masks... I dunno, I guess somebody out there buys the stuff. You
know, last minute shoppers who have no other choice, people who
think they're "too cool" for Halloween and therefore they shouldn't
spend jack on a mask, and people who run web sites named I-Mockery.
Well with the
Halloween season officially kicking off in stores, it's no surprise
that the cheap Halloween masks have returned. And this year, they're
back and cheaper than ever! It seems that both Target and Wal-Mart
have got their hands in a whole new series of cheap-assed masks that
cost only a buck. So let's take a look at these masks that cost less
than a biggie-size order o' fries.
Wow, I gotta say ol'
Frankie really let himself go. I've seen quite a few catcher's mits
that are in better shape than his mug. And what's with the lipstick
on the lips and the eyes? Man, I didn't know Frankenstein was
turning tricks. Somebody find him and get him off the streets. Let
him know that "Frankenhooker" was just a movie! It's not real!
I don't care how
non-threatening and goofy the devil masks looks, out of all these
masks, it's the easiest to see out of and that goes a long way. It's
already hard enough to see when you're out trick-or-treating at
night, so having decent eye holes in your mask (even if it's a piece
of shit like this) tends to help. Oh yeah, see how his nose curls
up? You can actually stick the tip of the nose into the mouth
opening to make it look even more absurd. Hey, when you're the
devil, you can do whatever you want and if anybody questions it, you
just tell them it's EVIL.
Look, I love skulls.
You love skulls. We all love skulls. There's a skull in The Goonies
logo and the guys in the Cobra Kai wore them to the Halloween dance
for chrissakes. Still, with all these things going for skull masks,
if you make one cheap, they're still gonna look like ass.
Furthermore, this particular masks tends to cave in around your
eyes, making it extremely hard to keep your eyes open without them
getting scratched by the mask.
Well, they made the
mask itself nice enough considering it's just a buck. Problem is,
unless your face is near paper thin, it's just not gonna look wide
enough. Still, the mask looks better than anything I could carve on
a pumpkin, so I can't criticize it too much.
Wow, this mask really
stands out from the pack. Nothing like the the Toxic Avenger
combined with a mockery of the homeless and anti-tobacco activism.
Ignoring the fact that his lips were somehow smeared up around his
nose, this guy's left eye was apparently beaten shut. But here's the
kicker, they actually left it shut. So you only have ONE eye
hole to look out of with this mask. On the other hand, his fake
stubble makes for a great abrasive wash cloth. Really helps open
THE CHARRED SKULL!
If I had to pic one
mask to wear out of all these masks, I think I'd have to go with
mister charred skull here. Sure, it doesn't look all that great, but
at least it's sort of evil looking. Isn't it? Okay, the only real
reason I would choose this mask is because it completely covers your
head instead of being held on using a thin elastic band. And when it
comes to dollar masks, I'm all about the ones that completely cover
your head so that there's no way anybody could possibly guess it's
you behind that cheap piece o' crap.
This has gotta be the
worst of the lot. It's like they couldn't decide what they wanted to
make. Is it a skull? Is it a guy with most of his flesh ripped off?
Did Frankenstein make out with it and get his lipstick smeared all
over it? I just don't know. All I know is that his tongue is hanging
out and according to the rules of Halloween, that's supposed to be
freaky. Hey don't blame me, blame Gene Simmons or
In the end, when it
comes to dollar masks there's only one thing that can be said. You
get what you paid for.
Wanna see more cheap
Halloween crap we've reviewed?
The One-Dollar Pirate!
The Jason-X Costume!