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I-Mockery.com presents:
Action Figure Aberration
by: McClain.
Episode 2: AFA Local News

Steez: Halloween is around the corner. Are your children safe? Plus... Razors in Halloween candy; why don't they taste any better? What are parents doing about the issue? Your news starts now!

You're watching AFA Local 11 News with your anchor, Steez Shizle, live reports from Yertle Pinkus and Shalomar Gonzales, and national weather with Rubber Chicken.

Steez: Good afternoon and welcome to AFA News afternoon edition. It's Wednesday and I'm Steez Shizle. National Guard troops were recently disbursed from Yakuma on Tuesday to mediate the threat of drunken Halloween Ghouls on the prowl. We're joined via satellite by notorious drunk Casey Moto and A.F. Activist Orson Areola. Good afternoon gentlemen. What are your views on the state's response to these creeps on the prowl?

Casey: Steez, it's Ghoul profiling! The police have been doing it for yearsh and now the National Guard wants in on the akshun. People like us never get a fair chance! Just because we specialize in fright and murder doesn't mean we have to be harasshed by authorities when we walk down the shtreet.

Casey is right, Steez. These so-called "creeps on the prowl" were merely teenage Ghoul villain apprentices coming back from the Vietnamese Corner store with celery and AAA batteries. And a few bottles of Jaegermeister. But SO WHAT? Since when is carrying glass bottles a crime? If it's a crime than every Snapple-toting action figure should be thrown in the slammer!

Steez: I don't think it's the glass that got them in trouble, Orson. Casey, you said that this is a form of profiling. But statistically, Ghoul action figures are predisposed to this sort of behavior. What exactly do you think local law enforcement has to gain from picking on ghoulish youth?

Casey: Whose shide are you on wingnut? You know what... Fuck thisshit. I don't need your cocky attitude you stupid wingding. The room is sh-shpinning.

Casey: Wow. I can shee myself in the lensh of the camera. I look like a pirate!


Orsen: Get a hold of yourself! You're making us look bad!

Steez: Too late. Any last words Mr. Areola? We have 15 seconds.

Orsen: Yeah! For the past decade, cops have been picking on Ghouls because we look different than most action figures. This has got to stop! I break out in a sweat every time I see a police officer - and I'm a law abiding citizen! And another thing, you people at Local 11 News are...

Steez: Sorry, out of time.

With Halloween around the corner, the Mayor recently reminded local residents to keep a close eye on their pets and to make sure and bring pumpkins inside after dark. In unrelated news, everyone's favorite Unfunny Fat Lesbo is making headlines.

That's right, this year's Halloween Extravaganza at the Pier has been themed "Rosie O'Donnell". Fat Dyke masks will be the hot trend this year.

Steez: With the drastic decline of gasoline prices, drivers are scrambling to the gas pumps. Low gas prices also mean more automobile sales. AFA News Reporter Shalomar Gonzales joins us live from the General Motors plant. Shalomar?

Shalomar: Thanks Steez. You're correct, automobile sales have seen a drastic increase as of late. This is good news for the local economy - especially the GM plant, where over 2,000 Action Figures are currently employed. I'm here with General Motors employee Chuck Aimster. Chuck, is this increase in sales just a trend?

Chuck: Fuck if I know, Shamolar! I work on the assembly line. Next week I get replaced by some god damned robot! But for the moment, I gets to put eensy weensy pieces of metal together with crazy glue. They calls it "crazy glue" 'cause if you sniff it you go CARAZY!

Shalomar: Haha! That's great Chuck. I bet a lot of the GM employees are keeping a close watch on happenings in the Middle East. Changes in gasoline prices can have a huge impact on GM employment, right?

Chuck: Hey lookie here, man! This is my friend Rodney and his wife Debbie. Debbie's got a ripe 'ol ass, don't she Rodney! Bend over for me like this, y'all! Come on... do it with me! I can't hold up like this forever! It's startin' to hurt my anus! Yeeehaw!

Shalomar: Coming to you live from General Motors... This... Is... AAAAAHHHHHH! Shalomar GonzaGOOOOO!

Steez: Still ahead... We'll take a closer look at tomorrow's weather and we'll talk about all the Ghoul Action Figures that are being confused with deer, resulting in their bloody demise. We'll try really hard not to laugh.

AFANews will return after
this commercial break!


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