Back in high school, my
ignorant ass was introduced to Army of Darkness, and at the
time I had no idea that it was actually part three of the Evil
Dead series. I also had no idea who Bruce Campbell was, but I
quickly recognized his natural charisma and knack for physical comedy.
While Evil Dead 2
is my favorite of the series, Army was
my first taste of the wonderful world of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi,
so it will always hold a special place in my mind for that.
I'm aware that there are probably only three people out there who
haven't seen this movie by now, but it's such a horror classic that it
needs to be featured here anyway, however unnecessary that may
actually be. There are just FAR too many awesome moments to focus on
them all, so I'm just going to go over a few of my own personal
favorites that show Sam Raimi's predilection for cheesy and Bruce's
true gift for physical comedy.
The movie picks up where Evil Dead 2 left off, with Ash having
gone through the mysterious vortex only to discover that he's traveled
back to medieval times, and no, I'm not talking about the restaurant.
Ash quickly finds himself captured into a chain gang and taken to a
castle, where he gets tossed into an open pit with an unknown evil
lurking inside. While getting pounded in a hilarious fight with the
creature, a sagely wise man tosses his chainsaw down into the pit. Ash
sees it falling towards him, jumps up into the air, catches it on his
arm and it lines up and clicks into place in one smooth motion.
As soon as I saw this moment, I knew this movie was going to be a real
Once armed with his chainsaw, he makes short work of the beast and
comes back up top where he threatens the locals in a really
condescending way and terrifies them all with his shotgun, which he
calls his "boomstick".
After he's won their respect by killing the creature, he hangs around
the castle for a bit, recuperating and learning what he can about his
situation. During this time he fashions himself a new low-tech
steampunk gauntlet hand replacement, which he can conveniently swap
out with his chainsaw attachment.
He is told by the sagely wise man that in order to go home he must
fetch the Necronomicon and bring it back to the castle. But on his way
there he beset by that faceless evil that pursued him in the first
movie, and he soon finds himself fighting a bunch of mini-Ashes that
manifest from pieces of a broken mirror. They do all kinds of great
things to him like stab him in the ass with a fork and make him fall
onto a hot stove so that he has to scrape his face off.
Then he ends up splitting in two, so we're left with a Good Ash and an
Evil Ash, and this is where he continues to show off his talent for
physical comedy. Initially both Ashes share the same body, so you have
one guy with two heads, and he ends up fighting with himself Three
Stooges style, poking himself in the eyes and punching himself in the
After Evil Ash splits off completely, he taunts Good Ash by singing
annoying little songs calling him "little goody two shoes" and dancing
around while punching him in the face. Bruce Campbell makes some
wonderfully insane faces during this whole sequence and it really is a
joy to watch.
Eventually Good Ash wins by shooting Evil Ash in the face with his
shotgun, and then he ties him down and chops his head off with the
chainsaw. I just love this expression on Evil Ash's face as the
chainsaw is coming down on him.
But of course, that doesn't stop Evil Ash at all, as the head still
taunts him even as he buries it, and he comes back later as the main
villain of the movie. In the meantime though, Ash makes his way to the
Necronomicon and picks it up, but says the wrong mystical words as he
does so, causing all the dead in the surrounding graveyard to rise.
There are plenty of hilarious moments of Three Stooges-style physical
comedy here, but my absolute favorite one is when Ash simply looks
toward the camera with a look of absolute horror on his face right
before a half dozen or so skeletal hands punch him in the face all at
once. It's such a perfect moment (this animated .gif without the sound
doesn't do it justice) that it never fails to crack me up every time I
That's a pretty good (but small) sampling of some of the funnier
moments in the film. I'll refrain from showing any more or giving away
how the movie ends for those of you who haven't seen it. Speaking of
which, if you ARE one of those unfortunate depraved souls,
GET YOUR ASS TO A VIDEO STORE NOW AND RENT ALL THREE OF THE EVIL DEAD
MOVIES. Better yet, just go run out and buy them, for that is
something that is impossible to regret.
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #12!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*
"I'm Talky Tina.
And I don't like you."
The Twilight Zone.
The episode was called "Child's Play" (no, not from the "Chuck"
movies which came later). Telly Savalas was a rotten Step Father.
Talky Tina was a doll. A scary, evil, Murderous doll.
"I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to kill you."
A simple, inanimate piece of plastic. And every time the camera
focused on her unchanging sweet doll face, she got scarier.
"I'm Talky Tina. And you better be nice to me."
And here's some spooky Trivia. The voice of Talky Tina was June
Foray, who not only voiced Rocky the Flying Squirrel, she
was also the actual voice used for Chatty Kathy, the very real,
very commercially available doll on which Talky Tina was based.
THAT is some scary ass shit.
Find all 12 "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a
special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to
email@example.com with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
You must send in your emails by November
5th, 2006 to qualify!
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.
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