I posted this elsewhere. I'm posting it here. I think it deserves to be ont he site, but I'm not gonna bother trying to get Rog to agree.
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I have a habit of not throwing out my old game magazines. It takes me years before I can part with them, usually because I know one day I'll looking for that one bit of nostalgia that I no longer have. So, while going through a bunch of old magazines and preparing them for the trash, I came across more than a few ads for games that I thought were... strange, for whatever reasons. So I cut a bunch of them out to save, scan in, and share with you folks. There's only a few to start with, but there will be more. My scanner's just having a bad day, so I don't want to keep working it over.
-We start off with
Blazing Dragoons. This game is about... Something. It's apparently a humorous medeival adventure, created by Monty Python himself, Terry Jones. Sounds good, and I almost regret never playing it. But look at that ad! Yes, that IS Cheech Marin breathing fire. This borders on being a pretty badass ad, but it's still just too odd not to put here.
-Next, we have
Frantic Flea. It's apparently a game about fleas. That's all this ad gives me to go on. It may or may not also be about some mentally deranged psycho kid with fleas in his hair, and a 1950's school nurse/lunch lady looking awfully concerned despite that fact that she's RIPPING THE FUCKING KID'S HAIR OFF.
-Deep breath, everyone. Midway Presents Arcade's Greatest Hits: The Atari Collection 2. That's got to be the longest fucking title in the history of games. This was a collection of 6 games; RoadBlasters, Millipede, Marble Madness, Crystal Castles, Gauntlet, and Paperboy. Paperboy is clearly the star of the show, being the focus of the ad. Now, I remember Paperboy, but I don't remember the kid looking so... Jesus Christ. He looks like Chucky and the Toxic Avenger had a baby and smacked it in the face with a rolled up newspaper. Which would probably explain his fascination with being a paperboy who throws papers at gargoyle statues.
-This game is by far the one that most interests me. Treasure Matser boasts that if you found the special password within 12 hours (12 hours in the game, or 12 hours after the game came out, or 12 hours after the date they give?), you will be able to compete for FANTASY PRIZES on April 11, 1992 at Noon. Well... Fuck. Am I too late? How did this work? Was it a vault in the game? Did the game have an internal clock to know the real date? This is way before the Internet was around/big, so it wasn't a website you could go to. It claims you compete to win Fantasy Prizes. Compete with who? What are the prizes? Are they even real? TELL ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I seriously would give anything to know what the fuck the answers are here.
But yeah, let's look at the art here. Shark humping a submarine/torpedo. Spider with dead-doll eyes on a microchip. A dragonfly that looks like it's going to throw up. Half a robot rocketing skyward. AND SCOOTER THINKS ALL THIS IS JUST NEAT! I also provided a closeup shot of just the artwork here. Print it out and put it on your wall!
-And last for now is Wild Guns. I... don't even know where to begin. How about with that giant fucking robot? A huge arm cannon with AT LEAST 4 barrels of destruction, and he manages to just miss the two people who are about 12 feet away. Or that cactus was really asking for it. We have a lady with a machine gun, and a cowboy with a rope that seems to permanently stay in a series of rings. There appears to be a giant space beetle ship thing, and there's another cowboy over to the left wearing some sort of chest plate. And another woman whose gunfire cleverly hides her crotch from the viewer's lustful gaze. I really feel this game needs to be made into a movie. UWE BOLL GET IN HERE!
More to come. Love me and my inability to throw shit away.