If there's one thing that a lot of supernatural creatures have in common, it's that they like to bite people. Much like a dog or an ornery child, they just can't keep their damn teeth to themselves. And many of them carry horrible diseases or have the power to convert you into a member of monster society with their nasty, nasty spittle. It's become enough of a problem that I've decided to put together this little guide on what to do if you have been bitten by a "supe" (referring to the supernatural, not superheroes. Everyone knows that superheroes don't bite. Except for Batman).
If you are ever bitten by the Batman, you may find yourself overcome with a desire to buddy up
with millionaire playboys and wear green hot pants. This is how new Robins are made.
Now the first thing to keep in mind if you've been bitten by a supernatural is not to panic. Unless of course you've been bitten by one of the really bad ones... in that case, you're probably fucked, and I wouldn't blame you for panicking. Go ahead and panic to your heart's content, really. Far be it from me to judge, when you've got such limited time left. The second thing to do after you've been bitten by a supernatural is to find a computer with an internet connection, and get to this guide as soon as you possibly can. Don't even bother with a hospital. Do you think they're going to have any idea how to treat you? Of course not. The only thing you'll achieve by telling them you got bit by a Dracula is that they'll lock you up in the loony bin, and then you'll just infect everyone else in there with vampire spores or whatever.
Now let's begin.
Everybody seems to have forgotten in recent years that vampires don't sparkle. They seduce, they bite, they suck (yes, some of them even like that). Of all the monsters on this list, vampires are probably the most bitey of all, but despite that, they're probably also the least dangerous. A lot of people seem to think that if you're simply bitten by a vampire, you'll become a vampire. If this were true, the world would be overrun by vampires in no time flat. And only the stupid vampires will drain you completely dry, killing you. Since they are completely vulnerable during the day, having the cops investigating them for murder is generally undesirable. So chances are, if you've been bitten, you've got one of two scenarios: either the vampire decided to chow down on a random morsel and you just happened to be in the wrong place and time (in which case you'll most likely never see them again), or the vampire has taken a particular shine to you and has decided to make you a special project. In which case you'll probably be seeing them on a regular basis. There could be several reasons for this. Maybe your blood tastes really good. Maybe you're just really hot and the vampire intends to turn you into one of its kind and make immortal sexytime with you. Maybe you're just an extremely convenient pushover who's always available for a snack. Whatever the reason, you've got a problem, and there are two relatively easy ways to deal with this. The first one is to move away from the area. The vampire probably won't bother to follow you if you move across the country. If that's not feasible, I recommend sleeping in one of those deep-sea diving bell suits. It may not be comfortable, but at least they can't bite you.
First and foremost, when a werewolf bites you, right off the bat you have to worry about the issue of rabies. And that's no fun because they have to give you a bunch of shots in the stomach with a needle the size of a goddamned flagpole. On top of that, surprise, you're also now a werewolf. Oh, I guess I probably should have mentioned that bit first. Yeah, the next full moon you're going to go on a naked rage romp throughout the countryside, fucking and/or devouring whatever happens to get in your way. And the worst part is, the next morning, you're not going to remember any of it. You'll just wake up naked somewhere (no, your shredded pants don't stay on - you're a werewolf, not the Incredible Hulk), most likely covered in blood or other unidentified fluids. Kinda like college all over again. There is no known cure for lycanthropy, so it's best to somehow restrain yourself on a full moon, by sleeping in a cage or making sure you get arrested the day prior. Then you're only ragefucking the other inmates instead of innocent bystanders like wrinkly old people.
Zombies are all about eating you, so the only way they're going to bite you one time and leave you alone is if you or someone else manages to kill them or in some other way interrupt their feeding process. If they are not interrupted during the biting process, the good news is you don't have to worry about anything else I've written here. The bad news is that you're dead. The problem is, if you get bitten, you're infected, and pretty soon you'll die and become a zombie. Now the noble thing to do in this sort of situation is to tell your companions that you've been bitten and have one of them shoot you in the brain before you can turn. But let's face it, most of us don't want to go out like that, and if you get bitten you're probably thinking "well, who knows, maybe I'm immune or something". Denial is a pretty powerful force. So the best thing to do is tell no one. Cover up any bite marks as best you can so your companions don't notice. This way, if you do turn, you'll have an immediate food supply right there in the form of your former friends. Also, one of your first orders of business once you've been bitten is to find some cologne or perfume and drench yourself in it. Sure, it'll be obnoxious to everyone around you, but when you turn and start rotting you're going to be a whole lot more obnoxious. The sweet smell of the cologne or perfume will allow you to fool any living humans you run across long enough to get in for a close kill.
