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rizzo rizzo is offline
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 12:12 AM       
Wait, it gets worse! Spoiler warning, I guess:
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 12:16 AM       
I just found out that Quesada will be the "Special Guest of Honor" at Megacon.

I don't know how to link, so here's the URL:


That panel is going to be sheer chaos.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 12:39 AM       
Tetsu Deinonychus: Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind. I haven't given up on it completely, but I hear bad thing after bad thing these days about the various "major moves" the "major companies" make, this being a good example. But folks like you have given some recommendations that I may be compelled to seek out sooner or later, and with that previously mentioned cash money being scare on a college-boy budget, I appreciate hints in the right direction.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 01:00 AM       
Silly me, I thought IŽd never see anything see anything worse than that stupid clone thing (The reason I stopped reading spiderman), not to mention that I thought that amazing 400 was a great way for May to die and I hoped they would have the good sense to keep her dead.

Next thing you know Kraven will return as a crazed transsexual cyborg
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 01:33 AM       
Let us link arms and take a merry jaunt through the many wonderful things Joe Straczynski has added to the world of Spider-Man!

He had Peter grow up, develop as an adult with actual responsibilities, and make use of his super-smartness by becoming a science teacher. GONE.

He had MJ and Aunt May appear as real grown-ups, capable of insight and decisive action, rather than being tits on legs and a senile old woman for kidnapping by the villain of the week. GONE.

He gave Peter's powers much greater depth than Stan Lee's generic 'radiation did it!' origin would lead one to believe possible, delving into a supernatural world that Peter was unprepared to deal with and offered great possibilities to new adventures. GONE.

He added a few new powers to Peter's repertoire, none of which he had any particular opportunity to explore before the giant Civil War turd hit the faces of Marvel readers. Well worry not, true believers, because now those powers are GONE.

He had Peter and MJ reunite after a long separation in their marriage, and he had them do it in a very realistic manner. Each of them acted awkward and unsure around the other, old hurts plainly on their minds, trust not easily returning to their relationship. GONE.

He had Aunt May learn Peter's secret identity, and for the first time in her withered, ancient life, she didn't just spout off some stupid shit about 'that awful Spider-Man!' Like a thinking, rational person, she spent an issue talking with Peter, came to grips with new and shocking facts, and got on with her life with a new, honest relationship with Peter that wasn't nearly as one-dimensional as when she was too unobservant to notice the guy living in her house running out to fight crime every day. GONE.

But not all is lost, dear fans! Thanks to more of Quesada's invaluable editorial leadership, one sterling nugget has remained through these trying times!

Gwen Stacy still gave Norman Osborn a pity-fuck and popped out two of his kids.

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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 01:34 AM       
Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

BakaGaijin: I honestly don't remember consciously putting a "Venture Bros" reference in there. Where is it? I have no doubt that I did it, but it must have been entirely subconscious on my part. Definitely glad someone caught my "Red Meat" reference though. I couldn't resist.

Xystus: I vaguely remember hearing about that "Jackpot" thing myself, but I think I had convinced myself it must have been a horrible, eggnog induced nightmare. I guess that's not the case.

Metal Misfit: I fear you're right about the sales for "Brand New Day". Even though the response has been overwhelmingly negative, I think there are still going to be plenty of fanboys who can't tear themselves away from the character. Sure, they'll bitch about how much things suck, but they'll keep buying.

Spruce Moose: There's plenty of good shit out there, or I wouldn't be able to honestly say that I truly do love the comic industry, good and bad. Finding the quality stuff is the tricky part, and if you're just getting started, it can be a bit overwhelming to just sort of dive in feet first and hope you don't end up in a pile of crap. You need a comic geek guide to help you find your way. Keep your eyes peeled on my Comic reviews that will be popping up regularly in our new "Weeklies" section. I'll be highlighting some of my favorite books that I'd recommend to anyone, and sooner or later something in there is bound to catch your interest. (Check out Preacher, dammit!)

hobbsend: I've definitely got to agree on the "major events" front. I like following the major DC and Marvel events so I can know what's going on in each of those universes, but I'm starting to get burned out on this shit. It's starting to feel like the early 90s again, and that's not a good sign. I'm sort of interested in "Final Crisis" just because of Grant Morrison, but "Secret Invasion" can go fuck itself.

rizzo: Thanks for posting that link...I hadn't seen that yet. That bit about his secret identity was particularly insulting. "Magic!"

