by: -RoG-

Remember Ghoulies? Of course you do! Even if you never saw any of the movies, you still remember the classic poster with one of the little demons popping up out of the toilet and a rectal joke for a tagline. And let's not forget that many have wondered if the name "Ghoulies" is actually a reference to "Goolies", the British slang term for testicles. Ah toilet humor...

Well, it looks as though one company decided to try and capitalize on the Ghoulies concept of having demons emerging from your favorite porcelain god, and I just happened to pick one up at my local Halloween seasonal shop. Behold:

Yes, the Toilet Monster is a Halloween novelty item in which you are apparently supposed to place this green rubber demon thing on your toilet in an attempt to scare somebody. Somebody like an old lady with rolling pins in her hair...

"Beware of the creature from the Crap Lagoon!" You know, Halloween novelty companies really should be more careful with what they put on their packaging, because this whole borrowing ideas thing goes both ways. Sure, they probably got their idea from the Ghoulies movie, but I could see that Crap Lagoon line could easily finding its way into some horrible horror movie in the future. It's novelty crap like this that results in movies such as Monsturd. Thank you, Toilet Monster.

The monster itself isn't much to write home about. It's about as terrifying as the average monster mask you'd find in the discount bin at your local dollar store. What is scary about it, however, is how the green coloring on this thing stains practically everything it touches. Even scarier, Big Mouth Toys (the company that produces this monstrosity) lists the Toilet Monster as one of their top sellers. Wow. And hey, it also comes in red, so if you buy both, you can have a good Christmas Toilet Monster theme going come December.

So the directions clearly indicate that you need to attach the toilet monster to the underside of the toilet seat. That right there is the first mistake they made... wait... no... the first mistake was that they actually produced these things, the second mistake is that they want you to actually attach it to the underside of the toilet seat. I don't care how regularly you clean your toilet, it's still gonna be dirty under there. Now I'm no mysophobe, but unless it's a plunger, if something touches the inside of my toilet, it's going in the trash shortly after. And they expect me to re-use this gag item over and over again? No way in hell is that gonna happen... not unless I modify the instructions a bit.

I decided to reverse all of the suction cups on the Toilet Monster so that I can place it on top of the toilet seat, rather than underneath it. It may not have the exact same effect, but the toilet lid should cover it just fine for any unsuspecting victim. Let's see how it works...

See? There's absolutely no need to attach that thing to the underside of the toilet seat! If you walked into that bathroom and hadn't read this article, you wouldn't notice the Toilet Monster waiting to scare the crap out of ya. But the real question here is, does it work? Sure, you can watch that dazzling animation and see how he pops up from under the lid, but does it actually scare people? Fortunately for you, I have some video footage of it in action. You see, I went out for dinner after setting this thing up, and when I got back home, I really needed to take a dump so badly that I had completely forgotten I had put the Toilet Monster under the lid. So why do I have video footage of this? It's quite simple really... I clearly have hidden cameras installed in my bathroom because I have a fetish for watching people poop.

And now, with that big confession off of my chest, I present you with what happened when I discovered the Toilet Monster had been waiting to pounce my posterior.

It take back everything I said about the Toilet Monster. It's not stupid, it's downright horrifying.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
-RoG-