Oct 13th, 2008, 10:45 AM
The Terrorist Fistjab
I'm sure you all remember Fox News' E.D. Hill and her infamous "terrorist fist jab" comment. There was a small furor over it, though criticism of it entirely missed the point. Now that anger over the comment has subsided, I am here to correct her usage of the term.
True, she apologized, but I don't think any of us were fooled. It's okay, Edith. As an avid republican (though not a conservative, just an partisan asshole) I understand the need to generate interest in your subpar television program through rumor-mongering that you never elaborate on. However, improper use of The Terrorist Fistjab is insulting to our party. I am here to set the record straight and clear up any misconceptions any filthy liberal mongrels may now have about it.
What Is The Terrorist Fistjab?
Contrary to now-popular opinion, the Terrorist Fistjab is actually the only kinky sex act allowed for Republicans to partake in. After centuries of Christians faithfully, enduringly, and unfailingly only having sex using the Missionary position (that's the way Jesus has sex*), The Lord's faithful people were tiring of using the same sexual position when they fucked every other month. A change was needed.
Then, in 2003, while dutifully (if halfheartedly) ploughing his moderately attractive wife, Our Glorious Savior Mitt Romney had an epiphany. He set his low-set and reasonably priced coffee table in front of his equally reasonably priced television set, laid his wife upon it, and resumed the missionary position while watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann and screaming at the television set. Eyewitnesses (aka his children) claim that Ann Romney came five times in quick succession.
A Legend Is Born
Needless to say, the sexual move has evolved quite a bit since then. Currently, the woman's head is placed under the television stand, out of view, so that the man can more fully fantasize about raping and humiliating a now-female Keith Olbermann. Viciously punching her Where the Bruises Won't Show is optional. Former Senator Rick Santorum is said to have had a room dominated by four enormous HD televisions, one for each wall.
Keith Olbermann has attempted to create a liberal counterpart to the Terrorist Fistjab. It was mostly the same thing, only involving an underage ladyboy and The O'Reilly Factor. It also ended with him ejaculating in less than thirty seconds and crying himself to sleep, because The Lord hates him.
Hopefully this clears a few things up.
*Not to infer that he ever had sex in real life, that's just silly. Reverend Melvin Wurst of Brindleweed, Ohio, personally assures me that he's getting all kinds of ass up in heaven to make up for the whole crucifixion thing, though