Cheap Halloween masks... I dunno, I guess somebody out there buys the stuff. You know, last minute shoppers who have no other choice, people who think they're "too cool" for Halloween and therefore they shouldn't spend jack on a mask, and people who run web sites named I-Mockery.

Well with the Halloween season officially kicking off in stores, it's no surprise that the cheap Halloween masks have returned. And this year, they're back and cheaper than ever! It seems that both Target and Wal-Mart have got their hands in a whole new series of cheap-assed masks that cost only a buck. So let's take a look at these masks that cost less than a biggie-size order o' fries.

FRANKENSTEIN!

Wow, I gotta say ol' Frankie really let himself go. I've seen quite a few catcher's mits that are in better shape than his mug. And what's with the lipstick on the lips and the eyes? Man, I didn't know Frankenstein was turning tricks. Somebody find him and get him off the streets. Let him know that "Frankenhooker" was just a movie! It's not real!

THE DEVIL!

I don't care how non-threatening and goofy the devil masks looks, out of all these masks, it's the easiest to see out of and that goes a long way. It's already hard enough to see when you're out trick-or-treating at night, so having decent eye holes in your mask (even if it's a piece of shit like this) tends to help. Oh yeah, see how his nose curls up? You can actually stick the tip of the nose into the mouth opening to make it look even more absurd. Hey, when you're the devil, you can do whatever you want and if anybody questions it, you just tell them it's EVIL.

THE SKULL!

Look, I love skulls. You love skulls. We all love skulls. There's a skull in The Goonies logo and the guys in the Cobra Kai wore them to the Halloween dance for chrissakes. Still, with all these things going for skull masks, if you make one cheap, they're still gonna look like ass. Furthermore, this particular masks tends to cave in around your eyes, making it extremely hard to keep your eyes open without them getting scratched by the mask.

THE PUMPKIN!

Well, they made the mask itself nice enough considering it's just a buck. Problem is, unless your face is near paper thin, it's just not gonna look wide enough. Still, the mask looks better than anything I could carve on a pumpkin, so I can't criticize it too much.

SMOKEY THE BEAR BUM!

Wow, this mask really stands out from the pack. Nothing like the the Toxic Avenger combined with a mockery of the homeless and anti-tobacco activism. Ignoring the fact that his lips were somehow smeared up around his nose, this guy's left eye was apparently beaten shut. But here's the kicker, they actually left it shut. So you only have ONE eye hole to look out of with this mask. On the other hand, his fake stubble makes for a great abrasive wash cloth. Really helps open your pores!

THE CHARRED SKULL!

If I had to pic one mask to wear out of all these masks, I think I'd have to go with mister charred skull here. Sure, it doesn't look all that great, but at least it's sort of evil looking. Isn't it? Okay, the only real reason I would choose this mask is because it completely covers your head instead of being held on using a thin elastic band. And when it comes to dollar masks, I'm all about the ones that completely cover your head so that there's no way anybody could possibly guess it's you behind that cheap piece o' crap.

LICKY!

This has gotta be the worst of the lot. It's like they couldn't decide what they wanted to make. Is it a skull? Is it a guy with most of his flesh ripped off? Did Frankenstein make out with it and get his lipstick smeared all over it? I just don't know. All I know is that his tongue is hanging out and according to the rules of Halloween, that's supposed to be freaky. Hey don't blame me, blame Gene Simmons or something...

In the end, when it comes to dollar masks there's only one thing that can be said. You get what you paid for.

-RoG-

Wanna see more cheap Halloween crap we've reviewed?
Try these:

The One-Dollar Pirate!

The Jason-X Costume!