Rahvi: The fact that I've heard multiple people say that this is actually worse than the Clone Saga (and I don't even see how that's possible, but then, I never read it) speaks volumes about what an utter shitfest it is.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 02:58 AM       
Another awesome article, Protoclown. You never fail to impress.

I honestly thought that the Goddamned Batman was the single most insane thing I saw since Silver and Golden age comics (back when Jimmy Olsen used to randomly get superpowers, par example), trumping even the madness that was Dostoyevsky Comics. I can now officially state, with a mixture of trepidation and outright horror that even that level of insanity has been soundly trumped.

The truly disgusting part of it all, however, is that Queseda forced this up our collective asses after the sheer volume of win Straczynski chucked our way. Much like Batman Begins did for Batman, Straczynski managed to not only humanize the character of Spider-Man (difficult considering his superpowers). It wasn't always pleasant, but after the shit Spidey's been through, I'd say it was a step in the right direction.

Seriously, someone needs to burn Queseda at the stake. When's the last time we've done that? It's been too long.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 03:47 AM       
Were I not lazy, I would have a mission in life now. That mission would be to get hired at Marvel. Once there, I would bide my time, working my way up the ladder. And the very day that Quesada got kicked out on his ass, I would lock myself in the printing rooms and print out the issue of Spider-Man that I'd have prepared for the occasion.

That issue would open in Hell, presenting Mephisto upon his throne of skulls ala Spawn, a bowl of pretzels on one arm of the throne as he munched away. The second panel would show Mephisto clutching his chest with an "Urk!", before he keels over in the third panel.

Page two would show Peter and Aunt May in their living room, with May knitting or doing something suitably old while Peter plays with a ball. Next page, first panel, a sniper pops up from behind a couch like toast from a toaster, shoots May square in the gut. Peter looks up, alarmed, has some internal dialogue about his spider-sense going berzerk before noticing that his aunt just got owned. Next panel has Peter leap to his feet, calling May's name, before the last panel switches the view to directly in front of Peter, so that the reader can see that the house has burst into flames behind him.

Page four opens with the spikes shooting out of Peter's forearms with the classical 'snikt!', immediately before Mary Jane falls into his arms, literally out of nowhere, holding a pair of wedding bands in her hand.

Page five alters the perspective again, this time to a profile shot of Peter so that the reader can see the window at his side, and through the window a television reporter with her camera crew. The reporter is introduced in mid-monologue, with, "...and wrapping up this week's special report on thirty-year-old men who pathetically live at their elderly relatives' home is the worst of the bunch, Peter ParOH MY GOD, IT'S SPIDER-MAN! PETER PARKER IS SPIDER-MAN!"

Page six flashes back to Harry Osborne, who in a desperate bid to kill Spider-Man for the hundredth time has gone back in time to punch Norman Osborne in the balls as hard as he can, rendering his father infertile just moments before his 'date' with Gwen Stacy. His mission complete, Harry gets to smile and say, "I finally got you, Spider-Man. Peter would be so happy for me..." before he's hit by a runaway 80s boy band tour van and dies.

Back in the present, page seven's top panel shows an alarmed Mary Jane, looking around at all of the carnage and asking, "Peter... are you all right?" Bottom left panel shows Peter, looking down at May's body which is now in flames. Bottom right panel shows Peter looking out the window at the news crew.

Page eight is a full page-panel of Peter, a sort of hesitant half-smile on his face as he answers, "You know what? I think I am."

Page nine, another full-page, Peter swinging off to the sunset with Mary Jane.

