Well, what happened here?

[Schimid]

Captain's Log: Still no backup. I fear they're not coming. Under heavy and intensely desperate cries for immediate attention. Organism has duplicated, presumably to aid in the production of erotic Midna fanfiction. Daughter cell is nearly indistinguishable from original specimen, save for exceedingly thin moustache on father cell. Greasy complexion is indicative of dangerous levels of toxicity. Both respond at alarming rates in what seems to be an effort to exert dominance over the colony. More to come.