Features

Chopping Mall! (aka: Killbots!)
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Nerdy Ferdy is in the bathroom trying to figure how how to look cool and build up the nerve to go hang out with everybody else at the party. Hey Ferdy, here's a tip: popping your collar is not gonna do the trick. Fortunately, Greg and Suzie drag Ferdy out of the bathroom and introduce him to Alison and it's nerd love at first sight. Now it's a party!

While the party continues, the three security bots exit the lab and begin going on their security detail by announcing what floors they'll be covering. "Protector 1 going online: level 1." "Protector 2 going online: level 2." "Protector 3 going online: level 3." "Protector 4: I don't exist, I'm just making sure you're still paying attention."

So while most of the kids are clumsily attempting to feign sexual intercourse, Ferdy and Alison are sitting on a couch watching a classic monster movie on TV. It's the classic Attack of the Crab Monsters to be exact, and she seems pretty terrified of it, even though it's not even remotely scary at all. Oh Alison... if only you knew what horrors you're really in store for tonight.

Out in the mall, we see a janitor named Walter working diligently to mop up the dirty floors before the security doors end up locking him in for the night. Hey wait, that's no ordinary janitor... that's Dick Miller! Come on, everybody loves Dick Miller! You remember him from movies like The 'Burbs and Gremlins, right? Well, he gets just as annoyed with the Protector robot as he did with the Gremlins, because one of them pulls up to him and spills a bucket of dirty water all over the floor and onto his pants. "You son of a bitch! I oughta turn you into scrap metal for this!" he yells. It then shoots out a taser which lands on the wet floor, which makes him laugh at how stupid the robot is.

 

Even though he shows his ID badge, the robot activates the taser on the wet floor that he's standing on and Walter is electrocuted in a flashy display of electricity and popping lights. The robot then says "Thank you. Have a nice day." and drives away. Damnit! I was hoping Dick would last longer than that since we were just introduced to his character. Oh well, I suppose few janitors in the history of cinema have risen to the title of "hero". Stanley Spadowski was clearly one of the elite.

After failing to please Leslie in the sack with his magic mouth back at the party, she talks Michael into leaving to get her cigarettes says, "When I'm happy, everybody's happy." She then flashes her fake boobs at him and tells him to hurry back, and I have a feeling Mike lights them almost as much as he likes chewing gum.

Almost.

So shirtless Mike wanders out into the mall and finds a cigarette vending machine when a Protector robot pulls up behind him and asks to see his identification. Mike brought his ID badge with him and shows it to the robot and even says "Klatu, veratu, niktu" when he does so. This guy just keeps getting better and better, which is why it's even more of a shame that they decided to kill him off so early in the movie. Completely ignoring his badge, the robot shoots Mike with a tranquilizer dart and then cuts his throat with one of its gripper arms that looks like one of those "As Seen on TV" Gopher tools.

After waiting a few minutes for Mike to return with her cigarettes, Leslie gets impatient and walks out to find him in her Playboy underwear, as the camera slowly follows her butt cheeks moving from side to side. Another classy shot in an already classy movie. When she arrives at the cigarette vending machine, she finds Mike lying on the ground with blood spurting out of his slit throat. Just as she screams, a nearby door bursts open as the Protector robot who killed him makes its grand entrance.

What follows is an absolutely hilarious chase scene where Leslie runs from the robot while it shoots neon pink lasers out of its eyes at her. At one point, a laser even zaps her right in the ass. Her friends in the furniture store hear the commotion and they run up to the front window to see what's going on.

Rather than continuing to flea, Leslie just stands there screaming and the robots shoots one last laser at her which results in a spectacular head explosion that splatters all over the furniture store window. "Thank you. Have a nice day."

The survivors freak out and make a run for it towards the back of the furniture store to find shelter. Protector 2 then assists Protector 1 in tracking down the "intruders" - and they pretty much decimate the entire furniture store in the process. I wonder if the owner's insurance policy covers "robot rampages" anywhere in the plan. What's really adorable is that they fire "his & hers" pink and blue lasers as they roll through the store! Awwww! I wonder if they'll make a baby Protector robot sometime too. I sure hope so!

In the storage room, the girls make it up into an air duct to escape, but the guys have to run away because one of the robots breaks down the door before they can join them. And how did they break down this door that was barricaded shut? Why, they attached plastique explosives to the outside of the door and detonated it of course! Really? The Secure-Tronics company saw fit to arm mall security robots with plastique explosives too? Sure, why not.

