To my dear child Vincent Zebediah
Since I am an abstract concept, I am appearing to you in a form you can comprehend: a submarine letter. Or rather, a submarine post. I would normally send My trusty Metatron, but this being the general staff holiday he's unavailable, and after all the criticism directed towards the film Contact, I no longer appear in the form of one of your loved ones. Boy, did I get to hear it from Raguel after the premiere of that one. He's a good Vengeance, but sometimes he just doesn't get when a joke is worn out.
Anyhoo, it has been brought to My attention that this I-Mockery board has just been swept clean with your hiney. I would like to remind you that a good Christian will always be humble and admit his mistakes. It's in the Bible, you know. Lying will not help you in this case, neither does it seem to have helped you in the past: I browsed through the old threads to do some background research, and let Me just say pew-eeeee, the smell of hogwash blows all the way to Mount Ararat and back. I would like to refer to one of My own commandments. I'd tell you which page in the Bible it's from, but My copy is in Hebrew as well as abstract and I don't think the page number is the same in the King James version. Anyway, it goes like this: 'Thou shalt not lie.' I would also like to point out that telling people that you were given a so-called hand job by a prostitute does not give you cred points neither in heaven nor on this board. I didn't bother to read through all the board guidelines (that thing is freaking long, pardon My French), but I'm pretty sure.
Furthermore, I would like to point out that when Junior said 'Love thy neighbor' (or did I say that? It's been a couple of thousand years), he did not mean you should try to 'love' your actual neighbor Janice. This is just a way of saying that everyone is equal and that you should treat everyone with love and respect, including those now-dead Iraqi children you said you didn't care about as long as the WMDs were found. You know, those you lied about caring about when you tried to convince Proto the attack on Iraq was a good thing. And by the way, I checked with My God Vision, and the 'WMD's were just some cosmic dirt on the satellite lens. I tried to tell W about this, but he just said 'Dirt schmirt, those look a-ok to me. Say, could you give me one of those things you stand on and they drive forward? The Greecian president has one.' He should be more careful what he asks for
What I'm getting at is this: now is your chance to shape up. Admit you're a terrible Christian and get a fresh start. And when I say 'terrible Christian', I don't mean like those altar boy raping priests. Those are terrible PEOPLE. With 'terrible Christian', I mean that you suck at being one. So seize this opportunity with both hands, my child. And what's the deal with Christians having special magical willpower? Sheesh, give - me - a - break.
Your loving Father in Heaven,
God/Yaweh
Po.box 777
Heaven
PS. Please stop telling people they're going to hell. That's my job. I don't tell you how to be an inflated windbag, you don't tell me how to be the final judge.
PPS. Please tell Rog to stop praying for the Mermen to become a real-life race. I'm no Lucas, THIS is the definitive version of Creation. Plus, Mattel would sue My sorry Ass
PPPS. How many posts do you need to get those titles under your name?
PPPPS. OMG your'e avatur sux lol (Sorry, Noah said I should try to fit in. Am I 'teh secks' yet?)