by: -RoG-

Back in 2012, I made a proposal for Halloween Doritos. While many of my other favorite junk food brands had jumped on the Halloween bandwagon, the Frito-Lay company kept their prized Doritos chips out of the spooky seasonal festivities. It made no sense to me, so I shared my proposal for a "Hallo Cheese" variety of Doritos that would feature three different sections to give the chips the appearance of candy corn. Yes, yes... you can send me my long overdue Pulitzer now.

Cut to 2016, and it appears that the Frito-Lay company has heard my call for Halloween Doritos, and made something very special for this season. The only caveat is that you need to live in Japan to get them... or be willing to pay some hefty international shipping rates to score a bag. But you know what? It's totally worth it. Behold!

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Black Garlic Pepper Halloween Doritos! Holy crapballs! Now THAT is how you do it! These Doritos aren't just a subtle nod to Halloween... they're screaming about it. All these years of waiting for Frito-Lay to get with the program has been absolutely worth it, because now we have something truly worthy of our favorite holiday of horrors.

And just look at that bag design. LOOK AT IT! First off, it's stylized as a mofo. No, your eyes don't deceive you, they actually gave the bag a matte black finish, and then gave the Doritos logo and the chips themselves a high UV gloss coating so they pop out beautifully. Absolutely gorgeous design work. I couldn't be more excited about these if they were delivered to me by Grandpa Munster.

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And just look at the bottom of the package! A foggy haunted castle, behind dead trees and a graveyard, all being swarmed by vampire bats as our black Halloween Doritos float with a ghostly glow in the foreground. I think I need to take this to a Michaels craft store - this needs to be framed!

You may have also noticed the somewhat understated vampire on the front of the the package just below and to the left of the Doritos logo. Thankfully, if you flip the package over, he makes a much bolder appearance:

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Yes indeed, Dracula himself is so tempted by the these Doritos that he's speaking in both Japanese and English to let us know how much he wants to eat them. "I can't eat Garlic. But I want to eat This!!" Honestly, if a vampire like Dracula is willing to risk his life to eat Doritos, then goddamn... I clearly need to give them a try.

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As you can can see, these chips are jet black. We're talking the kind of black that even Spinal Tap would approve of. I was also glad to see that they didn't skimp on the garlic pepper seasoning, as these things are coated in it.

So how do they taste? DELICIOUS. If you're a fan of garlic, you're going to love these. If you're a fan of pepper, you're going to love these. If you're a fan of eating things black as an oubliette, you're going to love these. The flavor just bursts off of these chips, without being too overpowering, and they're just as crunchy as standard Doritos. Seriously, there's nothing like them, and I mean that in the best possible way. I was glad they didn't make these black squid ink flavored chips. Hey, they did it with those Halloween burgers in Japan a few years ago, so it wouldn't surprise me. Besides, given its history with vampires, garlic is far more Halloweeny.

Having tasted them, I'm pretty sure if you brought Dracula these Doritos, he wouldn't act all unappreciative and ask for dip like he did back in that 90s commercial. He'd make you the guest of honor at his Monster Bash party.

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My friends, we have Halloween Doritos. They're jet black. They're gorgeous. Dracula is willing to give up his immortality to eat them. What more do you need to know? All I ask of the Frito-Lay company now is to PLEASE bring them to the United States (and anywhere else in the world that doesn't have them), so they're more easily accessible for everybody.

Also, go ahead and make my "Hallo Cheese" chips too, because you know it's an awesome idea.

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