Moving on to yet another completely logical scene, the guys decide they need to fight back against the robots, The guys break into Peckinpah's sporting goods store to arm themselves with some weapons to help fight the robots off. Weapons like shotguns, gas cannisters, and automatic weapons. You know... sporting goods! Nothing like a good ol' mall shop that sells automatic weapons. I told you malls used to be incredible! AMERICA! And as he locks 'n loads, Greg says yet another amazing line: "Let's go send those fuckers a Rambo-gram." Poetry. Sheer poetry.

The guys lure out Protector 1 and have a big shoot-out with it. Nerdy Ferdy then throws out a gas tank towards the robot which they then shoot causing a large explosion that knocks the robot over. They walk up to it and notice it's leaking fluid all over the floor, and they call it "robot blood". Sure guys... whatever helps you forget that two of your friends were already murdered.

Come to think of it, none of them even thought to see what happened to Mike or if he was okay. Sure, they saw Leslie's head get blown off, but did they have to just assume Mike was dead? What a bunch of crappy friends.

Well, the girls weren't even crawling around in the air duct for a minute before Suzie started to completely lose it. "I can't stand this anymore! I gotta get outta here!" Jeez, I'm glad she didn't star in Die Hard. Due to Suzie's insistence, the girls abandon the air duct idea (brilliant) and arm themselves to fight the robots. Linda teaches the others how to make molotov cocktails out of the gasoline cans - yes, they have cans filled with gasoline for sale at this mall too... doesn't every mall? Alison also notices some road flares and stuffs one down her shirt. Hmm, I wonder if that will come into play towards the end of the movie? Nahhh!

While this is taking place, Protector 1 pushes itself up and goes back online. Guess they should've made sure it was really destroyed. You'd think they would've taken out a little more aggression on it anyway, considering it killed their friends. Apparently not.

Elsewhere, the guys are now setting a booby trap on one of the elevators by placing some explosive gas cannisters on top of it. Ferdy, being the nerd that he is, naturally knows how to hack the elevator control panel and bypass the circuit. What... you think a guy with those skills could get a job anywhere other than a furniture store? Pfft!

Since they were stupid enough to not just keep hiding and wait for morning to come, the girls are then chased by another robot. They use their homemade molotov cocktail on it, but it doesn't even phase the think. And why would it? This is a miniature tank made of metal; a small fire isn't exactly going to stop the thing in its tracks. The girls try to make a run for it, but Suzie is shot in the leg and then the robot shoots the gas cannister on the ground next to her. We then see an above shot of Suzie set ablaze. Oddly enough, her gas can is just fine, even though it was supposedly blown to smithereens to set her ablaze. Editing goofs to the max!

There's still plenty more of Chopping Mall to see!
Click here to continue onward to page 3!

 

Reader Comments

 

OLD COMMENTS:

taco loving zombie
Oct 31st, 2012, 01:21 PM
did you complied with protector junior and had a nice day?
an organism
Oct 31st, 2012, 04:00 PM
Those robots look awfully familiar, I swear they've been in at least 2-3 other bad, non-related horror movies.
Basement Monkey
Nov 1st, 2012, 12:09 AM
A classic
Member
Nov 1st, 2012, 01:05 PM
What is it with Paul Bartel randomly appearing in horror movies?
Member
Nov 1st, 2012, 01:12 PM
I remember almost buying this movie on VHS way back in 2002 just because of the sweet artwork, sadly my parents weren't keen on horror movies at the time.
Cranberry Everything
Nov 1st, 2012, 08:14 PM
I love this movie. What other movie can boast cameos from Dick Miller, Paul Bartel, and Bud the C.H.U.D.
And I never would of guessed that a "cutting" laser could shoot full laser beams (in different colors no less). That a beam that merely burns a small area on any other part of the body, would cause a head to explode. And that plastic explosives are standard issue for all non-lethal robots.

Excellent write-up, sir.
Cast "Summon Boat"
Nov 2nd, 2012, 10:32 PM
Great recap! It's been a while since you guys have done horror recaps, and three in a row? It's a pumpkin patch miracle. You refer to Ferdy a few times as "Rick" during the climax, though. I think? It's been a while since I've seen this one. I only even noticed because Rick carked it in the previous scene.

Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov are supposed to be their characters (The Blands) from 'Eating Raoul', after the opening of their brand new restaurant. It's a beautifully insane crossover that makes as much sense as anything else in this movie.
I shot Wilhelm.
Nov 4th, 2012, 02:46 AM
I have an obsession with 80s malls and must see this movie immediately. Also cigarette vending machines! Holy crap, I remember those. Also, I'm old.

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