Every Halloween I like
to get a wide variety of candy to give out to the Trick or Treaters
(before I go out trick or treating myself that is). I have this
internal fear that one day people will no longer go trick or
treating, so I feel that it is my duty to provide an awesome candy
assortment for those who venture out in the night and visit my home.
Sure, it's fun to think about kids telling their friends, "Oh man!
There was this one house that had an insane variety of candy and
they just dumped it all in our bags! They were so cool!" But it's
also fun to think that this might inspire more of 'em to go trick or
treating the next year.
Now, I must admit...
last year I didn't buy nearly enough candy because I was planning on
leaving very early that night for some Halloween parties 'n what
not. So one kid came up to my house and he was all excited to get
some candy. And he totally deserved candy cuz he had a nice
Frankenstein costume 'n all. Problem is, I was all out and I felt
horrible. Then an idea sparked. I dashed into my kitchen and
returned to the front door with...
BOX OF SPAGHETTI!
You wouldn't believe
the insane amount of joy that the kid emitted upon receiving the box
of spaghetti. He looked like he had just won the trick or treating
lottery. His parents just laughed, but he walked away as happy as
can be. I swear that will always be one of my favorite Halloween
Anyway, since most
people don't give out boxes of spaghetti, let's get down to what
trick or treaters are really lookin' for this year...
So I went to some of
the local stores to stock up on my candy supply for this Halloween
and came home with a big pile o' candy that would make any person
with a penchant for sweets drool uncontrollably. Now while the most
horrific thing about these candies may not be the decorative holiday
packaging, but instead the maniacal laughter of your dentist when he
hands you your next bill, it still shouldn't stop you from buying 'em.
After all, what other holiday gives you the perfect excuse to gorge
on nothing but pure sugar for weeks on end?
First off, we have a
bag of "Blood Drops" bubble gum that's filled with bloody red
liquid goo. It's basically a less cooler version of the old "Skull
Crushers" candies, you know, the skulls that you could crush and
they would bleed candy red ooze. I gotta say though, I do like the
lil' Blood Drops mascot. Just look at him, smiling with innocence.
It's almost like he's thinking, "Tee-hee! I'm bleeding!"
The candies themselves
don't really look that interesting, they could've at least shaped
them more like one of the drops on the package... you know, like a
Hershey's Kiss. Still, they do what they claim to do... taste good
I have many memories
of the Hubba Bubba bubble gum commercials from back in the 80's...
in particular the one where the cowboys face off which one another
to see who can blow the bigger bubble. Of course, the one with the
Hubba Bubba always won. It's just good to see the gum is still alive
'n kicking after all these years. Their new "Scary Shapes" Halloween
gum definitely lookd promising.
Orange gum filled with
black skulls, cats, and bats? How could you possibly go wrong with
that? Now they look great on the package. Well the cat doesn't, the
cat looked like it was kicked from underneath with a giant boot.
Still, will the actual pieces of gum look like the ones on the
Actually, the gum was
more yellowish, but since it's original flavor, it probably doesn't
matter that much. Of the three scary shapes, I'd have to say
the Bat had the most successfully implementation. Scary Skull just
looks like a typical blob of filling. It's also kind of hard to tell
Batty Bat and Creepy Cat apart. Actually, Creepy Cat looks more like
a bowtie than a feline so I guess it's not that hard to tell 'em
apart after all. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is scarier
than a bowtie.
Gummy snacks are a
staple of Halloween. Take any creature, be it a snake, a scorpion, a
bat, a lizard, or a spider and it can be turned into a gummy snack.
And for you foot fetishists out there who can't get enough sole
food (har!), they make gummy feet too.
The fruity Halloween
Gummy Spiders are nicely done and all of 'em taste pretty good,
considering they're just a generic brand from Wal-Mart. One of my
black spiders appeared to be a mutant, because it had a clear
stomach. Perhaps it was pregnant and preparing to have some gummy
spider babies. Well, let's hope they enjoy hatching in my stomach...
Juicy Fruit rules. I
don't know what is is about it, but I could eat 50 pieces and still
want more. The taste is just too good. That being said, you can
imagine my delight when I discovered they put out "Monster Sticks"
for this Halloween!
