Want to celebrate
Halloween but don't know what to be? Well then, have I got the
answers for you! Okay, so I'm not promising they're very good
answers, and they'll probably get you mugged if you go
trick-or-treating, and if you go to a party, you'll likely be the
most hated person there, but wearing a lame costume is still better
than no costume at all, isn't it? Anyway, here are some
costume ideas that I came up with while I was bored at work. Mostly
on the can.
The Transvestite
When I was a teenager, it seemed like there was always some dude I
knew who wanted to dress up as a girl, probably because it was the
one day of the year he could bare his secret shame for the world to
see without fear of enduring any social backlash. So for Halloween
this year, you could always do the ironic "be yourself", and go back
into costume for the other 364 days of the year. Bonus points if you
go as an easily recognizable celebrity transvestite, like Ru Paul or
Ann Coulter. Sorry ladies, I guess this suggestion isn't for you.
A Transformer
Transformers was a popular movie this summer, so any costume
based on the film is sure to be a hit! Dressing up as the
live-action movie version is easy: just make your costume look like
a giant piece of shit with legs, and you're done! If you want to go
with the more "old school" look, construct a giant, unwieldy costume
out of cardboard boxes to ensure that you'll constantly bump into
people and have trouble fitting through doorways all night. And if
you dress up as Optimus Prime, make sure you stomp on people's
gardens and knock shit over in and around their house while saying
"Whoops! My bad!"
Global Warming
Here's a really obnoxious one: go as global warming! Put yourself in
a big round ball, paint it up like the planet Earth, and strap a
bunch of space heaters to your body (at least a minimum of eight).
Try not to catch anything or anyone on fire, but if you do,
make sure to blame everyone else in attendance for unleashing
too many greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere. This won't be the
most comfortable costume you could wear, but it's a small sacrifice
to pay in order to raise awareness that you're a giant asshole.
Obscure Nerd-dom
Character
Dress up as a character that only the biggest of nerds would
recognize, like any second-tier comics or Lord of the Rings
character, or anyone from a TV series that enjoyed fringe popularity
like Babylon 5. This costume will ensure that you'll go home sad and
alone from any parties you attend, but it's a sure bet that anyone
you're seen talking to throughout the night will return to a cold
and empty apartment as well. And won't that make it all worth it,
knowing that your costume has brought misery to others?
Abnormally Large
Midget Creature
If you're a person of usual height and build, dress up as a creature
that's normally portrayed by midgets, like leprechauns or Ewoks. For
too long have the midgets selfishly monopolized these costumes! It's
time to take them back!
Emperor Palpatine
Dress up as Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars, and talk in that
really annoying and obnoxious way that he does. Try to get people to
ask you "yes or no" questions, like "Would you like something to
drink?" and then respond by contorting your face and saying "No, no,
no NO, NO" and pretend you are shooting lightning at them from your
fingers. If you don't get your ass kicked within five minutes, I'll
be surprised.
Recently Deceased
Zombie Celebrity
You're sure to offend many people if you dress up as a zombie
version of a popular celebrity who's died within the last year or
so, like Steve Irwin, Michael Jackson (the beer guy), or Anna Nicole
Smith. To make the costume more authentic, duct tape slabs of raw
meat under your clothing so you smell like the rotting dead. (Note:
make sure you leave the meat laying out in the sun all day before
putting on your costume).
Governor Ahnold
Schwarzenegger
If you live in California, construct a ridiculous composite costume
using as many different Ahnold roles as possible, like Mr. Freeze,
Conan the Barbarian, the Terminator, and others. Spout off as many
ridiculous and moronic catchphrases from his films as you can
throughout the night, and constantly remind everyone you see that
somehow, against all odds, you're their governor. By the end
of the night everyone you've encountered should be a sobbing wreck.
An Emoticon
Pick whatever emotion you feel like embodying for the entire night,
and then go out and portray that emotion to the best of your ability
with your emoticon costume. My recommendation is to go with
something fun, like "anger" >:O, and assault every person you come
across. If you can come up with some kind of LED face screen that
allows you to change what emoticon you are, better yet!
Your Favorite Album
A sure way to come across as a pretentious, annoying asshole the
entire night is to dress up as your favorite album. Just get a big
cardboard box, paste a large image of your favorite album cover on
the front of it, and walk around bumping into people all night
because of your large square costume. Try to get into as many
arguments about music as you can, sing songs from the album, and if
anyone tells you that album or band sucks, get into a fistfight with
that person.
That's all I got. Don't blame me if you get made fun of or get your
ass kicked for using one of these. I sure as hell wouldn't use any
of 'em, but hey, these are supposed to be ideas for you, not
me.
