by: -RoG-

With all the craziness that takes place during our annual "Two Months of Halloween" celebration here on I-Mockery, a lot of the smaller purchases I make during the season tend to slip through the cracks. I decided to help prevent that from happening this year by collecting some of my latest (and cheapest) finds and putting them into one article. After all, just because these Halloween novelties were all dirt cheap, doesn't mean they don't have redeeming qualities worth writing about. So let's take a look at some of my favorite random cheap-ass purchases from the 2010 Halloween Season!

Coffin Putty:

I've always loved the word "putty", so it should come as no surprise that I was more than willing to spend 99 cents a a two-pack of Coffin Putty. Sure, it may not make for a good windowpane sealant, but this putty comes in black and orange varieties and has a skeleton emtombed within it. If that's not worth 99 cents, I don't know what is.

The putty itself reeks of chemicals that can likely get you high and simultaneously cause an aneurysm, but it feels so amusingly odd, you can't help but play with it for a while. I felt it was my duty to free at least one of these skeletons, so I went with the orange one for the simple reason that I reminded me of all those bugs whose untimely demise was the result of falling into a blob of tree sap and being forever preserved for our viewing pleasure in shiny fossilized amber orbs at science museums nationwide. Yeah, that's how I roll.

Jason Voorhees Hanging Decor Pendant:

When you see a hanging Jason Voorhees torso on clearance for $3.00, you don't ask any questions, you just buy the thing quickly and hope nobody realizes it was a huge pricing error (which I'm sure it was, and if not, it should've been). Granted, this particular Jason Voorhees was missing a hand, and in its place, there was an exposed hook, but does that mean it should be reduced in price so drastically? Who cares. I bought it!

"Wait a minute, where did that hand come from!?" Yeah, I know that's what you're wondering. Well, it turns out that Jason was hanging right next to a Terminator: Salvation hanging decoration, and since it was a cyborg anyway, I figured it could do without one of those hands. So now Jason has a robotic right hand, and he couldn't look more shocked about it. And don't tell me the hand doesn't match him, because the cashier sure didn't seem to notice. Besides, if anybody asks about it, I'll just say it's a reference to Jason X anyway.

"Glow-In-The-Dark" Softsoap:

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was when I saw this "glow-in-the-dark" Softsoap bottle of foaming hand soap. With the label right on the dispenser, it was clear to me that I was going to be washing my hands in the dark for about ten hours straight. I mean, seriously... how often do you get to make your hands glow and clean them at the same time? It seemed like the perfect new Halloween product, so I rushed to the bathroom to try it out.

My excitement about the chance of washing my hands with glow-in-the-dark liquids was immediately matched by the crushing disappoint of discovering that it was only the bottle that glowed. Granted, the bottle does glow quite nicely, but come on... Softsoap clearly knew they were suckering people into buying the bottles by not stating on the front that the soap itself didn't glow. To the people behind Softsoap: you need to remedy this. You have cheated we, the faithful followers of all things Halloween, by tricking us into thinking we could wash our hands with glow-in-the-dark soap. To make up for this, have your research department come up with a soap that actually glows. As Serpentor would say: This I command!

Lite Hanging Decoration:

When I'm in Halloween shops, if I see something that's on sale, it's hard for me to resist buying the item, even if I already own 20 of whatever it is. In this case, it was light-up hanging Grim Reaper decoration, reduced from $5.99 to a measly 99 cents. Sold.

I've always liked how Death looks as it is, so I was more than happy to supply the On the back of the package, the text gives a strong warning that, "It is not a toy." It's plastic, it lights up and features the Grim Reaper... sounds like a toy to me.

At first, I thought the thing was broke, because the connectors for it were actually rusted (impressive considering it was sealed in the package when I bought it) and the battery pack wasn't glued to the figure properly. I walked away for a minute, and when I came back, it started flashing on & off. Turns out, the light just needed a little time to warm up before it started flashing, and I think he looks pretty good. Just gotta find some superglue to reattach the battery pack to him with.