Well the gum
definitely lives up to its name. That is one big friggin' stick o'
gum. In fact, THAT'S NO STICK OF GUM! THAT'S KONG! Now if you
think a kid is going to put just one small piece of gum in his or
her mouth and be satisfied, you're simply out of touch with reality.
Fact is, they'll shove as much as they can fit into their little
mouths. Juicy Fruit is simply saving them the trouble of having to
open twice as many wrappers by combining a few pieces of gum into
one monster stick. This may be even better than Juicy Fruit's
Juicy Fruit, it's
gonna move ya!
It chews so soft, it gets right to ya!
Juicy Fruit, the taste the taste the taste is gonna move yaaaaa!
Ok, maybe it's not
quite that great cuz that's one hell of a song, but these monster
sticks of gum are still pretty spiffy.
Kit Kat continues with
their successful orange colored Halloween treats again this year.
They're actually white chocolate instead of the regular milk
chocolate that you'd expect from a Kit Kat.
Sure enough, they're
orange as hell. It's kind of weird eating something orange when it
doesn't taste orange. That doesn't change the fact that these Kit
Kats are absolutely delicious.
Is it bad that I just
ate 6 of them?
Ah good ol' Reese's
Peanut Butter cups, where would we be without you? And who needs a
peanut butter sammich when you can have a peanut butter pumpkin
instead? These are a seasonal favorite of mine, because they're just
like regular Reese's cups, only bigger.
I think a rule for any
seasonal candies is that they should always make them twice as big
as they normally are. To all you other candy companies out there,
learn from the Reese's Pumpkins and Juicy Fruit, for they are wise
in the ways of happy taste buds.
A Blow Pop Frenzy, how
could one possibly resist? I've always been a fan of the "Blue
Razzberry" flavored ones, but what really caught my attention was
the "Black Ice" flavor. It was so mysterious that I just had
to buy a bag to find out what the hell it was!
Ah ha! It's
BLACKBERRY flavored! Ok, I'll be honest, I've never had a
blackberry before so I can't say whether or not this thing tastes
just like one. All I know is that it tasted pretty damned good and I
wish they'd sell them individually, because there were only TWO
measly Black Ice pops in the entire goddamned bag!
I was hoping the icy
black blood of the earth would come gushing out of the center of
this pop, but instead it was just more gum. Still, all in all a
damned fine Blow Pop if I do say so myself.
pumpkins, always an easy fallback for a quick candy sugar rush every
October. Problem is, you'll be lucky to find one that isn't mashed.
I don't know if it's because of poor handling during shipment, or
simply because some people love squishing the packages; but at least
half of these things that I've ever bought look like they had spent
the greater portion of their existence underneath someone's boot.
Sure enough, the
marshmallow one was already squashed, but that doesn't make them any
less tasty. Personally, I prefer the caramel pumpkins over the
marshmallow. I'm sorry, but caramel does beat marshmallow in the
battle for sweet supremacy.
And finally, Snickers
is getting in on the Halloweenistic action with some pumpkins of
their own. They have several different wrappers on their pumpkins,
some with shades to signify just how cool they are, and some with
the standard Jack-O-Lantern faces. Either way, it's a Snickers, so
it's gonna taste just fine.
Nice thing is they
actually took the time to put faces on the chocolates, unlike a lot
of other candies (such as the Reese's Pumpkins). They also tattooed
the Snickers logo on its forehead, just to remind you that you are
eating a snickers. After all, most people just shove Halloween candy
their mouths without even wondering what it is. Sometimes they'll
even eat the foil wrapping.
Well, this was
certainly one of the most delicious pieces I've had the pleasure of
working on in recent memory. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go
expunge the frightful combination of chocolate, bubblegum,
marshmallow, caramel, peanut butter, and gummi candy that is quickly
rising up in my esophagus.
If you enjoyed this
piece, check out the all new 2006 candies!
I-MOCKERY'S ULTIMATE GUIDE
TO THE HALLOWEEN
CANDIES OF 2006!
Want to see more
new 2005 Halloween Candies?
Check out the Gruesome Chew-Somes!
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