Halloween

The Greatest Horror Movie Moments!
by: Dr. Boogie

Slaughter High

It would be hard for me to describe everything that's wrong with Slaughter High, so I won't bother. I mean, you can't just cast actors in their mid-30s as high school students and expect people to buy into it! Plus, none of them even sound like they're fluent in English and are just reading the script phonetically! And the music, my god...

Forget all that. All you need to know about Slaughter High is that it's about how the world's dumbest dork named Marty Rantzen winds up the victim of a surprisingly violent prank. A prank which surpasses an earlier prank in the movie that involved shocking a naked teenager with a car battery. And the perpetrator of said prank isn't even a serial killer!

Anyway, pitiable nerd Marty gets a liter of nitric acid thrown in his face and decides to lure his former classmates back to school for a big reunion party (and yes, there are definitely strong parallels between what happened to Marty and what happened to Melvin in The Toxic Avenger). The victims arrive find the school locked up, but lucky for Marty, they decide to wait around until dark before breaking in and eventually working their way to a room deep within the building that Marty decided to spruce up with food, drink, and party favors.

Don't mind me, just drinking a non-poison beer.

At this point, they've been guzzling beers, eating sandwiches, smoking dope, and snorting coke for hours, but things really get exciting when Ted decides to shotgun a beer!

Finally, a way to drink beer without tasting it!

Forget the drugs; it's not a party until someone chugs some watery beer! Woohoo, class of '76!!

Unfortunately, Ted's body suffers from the body's natural reaction to PBR:

Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.

Ooh, I felt the baby kick!

An actor conveys... something.

Everyone loves sausage, but no one wants to see how it's made.

And so, Ted's hernia proved fatal.

Seriously, though, he chugged the beer so fast he didn't notice someone had swapped the foul-tasting beer with mediocre-tasting poison. Can you imagine the disappointment if the intended victims had gotten full off the non-poisoned food and drink? I can, because the poisoned beer can lands amidst a pile of empty, poison-less beer cans.

The most likely explanation: it took so much effort to open the beer, fill it with some kind of green poison, and then perfectly seal the beer can again that Marty decided to just abandon the whole thing after just one can. That explains why he opted for less complicated kills later on, like tricking one of them into taking a bath, and altering the plumbing in the building so that it releases water at first, but then releases powerful acid that dissolves flesh in seconds while simultaneously stopping the victim from making any effort to escape from the tub. And at one point, he stabs a guy.

Cute sweater.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE READER COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

 

Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Sep 18th, 2013, 10:24 PM
cannot believe a certified horrrophile like myself has never seen this work.
Im one good looking Troll
Sep 26th, 2013, 04:01 PM
This is all you want to type about ,seriously?

Click here to return to the Features homepage