by: -RoG-

Now here's one of the few horror movies I was allowed to watch at a very young age: Kingdom of the Spiders! I guess it's partly because I told my parents I was going to become an entomologist when I grew up (eh, writer on a humor site is close enough, right?) and they probably thought this movie might make for good research material. Well, it definitely helped me learn that when you put spiders and William Shatner together in a movie, you simply can't go wrong... no matter how hard you try. I've seen this movie far more times than anybody should, and for some reason it just never gets old. Again, this is probably because of the "Shatner + Spiders" formula.

There's also the "Shatner + Cowboy Hat & Boots + A Cold Brewsky" formula which works very well for this movie too. I mean really, couldn't you just watch the rocket man kick back and down a cold one in his cowboy gear over and over again? I know I could. Plus his name is Rack Hansen. RACK HANSEN! Easily one of the best screen names you'll ever encounter. But that's not exactly horrific now is it?

What is horrific is that the town is being slowly taken over by vicious spiders. Sure, the same basic plot was done later on with a much larger budget in "Arachnophobia", but since this is one of the earliest horror movies I ever saw, it's far more memorable to me.

When the spider problem in town begins to grow out of control, they decide to try having a crop-duster drop poison on them from high in the sky. Sounds like a good enough plan, and when you've got a guy known as "The Baron" doing the flying, you would think that the spiders were finished. Au Contraire!

Did I mention the man has some damned fine pilot goggles? Well he does. After drawing another bug on the side of his plane (he apparently likes to keep a record of all his bug kills) he takes off and prepares to start dropping the poison. Everything goes well at first, but then he notices that he's not alone in the cockpit. In a matter of seconds, he's covered in deadly spiders!

The Baron's reaction to the spiders is one of the most priceless moments ever captured on film. His scream is, without a doubt, the most effeminate high shrill ever to be produced by a male's vocal chords. And you'll have a chance to hear it in a moment. But first, I must show the inevitable result of his hissy fit...

Rack Hansen (god I love that name) grabs his main squeeze and runs out of the way just in the nick of time as the Baron's plane crashes into a nearby shed. Well, I guess he at least he took a few of the spiders with him, but that's hardly going to save the town. I know it's not gory or anything, but here, allow me to demonstrate to you exactly why this moment is so goddamned perfect.

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

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