by: Protoclown

Everyone who has dated has likely had some bad experiences, dealing with someone who is overly needy or perhaps a dangerously psychopathic lunatic. Some of you may even say that you've dated a real "monster" or two. Yeah, me too. Except that I actually have. Yes, that's right, I've dated quite the array of movie monsters over the years.

It all started my senior year of high school, when I met Julie, who seemed nice enough, if a bit pale and hungry all the time. She got these strange piercings, like glass shards and random bits of metal sticking out of her face and arms, and at first I was like "oh my god, that is so punk rock!", and then I realized that she was a zombie. Turns out that the only way she could refrain from devouring my flesh (and not in a good way) was to cause herself tremendous pain to drive away the hunger. We dated for a couple months, and finally I got tired of the brutal lacerations I received every time we would make out, and the omnipresent stench of rotting flesh grew a bit tiresome. Right before I broke up with her though, she lost control and totally bit me, turning me into a zombie as well, but I went do a doctor and he gave me an ointment and it went away. I don't know why she didn't just do that. Maybe she didn't have insurance or something.

When I first got to college for a very short while I dated this beautiful Japanese woman named Asami. I was really impressed by her emotional depth. We went back over to her place one time though and I was a bit weirded out about the complete lack of furnishings in her apartment. She just had a telephone and a big burlap sack. Oh, and there were syringes everywhere too. I asked her about the sack and she told me she really liked potatoes and I was all like "Yeah, I guess you do!". She didn't want to do anything but sit there and stare at the wall though, and on our second date she asked me to swear that I would love her and only her. Yeah, I'd had enough of that crazy broad. I don't like potatoes that much anyway, so I think it would have been difficult to plan meals together.

For a few months after that, I dated this pale gothy chick with insanely arched eyebrows, which made me think that she must be evil, because I've read a lot of comic books, so I know how this shit goes. Turns out she wasn't evil at all, she was just a vampire. Which at first I was pretty okay with. We sat around and watched horror movies a lot, but eventually her habit of "introducing" them for the audience of only me got to be a little annoying. It soon became clear that we kind of had some personality conflicts--namely, she kept trying to drink my blood while I was asleep. She was a little too skinny for me anyway, but I'm sure it's hard to put on weight when your diet consists only of blood. I can sympathize.

I went on a blind date one time with an alien. Like an actual alien. A xenomorph. I decided give things a chance, especially since an acquaintance of mine told me that with that little mouth within their mouth they're practically built for fellatio, if you can ensure that they're not going to use their teeth, but that seemed a tad risky to me. To be honest, I couldn't even tell if my date was male or female, and the conversation on its end consisted mostly of hissing, broken only by a brief interlude of declaring its undying adoration for Justin Bieber before drooling acid all over the table, so I decided to end it there and snuck out of the restaurant while "going to the bathroom".

I was in Vegas one Halloween, and I didn't exactly "date" her, but I spent a few rough and tumble hours with a prostitute who said that she was a Frankenhooker. Which I took to mean that she was Al Franken's exclusive call girl whenever he was in town. But no, that's not really what she meant at all. She meant that she was an animated corpse built from various body parts. Well, I was totally fine with that! They were, after all, attractive body parts, so long as I could ignore the dumb faces she was making. Everything was going just fine until she tried to kill me, so I cut her head off and threw it down a laundry chute.

Speaking of severed heads, that reminds me that for a while I dated this girl named Jan, who I found in a science lab on campus. Turns out that she had been in a horrible car accident, and a mad scientist had found a way to keep her alive until he could reattach her head to something. (Technically the guy was still a student, but I guess "mad student" doesn't sound nearly as impressive.) So I took her home, and for a while we really hit it off. The only problem is there was really only one sexual thing she could do, and though she was quite good at it (I mean, you're gonna pick up some skills after a while), I sort of felt like I was doing all of the work in our relationship. "Honey, bob my head up and down". "I'm cold, throw a blanket on top of me." "I'm hungry, throw me into that bowl of spaghetti". It got tiring after a while. And boy, did she love to talk. You'd think it was all she could do, which in retrospect, I guess it kind of was. Anyway, I ended up trading her to a trucker for a ride to Kansas City.

And then for a while I dated a southern baptist, but I don't like to talk about that.

I dated the Bride of Frankenstein’s monster for a short while after college. She was separated from her husband who was in jail following an incident where someone yelled "Fire!" in a crowded theater, and he ended up punching an old lady and throwing her through the screen in his blind panic to leave the theater. They were seeing Battlefield Earth though, which actually caused a similar reaction in me. She was kinda hot and I dug her hair and everything, but we couldn't really connect emotionally. Every time I would try to get serious with her about anything, she would just hiss at me, and she never had any opinions or showed any interest in anything.

Oh, and if you ever date a Human Centipede, do yourself a favor and make sure that you date one that has the gender you're attracted to on both ends (or preferably all the way through). And you really don't want to fall for the middle segment. It's hard to do anyway, since you can't really talk to them or get any insight into their personality, but believe me, it can happen. And then it's just awkward for everybody involved. Watching them "experience" dinner can be a bit gross anyway, so I would recommend you do some non-food related activity. Also best not to do anything that requires a lot of walking.

I dated the 50 Foot Woman (yes, the one who "attacked") for about a week, which was roughly the same time I took up rock-climbing. This new interest served me well for the brief tenure of our relationship, but things started to get a bit awkward when she insisted I get to know who she is on the inside. At first I was all about it, I mean who wouldn't be, right? But sooner or later she decides she doesn’t want you to come out at all, and after a while you kind of get tired of hugging a giant tampon, believe me.

And for my most recent experience, I answered a Craigslist ad from an older woman who said she was "Protoclown's number one fan". Hey, that seemed totally great at first, I'm not going to lie to you. I wasn't that attracted to her, but her enthusiasm really appealed to me. Then she commented on how it's been a while since I've written for I-Mockery, and she told me I really ought to do something about that. I said "Oh, sure, it's great writing on there but it's so hard to find the time these days..." That's when she whipped out the sledge hammer and started swinging. I managed to get away... but here I am! I'm back! Writing a new piece! And you're in it! Please don't kill me.

So that brings us pretty much up to date on my history of dating various movie monsters. I'm sure some of you have probably dated some monsters as well. Feel free to share your experiences in the comments below!

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE READER COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!