by: Protoclown

Last year I wrote a piece detailing some of H.P. Lovecraft's infamous Great Old Ones, the horrid, unspeakable, indescribable (descriptions below) monster-deities of his Cthulhu Mythos. While Lovecraft himself only created a few such creatures, many other writers followed in his wake and added their own twisted creations to the collective Mythos. By binding and interrogating a demonic spirit I have summoned, Googul, I have compiled further data on some of them.

Abhoth

The Source of Uncleanliness, Abhoth can often be located inside college dorms and gas station bathrooms. This protean gray liquid mass constantly seethes and poops out horrific monsters, much like the monster generators in Gauntlet. In fact, it can often be heard to whisper tauntingly to its victims "Blue Warrior is about to die" before a horde of its monstrous farticles overwhelms its enemies. It's only weaknesses are rumored to be scrubbing bubbles and Wayne Newton songs sung in falsetto.

Tsathoggua

Tsathoggua is depicted as either a slimy toad-like creature or an angry howler monkey who wishes to pick all the nits and grubs (namely humans) off the face of the planet. His black, goopy servitors are known as formless spawn (not to be confused with Todd MacFarlane's lameass Spawn). During his teenage years he went through an embarrassing phase where he called himself Tsagothua, in which he wore lots of black eyeliner and carved Sisters of Mercy lyrics into his arm to impress the ladies. It didn't work.

Glaaki

Glaaki came to Earth from the far reaches of the cosmos encased in a meteor, the last best hope of the dying planet Glaakton. To better blend in with the locals, he decided to disguise himself as a creature of Earth. Unfortunately, he couldn't choose from between slugs and porcupines, because he thought they were both "pretty cool", so his form resembles that of a mammoth, unconvincing giant blob peppered with metallic spikes. If he stabs you with one of his spikes and injects his "love juice" into you, you become one of his undead slaves, so make sure you insist that he wears a spike condom if things should turn romantic.

Y'golonac

Y'golonac takes the form of a headless fat guy with monstrous tits and a mouth on each hand full of sharp, spiny teeth. Now, you may be asking yourself just how a headless guy got to be so fat, but when you consider his hands have mouths on them, and the fact that he helplessly devours everything he touches or picks up, it all begins to make so much sense. His primary method of "seeing" his surroundings is to lick everything with his handmouths, so you probably don't want to get too close, or at least wear a hazmat suit if you know you're going to be around him.

Bokrug

When he's not tormenting Spider-Man in the guise of the Scorpion, Mac Gargan moonlights as an amphibious deity of a land called Ib. Millennia ago, the football team of bitter rival town Sarnath came to Ib and stole their prize championship trophy, as well as their mascot, a long-legged ibis. They shaved its feathers off and tattooed "Sarnath's bitch" on its flank. The Ibians (Ibbers? Ibbos?) got all kinds of pissed, and so they called in a favor from their scorpio-frog god, who came to Sarnath and leveled the entire town to the ground, but only after single-handedly besting them in an embarrassingly crushing defeat in the championship football game.

Cthugha

Cthugha is a confused star that thinks it's a person, and wants to do all the sorts of things that regular people do, like eat cereal, attach a car battery to its nipples, and pay taxes. For some reason it ended up recruiting a bunch of vampires as its followers (the popular theory involves a classified want ad mix-up). When they asked him if he had the unholy power to make them sparkle, like those dreamy vampires they read about in some books, he set them on fire. And thus were born the fire vampires. You might think he likes burning things up, but his real passion is perfecting various yo-yo tricks.

Zhar

Hailing from Eastern Europe, Zhar traveled the world for many years until he settled down in Japan, making a name for himself by appearing in pornographic cartoons. He appears as a writhing mass of tentacles, he is served by an evil cult of human-like beings called the Tcho-tcho people (who are themselves an offshoot of the Teletubbies). He has a twin brother, Lloigor, who he can "Voltron" together with to form a particularly large writing mass of tentacles. With wings.

Atlach-Nacha

Atlach-Nacha is what happens when you have sex with spiders, which is why that is something you should never do. He lives in a large subterranean cavern under Mount Voormithadreth, located in the heart of the Ice Cream Peaks. His big dumb eight-eyed face pretty much ensures that no woman will ever love him. He is worshipped by the hideous Leng Spiders, and if you've never seen a giant spider kneeling down to worship, it's really kind of freaky. Lot of legs.

That is all for now. To reveal any more would be to draw back the curtain on madness itself, leaving you a gibbering, drooling mess, and nobody wants to clean up that shit, least of all me. Perhaps next year I will be prepared to cast another divination ritual to see into the abyss of darkness and pull forth information on another batch, but I would not count on such things if I were you.

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