Page ten, top left, presents Mephisto's lifeless face. Top right, same picture, but with a hazy dialogue bubble by it, MJ's quote of "We're not done yet." from her deal with Mephisto. Bottom left, the scene of MJ whispering in Mephisto's ear from One More Day iss. 4. Bottom right, same scene, a close-up on her dialogue bubble to reveal her whisper as, "I'll throw in a bag of pretzels." Fin.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 09:37 AM       
*Standing Ovation*

You've earned it, Sarcastro. Take your bow.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 10:41 AM       
Another brilliant article about another really sad thing.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 01:21 PM       
Proto, the reference to Venture Bros (which I guess was unintentional) was the ...ON THE ASTRAL PLANE!! quote. I thought you were alluding to Dr. Orpheus and how he'd always start talking softly and then when he'd speak of THE ASTRAL PLANE HIS VOICE WOULD RAISE!!! So does getting geeky references from things not even intended to be geeky references make me even more of a geek? Well, I have to get back to my Enterprise NCC-1701-C model now. Yes, NCC-1701-C... not even a ship featured in a series. No wonder I haven't been laid in over a year.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 01:34 PM       
Proto, I got the final part of One More Day, and I'm totally with you here, and this'll be the second time that I've taken Amazing Spider-Man off my account at a comic shop (lol ). What a completely moronic decision on Joe Quesada's part (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STICK TO PENCILING). Any chance you are going to do a review on the "Messiah Complex" storyline, in the future?
"Ignoring all the retarded anime shit and Guitar Woman fawning over a drawing to say that Toobin' is the best Tube similation since Virtual Bart."- Gadzooks
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 03:46 PM       
This story makes me cry.
But it's alright to cry.
Crying lets the sad out.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 04:05 PM       
As a long time reader, first time poster, I'd just like to say Tales from the Longbox is one of my favourite features.

Man does One More Day seem so stupid! Great article though!
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 04:07 PM       

Your Tales from the Longbox reviews are awesome.
I love both comics and MST3K, so your reviews are spectacular. I like knowing which comics I'm missing, especially if they're bad. Keep up the great work.

I've never read Spiderman, but am familiar with him from working at a comic book store. What really sucks about Quesada is what he's done in general to Marvel's bigger franchises (M-Day for X-Men is particularly bad). I liked that he brought in high-profile writers and trimmed down unnecessary books at first (JMS for Spiderman, Grant Morrison and Chris Claremont in X-Men, etc), but after a while it's like he gets impatient with steady sales and decides to drop a bomb on us all.

The worst thing, though, is that clearly Marvel needs to capitalize on the popularity of the movies to build their fanbase. They didn't seem to mind the whole Back In Black storyline to coincide with Spiderman 3. If that's the case, why the hell would Quesada split up MJ and Peter, when in the movie they're on the verge of marriage? Any new reader of Spiderman will be annoyed (and hopefully, put off) by this storyline, and of course the hardcore fan will perform voodoo on Quesada.

As far as Aunt May is concerned, I totally agree. You don't want to mess with too much of Spiderman's core (like his costume or attitude), things that define the character's look and appeal. His relationships should evolve, and Aunt May, however beloved, needs to go. If Quesada wanted to rock the boat and do something interesting (and non-sucky), he should've killed her off.

Quesada's worst sin is the cheapness of it all. 20 years vs. 1 month just doesn't cut it. Instead of a realistic treatment of people separating or divorcing, we get a lazy Faust idea. Why not spend the time to make us believe something of this scale could happen? Who really feels glad that Aunt May is alive now? If they had reversed the roles of Aunt May and MJ in this story, it would've automatically become 10 times better.

I know stories like this get reversed all the time, and even though that can be a cheap thrill, it's not unusual. But we know that Quesada takes bad ideas and forces them to stick. Poor Spidey.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 07:04 PM       
Sarcastro: Dave, that was brilliant! Seems to me we have to get you a new job at Marvel...

BakaGaijin: Wow, the Venture Bros reference seems totally obvious now, and looking back on it, I absolutely heard him saying the caption just like Orpheus. But like I said, it was totally subconscious. Thanks to the Venture Bros, I absolutely cannot read Dr. Strange's dialog without hearing it in the Dr. Orpheus voice (so he's become like ten times cooler than he used to be, and I've always liked ol' Doc Strange). So yeah, I've gotten to the point where I just think Strange talks like that and I don't even link it back to Dr. Orpheus anymore.

