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Game Features


Game: Blood Zero
Developer: Totally Screwed Software

Demo Download: Click here for download options
Registration fee: 20 measly bux.


Once Diablo II finally loses its luster, you may find yourself adrift in a sea of doubt and uncertainty, asking yourself, "whatever shall I do now? I want to kill hoards of things, but I'm so tired of killing those same bosses and their puny minions, hoarding the same treasure, and those goddamned fetishes, I hate those guys! They were everywhere, and they shot thousands of little darts, and they breathed fire, and they had huge heads, and…" wait, what was I talking about? Ah yes, killing.

When you've finally scored all the treasure you can stomach, and once you've pumped up your character up to such an extent that other people consider you either a cheater or a total shut-in loser, our friends over at Totally Screwed Software have the answer. It's a combination of mass murder with just enough RPG elements to keep it interesting, and all the resplendent carnage that I think we all want (perhaps even expect) to see when playing a game of any sort. Plus, it has an actual story to go with it! Wow! The name of this latest TSS opus is Blood Zero.

Bllllooooooood... zero.

Essentially, the storyline says that there are two universes: the good one, the one we all live and work and play video games and grow long beards in, and the bad one, the one where people carve up vampires with chainsaws and throw dynamite at police officers. There is more to the plot than that, but I'm not here to bandy words about things that don't directly involve killin'.

Ah, living in sin.

You don't start out with all the different characters at your beck and call as in ZSX, rather they join up with you as the story progresses. These two, Blank, the guy in the undershirt, and Beetle, the girl with the blue hair, are the two that you'll start out in control of. By the end of the game, you'll have seven characters at your disposal, though only four of them will be able to let loose unspeakable carnage upon your enemies at once.

Aside from looking different, each character has a different set of special abilities ranging from being able to the throw sticks of dynamite, to healing everyone in the party, to having the ability to unleash a nuclear holocaust. Swear to god. It's the not one of the first special abilities available, but it's in there, rest assured.

One special ability in particular that I'd like to focus on for a minute, because it's in the same category as the "heartbreaker" move I mentioned in my write-up of Zombie Smashers X (which I'm certain that you are all intimately familiar with) in that it is both helpful to you, and gory and fatal to your enemies, is preternatural to Mafa, one of a race of small, spherical creatures called "rats." It is referred to simply as the "Brain Eating Skill."

Best. Skill. Ever.

When I first unlocked this ability, I was curious, to say the least. After seeing it in action, I was ecstatic. Allow me to give you a little play-by-play: after mortally wounding an enemy, Mafa walks up to him and begins furiously chomping on the guy's head (chewing sounds, blood everywhere; the works). Then, with the entire head consumed, he instantly grows into a giant grinning spheroid monster! And those teeth ain't just for show, baby! He puts aside his regular weapon (he starts out with a hypodermic needle full of hemlock :o) and just bites the hell out of whoever's in reach. Ph34r!!!

I wonder if blood helps the grass grow?

The combat system is set up so that you directly control one of the characters in your party while the others follow you and descend en masse upon whatever enemy you've got your sights set on. Should you manage to outrun the rest of your team, they'll magically teleport to your location, thus saving you from any of that "you must gather your party before venturing forth" nonsense found in today's contemporary (and sadly, less violent) RPGs.

Returning from ZSX is the bar that gradually fills up as you fight, and causes you to "freak out" when it's full, complete with an evil grin and a case of the shakes. Additionally, a universal massacre bar has been added, when you fill that one up, you get results like this:

Now how am I gonna find my car keys in THIS mess?

Yes, friends, it's "exploding corpse action!" There's over a dozen different effects (one is chosen at random once the bar is full), and they range from the avaricious "extremely cash time!" to the green-tinted "radioactive party!" As far as I can tell, they're all beneficial in some way, with the exception of the mind-altering "acid or ecstasy" mode; turning the bad guys into floating mushrooms that bleed giant bubbles while the air itself ripples around you can be quite a distracting occurrence.

The weapons, though, they're what really makes the game. Each character starts out using a specific weapon type, such as axes, small arms, and throwing weapons, but you can easily change what kind of weapon each character uses. Plus, weapons can be upgraded to deal additional damage, as well as have an elemental type of damage such as poison, sonic, and of course, fire, which produces the following:

He's en fuego!

Ah, a crispy critter. If ever there comes a time in which I don't enjoy the sight of an enemy that has been thoroughly cooked, I'll have to take that cyanide capsule I keep for when I go "soft."

And the best part is that any weapon can be upgraded to deal elemental damage, provided that the weapon doesn't already deal some sort; a flamethrower that also deals electrical damage would be downright nutty, wouldn't it?

I'll get the mop...

But what really makes the game is the pure carnage and bloody mayhem. I know I said earlier that the weapons really make the game, but this really, really makes the game. Just forget what I said earlier about the weapons. There's blood all over the place in combat. In the course of a battle, a person might lose an eye, or be burnt to a crisp, or just plain explode. Better still, enemies can be decapitated, and their severed heads can be used as deadly weapons! And not just throwing weapons either; there are a few special abilities that allow you to transform a severed head into a weapon of mass destruction!!! Frankly, I'd be doing myself, and indeed all of I-Mockery, a disservice if I didn't show you such an ability in action:

[insert lame pun]

Oh yeah, that's the stuff. That flaming head just sent a couple of ninjas to the burn ward. They must not have heard the heads up. Ha ha ha. If only they had realized how headstrong I am. Hee hee… Well, I suppose none of you are laughing, so I'll just quit while I'm ahead.

In case I haven't fully conveyed the message yet, I thoroughly enjoyed Blood Zero. It has a nice feel to it, combining elements from games like the Legend of Zelda and Diablo. Plus, I liked the way several aesthetic elements were carried over from ZSX, like the artwork for Hell. Of course, those of you that didn't pay for ZSX don't know what I'm talking about, you cheap scrod-suckers. Anyway, there's no shortage of the sadistic violence and bloodshed that you, the reader, deserve. So shell out the twenty bucks for registration. It's well worth the money, and I love you guys, but let's face it: most of you don't have what it takes to win a free copy in the contest. There can be only one.

Oh, by the way, good luck with the contest.

Demo Download: Click here for download options

Review by:

Dr. Boogie




Thanks to the spiffy bastards at Totally Screwed Software, we're able to give you the opportunity to win the fully registered version of Blood Zero! Once again, they're offering a free registration code to anybody who wins. So what do you have to do to win it? It's quite simple really...

You need to come up with a new idea for a lead character complete with at least one weapon and draw it. Any entries that don't include an original weapon of some sort will not be counted. We're judging this on humor and creativity. All entries will be put up on the site for everybody to see! And, the winner of the contest will get a free registration code for Blood Zero so he/or she can play the glorious full version of the game! Then you can waste the 20 bux you would have spent on the game on something else... something like I-Mockery Stickers! *yet another blatant advertisement*

That's all there is to it!


  • All entries must be received by July 4th. Contest results and all of the entries will be posted for all to see shortly after that.

  • Don't forget, when you draw your original character, make sure he/she/it has some kind of new weapon. Be creative as you like!

  • Pictures should not exceed 500k

  • Animated .gifs and Flash .swf animations are acceptable, but standard drawings (even hand drawn items) are perfectly fine as well. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with.

  • Entries are going to be judged on humor and creativity.

  • ANYBODY can enter, you don't have to be an amazing artist to win. I mean, really, just look at the graphics in the game... anybody with a copy of MS Paint can draw something close to that.

  • Winning entry receives a fully registered version of Blood Zero!


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