A couple years back, I brought you a classic moment from the horror film Warlock: The Armageddon. It was the second film in the series, and while it was significantly bloodier than its predecessor, the original film was equally noteworthy. The special effects weren't quite as spectacular as in Armageddon, but the film still managed to hold your attention with moments like this one:

The Warlock is on a quest to reassemble the Satanic Bible and destroy the world. So far, he's only recovered a third of the book, but those pages have given him remarkable powers, including the ability to travel through Death Valley on foot and in an all-black outfit. All in all, his quest is going pretty well, so he decides to break for a bit and shoot the breeze with a local boy.

This delightful scamp has no qualms with talking to strangers. He even lets the Warlock get in on his handheld football game. His unholy powers are no match for the child's electronic football prowess, and so he steers the conversation toward why the kid isn't in church, even though the bells are a'ringing. He explains that his father's against all that stuff about "Jesus and his twelve apostrophes". The Warlock explains that as a witch, church isn't really his scene, and the lad explains that he can't be a witch because they're girls. The Warlock indignantly explains "Some are men," and so the kid wants to see his broomstick. The Warlock explains that he doesn't need a broomstick to fly, and so the kid asks what he does need.

The Warlock just chuckles and nudges the kid. A creepier laugh there could not be.

Later, our heroes Redferne (a witch hunter from the 16th century) and Kassandra (some dumb girl who drives him places) are temporarily suspending their pursuit of the Warlock to get some gas. They hear some gunshots in the distance, and the attendant explains that the locals are going after a coyote that got some kid from the local trailer park. He explains that the coyote tore the kid up bad, and that it "took the skin clean off". The two of them rush to investigate, and Redferne impatiently asks the dead kid's mother if he was baptized. The mom says no, and Redferne explains to Kassandra that this is bad news, as one of the most potent ingredients for a witch is...

Human fat, especially if it's cut from an unbaptized male child. Sure enough, the Warlock has cooked up a batch and throws it back like it was a pint of his favorite ale. He's not doing it for the taste, Redferne explains. That particular variety of fat is good for one thing and one thing only: "flying potion".

This is why baptisms are so important people. When there's a powerful archfiend on the loose, the last thing you want is for him to be able to travel nearly 100 mph on a tank of kiddy fat. Also, start feeding your kids more fruits and vegetables, dammit.

Questions? Comments?
Email Dr. Boogie

back to previous page