...I wanted to reach the widest audience of grabby rednecks possible, that's why I chose that particular venue.
Here's what I wrote. There have only been two people who have given me a problem so far...one who wrote as "I'm the old lady who shit on your floor!" and one who insisted that people should make their garage sales as interesting as possible if they want his business.
Anyway:
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Garage Sale Season is Coming Up, and I'm Going to Need to Set Some Ground Rules
I remember the naïve days in which I thought garage sales were Fun Community Activities and a great way to earn extra cash. Those days are long gone and the naïve outlook is long-dead.
Don't get on me for being a bitch and a spoilsport. It's dead because a herd of garage sale “customers” and their grabby, greedy, low-class redneck behavior killed it.
Because I believe in leading by example, let me tell you how
I behave at a garage sale. I arrive and park in an unobtrusive location. If no close spots are available, I park further down the street and walk. I don't park across neighbors' driveways, in front of fire hydrants or in the middle of the damn road with the engine running.
I arrive prepared with small bills and plenty of change. Why? Yes, that's right, because it's
rude to ask someone to break your possibly-counterfeit $50 bill for a 20-cent or $2 purchase. If I see something I'd like to buy, I buy it. If it's priced higher than I'd like to spend, I wait for the seller's attention and politely ask if they'd take any less for it. If not, I put the item back and walk away. If they agree to sell the item, I pay and get out of everyone's way.
I'd like to think I'm polite, well-mannered and not completely unreasonable as a seller, as well as a buyer. With that in mind, let's go over some of these ground rules.
Use a Little Damned Common Sense: A few years ago, I couldn't sleep the night before my garage sale. I went into the garage at 4 am to work on pricing some merchandise, and because it was stuffy I raised the garage door about 2 feet to let in some air. Imagine my surprise when, almost immediately, some random woman ducked under the garage door and asked to start looking through the merchandise. She began rummaging through things and had the nerve to be
angry at me because some things weren't priced. WTF? I try to work with early-birds because, hey, they buy stuff, but for God's sake, a garage door cracked 2 feet in the middle of the night is not an invitation! Get the hell out of my garage!
Don't Be An Asshole: I'm sure you think you've got a really good technique going when you trash talk my stuff to try and get the price down. Know what, though? I'm not a department store and I don't have anything to prove about the quality of my “merchandise”. If it was of any use to me whatsoever, it wouldn't be in a fucking garage sale, would it?!? I don't see any “WE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD!” signs anywhere. It's already priced dirt cheap because I want it gone, but pissing me off isn't going to help lower the price further. Last year someone told me, indignantly, that they could get the item at Goodwill for cheaper. Well, better get headed for your car, then, I guess your fat ass has one more stop on the way home.
Don't Act Like You're Doing Me a Big Favor: You're right. If I didn't need the money, I sure as hell wouldn't put forth all the effort to haul my crap out and let a crowd heavily peppered with idiot yahoos paw through it. However, it's a reciprocal thing. Yes, you're doing me a favor by buying my junk and hauling it away. I am doing
you a favor by providing desirable and affordable junk for you. If that wasn't true, you wouldn't be here. So stop acting like that 5-spot you're flashing is like steak to a famine victim, okay? The damn solid-oak table is marked at $30, and yes, someone will eventually be happy to pay that $30 and haul it away. And I will be thrilled that it's them getting it and not you.
Keep Your Religious Pamphlets to Yourself: You weren't going to convert me anyway, and slipping me a pamphlet that calls me a sinner, liar and/or fornicator sure as hell isn't helping your case.
An Open Warning To Lawsuit Woman: Do
not hang around me with ominous tales about how you sued this homeowner or that because you tripped in their driveway or injured yourself on something they were selling, or how courts don't care about “keep out” or “do not touch” signs. I've put up with you two years in a row and I'm not putting up with you for a third. If I see you, I'm telling you to get off my property, and if you don't, I'm calling the police. I don't dig the threats, lady, and I'm not your cash cow.
Don't Deliberately Break My Stuff: A few years back there was a woman who popped the heads off of Barbies and then demanded them for free. I threw them in a small trash can right in front of her, then after she left I put the heads back on and they sold for $1 each.
I Am Not Your Captive Audience: If you're pleasant and polite, sure, hell, I don't mind chatting for a few minutes. But when I am stuck in my driveway, and you
know I am stuck in my driveway, do not take that as an excuse to hang around for the next hour and a half and talk my ear off. You're nice and all, but you're a total stranger and surely you have better things to do. Just buy my stuff and go, or don't, but still go.
I also don't like people who act as if a garage sale is an invitation for them to come look around the property. This isn't a home tour, it's a garage sale. Stop trying to look into my house or wander into my backyard. That would be tresspassing.
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS!: Once upon a time, I felt bad for a poor little old lady who asked to use my restroom during a garage sale, and I let her in. She somehow managed to coat my bathroom in puddles of nasty-ass diarrhea...I still don't know how...and took off without even paying for her merchandise. Over half of my garage sale proceeds had to go toward repainting the bathroom and replacing everything that was ruined, not to mention the emotional horror of having your bathroom covered in some stranger's liquid shit. No more. I'm sorry if your colon is about to rupture or your kid is pissing his pants, but no more. You can thank the old lady. Go to McDonald's down the street, or something.
To All the Petty Thieves: I'm not stupid. I know what you're doing when your friend tries to “distract” me and you start stuffing your pockets with my crap. The only reason you ever get away with it is that people would rather let the $3 in costume jewelry go than deal with calling the cops on you. But if you'd done the same thing at a store, you'd be leaving in a squad car. Seriously, is it that big a deal to pay 50 cents for a fucking necklace?
To the People Who Think They're Making a Fortune on Ebay off my Stuff:Yes, I see the quickly-concealed glint in your eye when you pick up the $5 mint-in-package Pez dispenser, “argue” me down to $3, and cart it off with glee. Whatever, go ahead, good luck with all that. If it was worth anything, I would have done it already, but you know, go for it.
Oh, and to the guys who show up and interrupt my interactions with other people to demand to know whether I have war memorabilia, old watches, or model trains, and act like they don't have any time or patience for me if I don't....just get the hell away from me. I can't stand you.
To the Guy Who Showed Up 2 Hours After I Closed: You pissed me off by showing up after the sale was obviously over and I was well back into the half-closed garage, packing things up. But I was in an expansive mood and let you sift through the remaining merchandise. However, when you looked through it and asked me if you could have it all for
free, that was it. No, you can't just show up 2 hours after someone closes and demand a china cabinet and three boxes of antiques for free. As a matter of fact, I was so pissed at you that I would have smashed it to bits in front of you first.
Also, what the
hell were you thinking sneaking up behind a woman alone in her garage like that? You scared the shit out of me, and you're extremely lucky I didn't have a taser. I learned my lesson from that, so don't chance it again. By the way, after you demanded the solid-wood china cabinet for
free, I sold it to someone for a very nice price. Hah!
Anyway, people, seriously, just use a little sense and some common courtesy, and I'm sure you and I will get along just fine. My stuff is clean, neatly arranged and well-priced. I'm willing to smile and play nice if you are. I'll chat with you for a few moments, bag up your purchases and wave bye-bye with a big shiteating grin if you'll just behave yourselves.
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I've heard of these types of assholes. I knew this annoying rich cunt who was selling off all of her expensive designer pantsuits for like 3 dollars, and all these stupid hags kept trying to barter her down to like 50 cents.
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