If you get bitten by a carnivorous plant, just walk away. It's a plant. What is it going to do?
Okay, so maybe you've been completely devoured and now you're inside the plant, in which case, walking away isn't really an option. In that case, I would recommend trying to tickle the inside of the plant, and see if that makes it spit you back out. Also, if you have a lighter, you could try to set the plant on fire. Surrounding yourself in an engulfed-in-flames environment may not seem very smart, but once you're inside the plant you have to admit that things have already gotten kind of desperate. And maybe you could punch your way out of the weakened-by-fire walls of the plant's skin. Imagine how awesome that would be: Someone walks into a room and sees a giant, toothy, carnivorous plant. Alright, that's already impressive, right? But it's on fire. Okay, that's some next level shit right there. And then they see you, covered in raw plant juices and blood, punch a hole in the side of the plant and walk out, berserk and on fire, and tell me that's not a story they're going to be telling their grandchildren. You'd be a goddamn hero.
A supernatural creature of the Philippines, the Aswang is a ghoul or vampire that steals cadavers and replaces them with the trunk of a banana tree carved in the likeness of the corpse they stole. They can transform into the shape of normal townsfolk - you know what? I'm sorry, I just can't get past the name of this thing. "Aswang"? Seriously? It sounds more like some kind of horrible birth defect than it does a monster. If you get bitten by one of these things, I don't know what to tell you. You're just plain fucked. (In the aswang).
Jiang Shis are Chinese hopping vampires, who seek to steal your life essence, or qi. You don't want that to happen, because I assure you, you are using your qi. They hop around the streets at night, looking for victims. It is said that you can stop a jiang shi by writing a spell on a piece of paper and sticking it to their forehead. This will drive it crazy, as its stiff limbs cannot bend back to pull the paper off of the forehead. I mean, how pathetic is that? If you have already been bitten by a jiang shi and it didn't finish you off, you can reverse the effects and gain your life essence back by dressing in a pink bunny suit and hopping widdershins under the light of a full red moon. Actually, that's not true. I just thought it would look funny to see someone doing that. There is no known cure.
Known in some circles as the Soulless Ones, Ewoks inhabit the forest moon of Endor, so unless you make a habit of traveling to fictional places, you are probably safe from their dastardly dentures. If you are bitten by one of these creatures, you will be infected with merchandising, and spending money on all sorts of movie paraphernalia will seem like a great idea. Other known symptoms to Ewok venom include cold sweats, temporary blindness, cauliflower ear, muscular spasms, explosive diarrhea, broccoli aswang, melting fingernails, incessant yodeling, speckled mudflaps, permanent blindness, hair growth in unusual places, and fellating George Lucas. Legend has it that once an Ewok bites you, he will return to bite you thrice more. Upon the third bite, you will transform into an Ewok yourself. If you've been bitten by an Ewok, you must kill it before it can return to bite you three more times. Doing so will reverse the curse, and turn the Ewok who bit you into a beautiful woman, whom you will then marry (if you are a woman and you're not into women, this could be especially awkward, so try to avoid getting bitten altogether).
So there you have the Protoclown knowledge bomb about supernatural monster bites. Obviously I couldn't cover all the supernatural creatures out there, so if you get bitten by a ghoul, wight, cat, etcetera, etc (Oh, this looks like I've made a mistake, but no, there is an actual creature called an etcetera. Confusing, I know.), you're on your own, I'm afraid. I don't give out all the answers for free, after all. Send me money, however, and I'll tell you any kind of shit you want to hear. I'll even sing it.
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