Overstuffed Severed Head:

Even the cashier lady had to do a price check on this thing. It's a big, life-sized severed head of some guy who appears to have had a bad encounter with lava Twizzlers or somtehing along those lines. What amazed me is that it was in a clearance bin for only $3.00 and nobody had grabbed it yet. Perhaps this is why:

The original stuffing from this head apparently fell out, so they just tore up some large pieces of foam and shoved it inside the head so it would keep its form. It worked, but it doesn't make the head look any less ridiculous. I mean, you're not gonna shriek when you see a hanging severed head with Tempur-Pedic memory foam dangling out of the bottom instead of grisly sinews. Kind of reduces the horror effect.

Still, even if it doesn't scare people, I'll always love my Tempur-Pedic Twizzler Attack Victim Head™.

Flashing Skeleton:

Granted, it should be called a "Flashing Skull" since the rest of the skeleton is nowhere to be found, but this thing actually turned out to be a pretty good find for 3 bux. Gotta love how they basically stole the flaming skull & crossbones artwork from Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm also still trying to decide whether the "Horrobal Sound" text on the package is another bad case of Engrish or just a play on words (horrible --> horrorball) that they still managed to fuck up. Either way, you can go ahead and add "horrobal" to your Halloween lexicon, which should already contain the likes of "can seesaw the booy" and "will bring danger for them probably."

When you press your finger onto the back of the skull the green eyes on this thing light up like crazy and it plays an extremely loud "horrobal" death toll sound along with some tortured guy yelling in agony. If you're in the market for handheld novelty glowing skulls, this is clearly a good place to start. A horrobaly good place to start.

Blinky Glow Lite:

This one actually stopped me in my tracks, and I would hope any of you would react the same way. Everything about this Blinky Glow Lite - from the simplistic, non-flashy packaging to the big rounded skull itself - screams of vintage Halloween keepsakes. At $7.00, it's the priciest item I've shared with you today, but it's still a hell of a deal in my book. Upon closer inspection, I found out that they stopped making these in 1999, so it's actually quite lucky to find it. Even the cashier at the Halloween shop remarked that it looked old. I guess it was just some old stock they found lying around in their warehouse.

I'd also like to point out that while it's called a "Blinky Glow Lite", the green "Electric Frite Lite" label mentions in smaller text that it's a "Non-Blinking Window Light". That right, the brand is called "Blinking" but the light doesn't actually blink.

At this point, I'm not sure if it's possible for me to love this thing any more than I already do.

The artwork on the back of the packaging is absolutely fantastic in all its two-tone glory. Just look at that happy pumpkin, gleefully hanging by a suction cup from a living room window and illuminating the night for wandering trick-or-treaters. Even the description shows just how welcoming it is: "Glowlite is a friendly sign of the Halloween season." Indeed it is. I did some hunting and found out that there is a Jack-O-Lantern Glow Lite too, so I have every intention of procuring one in the near future. But back to our new friend, the skull:

Dear god, this blown-mold skull is friggin' beautiful! I love the pronounced cheekbones and the cracks on his head, but the real selling point to me are the teeth. It's as if he's gritting his teeth, not out of anger, but to tell the world, "Yeah, my teeth ain't perfect... SO WHAT???" Easily the best seven bux I've spent so far this season and I look forward to reuniting Mister Toothy Skull with his Happy Jack-O counterpart.

And let this be a lesson to all of you, as you go out and scour the seasonal shops for some great Halloween items. The products they sell are almost always overpriced, but if you take the time to do some hunting around the darkest corners of these shops, you can find some great deals on Halloween novelties and decorations. Some purchases may disappoint you, while others will happily surprise you... but you'll never know until you take a chance.

IMPORTANT! Today, I'm giving you all some HALLOWEEN HOMEWORK. I want all of you to take $10 - $20 at most and go buy some cheap Halloween products that you wouldn't normally buy. Then report back to us here in the comments section below and share some photos of your finds along with your thoughts on them. I'll be sending out a special little Halloween goody bag to one lucky winner. All you have to do to be entered into the drawing is take a photo of at least one Halloween purchase and tell us a little bit about it. You have until the end of October 31st, 2010 to post your photos.

Happy Hallo-hunting!

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