Sniperwulf: I doubt I'll be doing anything on "Messiah Complex". I've actually been enjoying it, so I don't think it's worth ripping apart in a Longbox column, but Max has a Weekly review of it coming up very soon. I disagree with his review, so I'm sure I'll post my thoughts in that comment thread when it pops up.

Negative Zero: I totally dig what you're saying about this alienating new readers rather than drawing them in. Sometimes I get the impression that Joe Quesada and Dan Didio over at DC are having a running contest to see who can implement the most horrible ideas. So far I think Joe is winning, but given Dan's record he could easily turn things around in his favor.

And in other news, today at my comic shop all the copies of the first "Brand New Day" issue were damaged by Diamond Distributors so there weren't any on the shelf. I had to laugh.

However, there WERE variant covers behind the counter that had $20 price tags, and one guy actually bought one in my presence. I so wanted to slap it out of his hand.
"It's like I'm livin' in a stinkin' poop rainbow." - Cordelia Burbank
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 07:34 PM       
I haven't read a Spider-Man comic in years, but have kept myself informed of some of the major events, such as the unmasking and May getting shot, but I had no idea what "One More Day" actually was, nor did I care that much. A friend addressed some issues he had with the arc, and how ridiculous it seemed, especially Mephisto demanding their marriage instead of, oh I don't know, their immortal souls?

Then, I read the column and chuckled because I always thought said friend was overreacting and it could not be that horrible. I realized that by making it into I-Mockery, he had been right all along. I mentioned you guys to him and he was glad he wasn't the only one that thought "One More Day" was utter shit.

Oh, I also read it a bit later and re-reconfirmed it: it really is shit. I always felt a little bit of remorse for abandoning Spidey, but after this, all was washed away on Quesada's wave of mutilation.

And hi, first poster, but long-time fan of this place.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 10:28 PM       
I think I'll just stick to the movies. Those have never steered me wro... uh. Never mind.
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Old Jan 9th, 2008, 11:32 PM       
Good review, Protoclown.

Me? I haven't picked up a comic in about seven years and thanks to bad writing like this, I'm glad I haven't wasted my money. If Quesada really has a raging boner about fucking with the Marvel Universe, why doesn't he simply bring back What If and make each 'reality' several issues long? That way he can fuck with the characters as much as he wants and if they take off, he can make a spinoff series. Why not? That way, he can play all he wants and we can still have our serious character.

Plus, What Ifs can take shitty writing since it's just an imaginary story.
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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 05:52 AM       
Originally Posted by Octiron View Post
octiron what is your favorite discworld book
[COLOR=purple][COLOR=Magenta]SHAME ON A [COLOR=Pink]NIGGA WHO TRY TO RUN [/COLOR][URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVGI6mhfJyA"]GAME[/URL] ON A NIGGA[/COLOR]
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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 12:18 PM       
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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 01:47 PM       
Personally, I'd like to see Spiderman devolve into a Norman Bates-like character. First, he sacrifices the love of his live to save his Aunt May, but soon, her life is in danger once again, and he has to routinely kidnap young women and sacrifice them to Mephisto.

And then, at the thrilling conclusion, he gets into a huge fight with Captain America (who is really just the Punisher in a Captain America Costume).
Dr. Boogie: Everything is so simple when you have a rocket launcher for an arm!

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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 02:08 PM       
Originally Posted by executioneer View Post
octiron what is your favorite discworld book
Can't pick just one, I'm afraid, but any involving Death or the Watch is always near the top of my list.
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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 02:10 PM       
SPOILER WARNING! Six issues from now Tony Stark busts in on Peter doing Aunt May on the cieling. He upchucks inside his mask and chokes on his own vomit.

Oh, and then it turns out Aunt May is a Skrull.
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Old Jan 10th, 2008, 02:34 PM       
I'm not gonna lie. Amazing Spider-man #546, aka "Brand New Day", is the worst comic I have EVER read in my life. I am completely serious.
(don't worry i am not paying for it but i don't want to sound like an ass)


The jackpot thing is real.

(don't worry i am not paying for it but i don't want to sound like an ass)
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