A couple years back, I
brought you a classic moment from the horror film
Warlock: The Armageddon.
It was the second film in the series, and while it was significantly
bloodier than its predecessor, the original film was equally
noteworthy. The special effects weren't quite as spectacular as in
Armageddon, but the film still managed to hold your attention with
moments like this one:
The Warlock is on a
quest to reassemble the Satanic Bible and destroy the world. So far,
he's only recovered a third of the book, but those pages have given
him remarkable powers, including the ability to travel through Death
Valley on foot and in an all-black outfit. All in all, his quest is
going pretty well, so he decides to break for a bit and shoot the
breeze with a local boy.
This delightful scamp
has no qualms with talking to strangers. He even lets the Warlock get
in on his handheld football game. His unholy powers are no match for
the child's electronic football prowess, and so he steers the
conversation toward why the kid isn't in church, even though the bells
are a'ringing. He explains that his father's against all that stuff
about "Jesus and his twelve apostrophes". The Warlock explains that as
a witch, church isn't really his scene, and the lad explains that he
can't be a witch because they're girls. The Warlock indignantly
explains "Some are men," and so the kid wants to see his broomstick.
The Warlock explains that he doesn't need a broomstick to fly, and so
the kid asks what he does need.
The Warlock just
chuckles and nudges the kid. A creepier laugh there could not be.
Later, our heroes
Redferne (a witch hunter from the 16th century) and Kassandra (some
dumb girl who drives him places) are temporarily suspending their
pursuit of the Warlock to get some gas. They hear some gunshots in the
distance, and the attendant explains that the locals are going after a
coyote that got some kid from the local trailer park. He explains that
the coyote tore the kid up bad, and that it "took the skin clean off".
The two of them rush to investigate, and Redferne impatiently asks the
dead kid's mother if he was baptized. The mom says no, and Redferne
explains to Kassandra that this is bad news, as one of the most potent
ingredients for a witch is...
Human fat, especially if
it's cut from an unbaptized male child. Sure enough, the Warlock has
cooked up a batch and throws it back like it was a pint of his
favorite ale. He's not doing it for the taste, Redferne explains. That
particular variety of fat is good for one thing and one thing only: "flying
This is why baptisms are
so important people. When there's a powerful archfiend on the loose,
the last thing you want is for him to be able to travel nearly 100 mph
on a tank of kiddy fat. Also, start feeding your kids more fruits and
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