YOUR LOCAL NEWS SOURCE...
is around the corner. Are your children safe? Plus... Razors in Halloween
candy; why don't they taste any better? What are parents doing about the
issue? Your news starts now!
You're watching AFA Local
11 News with your anchor, Steez Shizle, live reports from Yertle
Pinkus and Shalomar Gonzales, and national weather with Rubber
Steez: Good afternoon
and welcome to AFA News afternoon edition. It's Wednesday and I'm Steez
Shizle. National Guard troops were recently disbursed from Yakuma on Tuesday
to mediate the threat of drunken Halloween Ghouls on the prowl. We're joined
via satellite by notorious drunk Casey Moto and A.F. Activist Orson Areola.
Good afternoon gentlemen. What are your views on the state's response
to these creeps on the prowl?
Casey: Steez, it's
Ghoul profiling! The police have been doing it for yearsh and now the National
Guard wants in on the akshun. People like us never get a fair chance! Just
because we specialize in fright and murder doesn't mean we have to be harasshed
by authorities when we walk down the shtreet.
Orsen: Casey is right, Steez. These so-called "creeps on the prowl"
were merely teenage Ghoul villain apprentices coming back from the Vietnamese
Corner store with celery and AAA batteries. And a few
bottles of Jaegermeister. But SO WHAT? Since when is carrying
glass bottles a crime? If it's a crime than every Snapple-toting action
figure should be thrown in the slammer!
Steez: I don't
think it's the glass that got them in trouble, Orson. Casey, you said that
this is a form of profiling. But statistically, Ghoul action figures are
predisposed to this sort of behavior. What exactly do you think local law
enforcement has to gain from picking on ghoulish youth?
Casey: Whose shide
are you on wingnut? You know what... Fuck thisshit. I don't need your
cocky attitude you stupid wingding. The room is sh-shpinning.
Casey: Wow. I can
shee myself in the lensh of the camera. I look like a pirate!
Orsen: Get a hold
of yourself! You're making us look bad!
Steez: Too late.
Any last words Mr. Areola? We have 15 seconds.
Orsen: Yeah! For
the past decade, cops have been picking on Ghouls because we look different
than most action figures. This has got to stop! I break out in a sweat
every time I see a police officer - and I'm a law abiding citizen! And another
thing, you people at Local 11 News are...
Steez: Sorry, out
With Halloween around the
corner, the Mayor recently reminded local residents to keep a close eye on
their pets and to make sure and bring pumpkins inside after dark. In unrelated
news, everyone's favorite Unfunny Fat Lesbo is making headlines.
That's right, this year's
Halloween Extravaganza at the Pier has been themed "Rosie O'Donnell".
Fat Dyke masks will be the hot trend this year.
Steez: With the
drastic decline of gasoline prices, drivers are scrambling to the gas pumps.
Low gas prices also mean more automobile sales. AFA News Reporter Shalomar
Gonzales joins us live from the General Motors plant. Shalomar?
Steez. You're correct, automobile sales have seen a drastic increase as
of late. This is good news for the local economy - especially the GM plant,
where over 2,000 Action Figures are currently employed. I'm here with General
Motors employee Chuck Aimster. Chuck, is this increase in sales just a trend?
Chuck: Fuck if I
know, Shamolar! I work on the assembly line. Next week I get replaced by some
god damned robot! But for the moment, I gets to put eensy weensy pieces of
metal together with crazy glue. They calls it "crazy glue" 'cause if you sniff
it you go CARAZY!
That's great Chuck. I bet a lot of the GM employees are keeping a close
watch on happenings in the Middle East. Changes in gasoline prices can have
a huge impact on GM employment, right?
Chuck: Hey lookie
here, man! This is my friend Rodney and his wife Debbie. Debbie's got a
ripe 'ol ass, don't she Rodney! Bend over for me like this, y'all! Come
on... do it with me! I can't hold up like this forever! It's startin' to hurt
my anus! Yeeehaw!
Shalomar: Coming to you
live from General Motors... This... Is... AAAAAHHHHHH! Shalomar GonzaGOOOOO!
Steez: Still ahead...
We'll take a closer look at tomorrow's weather and we'll talk
about all the Ghoul Action Figures that are being confused with
deer, resulting in their bloody demise. We'll try really hard not
AFANews will return after
this commercial break!
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