished THEN given the ability to tell right from wrong.

(at least that's more-or-less how I remember the story going)

[Esuohlim]

Guys seriously what do you think you're all doing do you want to go to hell

I'm praying for all of you so cut it out

[Tadao]

HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

LIFE IN HELL

[Kybo Ren]

always a fan of Ezekial 23:20- but it's been toned down alot the last few decades.

and how can an all-compassionate god send people to hell? here's to Hitler in Heaven!

[MetalMilitia]

[Pub Lover]

Oh for fucks sake atheists, go shit in your own threads. Also, creationism doesn't need facts, it's all about the faith.

[MetalMilitia]

Then they shouldn't say stupid things like "The earth is 6-8 thousand years old and we can PROVE IT!".

[Pub Lover]

Agreed. They shouldn't, but then those people are idiots.

[Esuohlim]

Y'all are gonna get it when Jesus comes back

[Tadao]

Did he get his green card?

[Kybo Ren]

uh- who Didn't Jesus forgive?
if he gets pissed at anyone, I'd lean towards a certain church that restricts his teachings, overturns the ten commandments, claims to be led by god on earth, and has a pedophilia problem.

[Sethomas]

Westboro Baptist?

[Grislygus]

I seem to remember something about people who were castrated not being allowed in church, somebody help me out here

[Sethomas]

I think I know what you're talking about, and I think it's in the Book of Acts. However, here's something just as good:

Galatians 5:12
I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!

This is St. Paul being irked about the whole argument of whether or not the new Christian movement requires circumcision from Gentile converts.

[Sethomas]

Hmm, Acts 8 was apparently what I was thinking of, but it just talks about an Ethiopian legate of the Queen being baptized despite being a eunuch. Eh.

As for later Christianity, castration was pretty taboo except as a secular punishment (I have a really fun story somewhere about a 14th Century lynch mob hanging people upside-down by their scrota) until around the Baroque era when castrati became prized singers. However, as far as I know they were still allowed to participate in the sacraments, they just were forbidden to marry because of their inability to consummate.

[Asila]

I have a really fun story somewhere about a 14th Century lynch mob hanging people upside-down by their scrota

Fun? I really don't... okay yes, I want to know.

[Sethomas]

i checked my source. Apparently, it was actually in the 12th century done under the orders of Thomas de Marle during his brigandage kick. The best answer I can see for why he did it was that he felt like it.

[sloth]

angry mob wants to gangrape angels. Lot offers his daughters instead. seat in heaven officially RESERVED.

Genesis 19:1-8

And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.

And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.

But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:

And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

[Tadao]

Anyone have questions about Jehovah Witnesses? I was raised one and know an awful lot about it. Let just say upfront though that our congregation had no signs of cultism (all religion is a cult to now though) that I can detect to this day, so some of the rumors I can't confirm.