fight is only slightly less pathetic than Captain America's upside-down
antics a few moments ago. After some
of the most lamentable displays of horizontal acrobatics on a tombstone, Captain
America chases Spiderman all the way to his car... his... uh... Spider-Car? No,
actually it's just some shitty old blue car from the 70's. It's even missing a hubcap!
You'd think a superhero (er... villain) such as Spidey would at least be able to
afford some decent chrome for his ride. Maybe he's just planning on
calling MTV up on the phone in hopes that they'll "pimp his ride"
sooner or later. Yeah good luck with that dream, Spidey. Good friggin'
Spidey is able to get away in the car, Captain America jumps onto the door
and tries to run the car off the road. Spidey just starts punching him in
the head repeatedly until he finally falls off. Awww, don't feel too bad
Captain America, you gave it your best shot and I'm sure you'll get him
next time. Yeah! But what about Santo? Where has that crazy Mexican
wrestler been during all of this action!? I thought he was supposed to be
helping out! Oh wait here he is, doing what he does best:
SHOVING THINGS INTO HIS
I guess they
put Santo on "spy duty" since that spy girl obviously couldn't get the job
done without being captured and bitchslapped into oblivion. Unlike the spy
girl who took photos of suspicious things, Santo skips all the foreplay
and shoves anything he finds directly into his crotch. I swear, if you
whacked his crotch with a stick, it would explode like a piñata - with
goodies scattering all over the floor.
you're as surprised as I am to see that the owner of the establishment
which Santo was snooping around in didn't particularly appreciate the fact
that Santo was shoving some of his possessions into his crotch. He holds
Santo up with a gun and attempts to remove his mask. Big mistake. If
there's one thing I've learned in my travels around this world is that you
should never remove the mask of a Mexican wrestler. "It puts
them into berserker mode." -Chuck Noblet
happens next? Well, after he knocks out the guy, he...
SANTO! STOP SHOVING THINGS DOWN YOUR CROTCH!
NOT EVERYTHING YOU COME IN
CONTACT WITH NEEDS TO
BE STUFFED INTO YOUR GROIN AREA! FOR SHAME!!!
crotch is completely filled with goodies, Santo decides to leave this
place only to find that he's somehow in the middle of a martial arts dojo?
Yeah I don't get it either. I think the filmmakers just happened to have
access to a gym and some guys with martial arts uniforms, so they decided
to throw it in there. Believe me, if these guys are black belts, then I'm
Fat Albert. The whole scene is extremely amateurish as these tiny guys
just bounce off of Santo as he manhandles them. Again, not a single bit
moment of the fight scenes in this film appear to have been rehearsed. Now
if the actors actually had some fighting skills, that might prove to be
interesting, but in this case... it's not.
"Good Guy Headquarters" (hey, have you got a better name for it?) Captain
America and Santo celebrate their jobs well done. Santo celebrates by
wearing one of the most hideous jackets I've ever seen. It's got these
huge red shoulder-pads with black strips of fabric hanging down from it.
He literally looks like he's here to try out for the WWF's "Legion of
Doom" but isn't quite able to make the cut. Captain America, on the other
hand, is lookin' all slick in his GQ suit as he toasts his friends with a
glass of fine liquor. Classy as hell. Now that's a guy America can
actually be proud of! Maybe.
obviously isn't too happy since a bunch of his goons just had the crap
kicked out of them, plus they lost a hostage to bitchslap. Bitchslapable
hostages are harder to come by than you might think. I guess Spidey just
had to blow off a little steam, because he runs out into the middle of the
night to kill off some random woman. This is one of the only times we actually
see him do something sorta like the real Spider-Man would do. He
scales the wall of a house. Ok, he doesn't actually climb it with his bare
hands sticking to it or anything, he climbs up a drainage pipe. But hey,
in a movie this absurdly weak, beggars can't be choosers.
makes his way into the woman's house and finds her in the shower and
strangles her to death. There's two things I never thought I'd see happen
in my life:
1) A monkey
in charge of things at the oval office.
2) Spider-Man strangle a nude woman to death.
that I've seen both, I guess nothing from this point on will come as a
Oh but it
appears I may have spoke to soon. You see, after Captain America and his
crew read the paper to (apparently) learn about the lady Spider-Man
murdered the night before, we cut to a scene in Spiderman's lair. I didn't
even know he had a lair, but there it is. Spidey appears to be pissed at
one of his employees, the guy who Santo knocked out earlier on. And just
what does Spidey do to people who let him down?
can't do this scene any justice so let me just explain what happens. They
have the guy tied up to a post, but instead of giving him the ol'
bitchslap™, a huge plastic cylinder is placed up against his face.
Spider-Man then removes not one but TWO GUINEA PIGS. Do you see where I'm
going with this? No? Fine, just watch...
GUINEA PIG DOOM!
right, those guinea pigs ATE HIS FACE! Death by guinea pigs...
that's gotta be a first in films. Easily a supervillain milestone if I've
ever seen one. So for those of you keeping score Spider-Man has done the
following so far:
woman with a boat propeller to the face
of a makeshift tee-pee and stabbed some guy in the mafia
nude woman to death in the shower
squad of guinea pigs to eat some poor bastard's face
I hate to
admit it, but I think I'm starting to like this Spider-Man better than the
real "good guy" one. Let's see if he can keep the momentum going.
So uh, back
at the local club, we're treated to same gal dancing around with
tassels on her boobs. Guess the filmmakers knew they had a steaming pile
of shit on their hands here, so they had to throw in some cleavage if they
had any hopes of getting someone to rent it. I don't think it worked, but
hey, at least those guys at the bar appear to be enjoying the show.
Spider-Man and Santo are finally fighting together! They invade
some random basement (or maybe it's the "lair" from earlier?) and start
duking it out with more goons. Why there
are blow-up dolls propped up against the wall in the background is beyond
me. Actually, no it's not beyond me, I'd just rather not think about what
they were doing with them, ok?
get to see a sign of real superhero strength as the two lift up the
rear-end of a getaway car. They then let it go crashing right into a wall
and the goons are as good as dead. Unfortunately, Spidey isn't in the car
with them. He's busy putting on those black gloves of his to commit some
more horrible acts against mankind.
as though Spider-Man really enjoyed killing that lady in the shower
earlier on because he's back at it again. Only this time, there's a man in
the shower too and rather than strangle them one at a time, he skewers
them with a metal object. Spidey then steals some little statuette and
runs back to his evil headquarters. I'm not sure, but I think seeing the
man and woman gettin' their freak on in the shower made Spidey's
extra special spider-sense tingle. :(
go on a maniacal rape-fest?
Will Spidey's eyebrows go on a maniacal rape-fest?
Will Spidey's eyebrows hop off of his face and rape him? continue to page
3 to find out!
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