Cool As Ice - Starring Vanilla Ice!
by: -RoG-

"When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." Take a few minutes to let that statement sink in, people, because it makes about as much sense as the movie "Cool As Ice" does. 1991 was a big year for Vanilla Ice - aka V-Ice, aka Robert Van Winkle, aka V-Winkle - he was already enjoying success from having rapped his way up the charts, then he made a cameo in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze" in which he performed the "Ninja Rap" on stage. Amazingly, he was denied an Oscar for this brilliant, freestyle musical performance, but that didn't stop Ice. He had another ace up his sleeve (though I'm sure he'd call it an "ice up his sleeve") in the form of his first starring role in a movie: Cool As Ice. Sadly for the Winkle man, it would be his last starring role as well. So let's excavate this buried treasure about a rebel rapper who's gonna show the world what he's made of... ICE.

It all starts off in what can only be described as "the dance underground". You know it's a dance underground because it's all dark and looks like it's in an abandoned factory with an inexplicable amount of smoke wafting through each room. Dancing like this has to stay underground because you wouldn't want everybody to learn sweet dance moves like these. And what better way to start off your movie than to throw in some models for no reason whatsoever? Naomi Campbell and Bobbi Brown can grind their bodies all they want, but they simply can't compete with the amazing dance moves of Vanilla Ice.

Really, what do you even call a dance move like that!? The "Somebody just poured a bucket of flesh-eating bugs on me!" move? I swear to god, he needs to write a book or release an instructional DVD set about all of his dance moves. He could give each of them hip names 'n everything and I guarantee it would sell like hotcakes. Winkle, I know you're reading this because you've got nothing better to do, so listen to me: write that book or put out the DVD set and you'll make millions. DO IT!

Also I MUST share this animated gif with you. UberNeuman saw my animated gif of the "Vanilla Ice crazy bug dance" and he created an even better version of it. Behold:


After the long C&C Music Factory-ish intro video is over, we see Ice and his posse leaving the dance underground after another successful night of rap & dance mastery. Before he's able to make his way out, Monique (Bobbi Brown) runs up to Ice and gives him her digits. "Awww yeah!" as Ice would say.

So Ice puts on his bright neon-orange jacket and heads down the highway with his homies on their equally peacockish motorcycles. These guys are clearly badasses who just drift from town to town, find the underground music scene, rock the house, and then move on to the next location. And I'm sure they'd already be headed to the next town if Ice's attention hadn't been grabbed by this chick on a horse. He rides up right next to her with his motorcycle and gives her that classic "Yo, check this out" look of his and then proceeds to do the unthinkable...

He actually jumps the fence with his bike. No ramps. No large gusts of wind. He simply jumps his bike over the fence using sheer force of will. Aside from the hilarity of how impossible the fence-jump he just pulled of really is, it's funny to see Ice act surprised when his stunt freaks out the horse the girl was riding. She gets thrown from the horse and then punches Ice in the gut and makes fun of him. This of course only turns on Ice even more, and he now knows it's his destiny to conquer this exquisite lil' equine enthusiast. When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to mel... actually, no, I'm not repeating that again. Once is already too much.

Ice and company head back towards town and one of his crew starts having problems with his bike. You'd think Ice would be the one having bike problems after that fence jump 'n all, but no, it's the wild stripes bike that craps out on 'em. So Ice starts slowly towing his buddy through town in search of a place to get it fixed.

As they head through the town, they get all sorts of bewildered stares from the elderly and boy scouts and people mowing their lawns. Then they come to a really wacky looking house. We're talking about a place that was clearly influenced by Pee Wee Herman's house, just not anywhere remotely as cool. Well somehow they start talking with the couple that owns the place and find out that they're experts at fixing motorcycles. So Ice and company decide to shack up there until the bike is fixed. Oh by the way, Ice... that baseball cap with the metal plate on it? Impeccable.

To further emphasize just how WACKY this place really is, there's a musical montage of Ice's crew inside the house, each doing their very own WACKY things. One guy is making a peanut-butter, pickle and sardine sandwich. WACKY! One girl is using over-sized salt and pepper shakers to season her blue-colored hard-boiled eggs and there's writing all over the wall behind her! WACKY! But what about Ice? No way, he's not down with that wacky shit. He's too hardcore to engage in such activities. So what does he do?

He stands outside of the house and practices his dance moves with his orange jacket unzipped so ensure that his rippling physique is on display for all to see. Just then, the brown-haired beauty who punched him in the gut earlier on drives by. Ice tries doing some of his best dance moves, but she doesn't even notice him. Now any ordinary man would feel defeated and give up right there, but not Ice. He won't take no for an answer.

Ice walks right on over to the house where she was getting dropped off and it turns out she's with her boyfriend. He finds out her name is Kathy, but being the poet that he is, Ice of course shortens it up to "Kat". Now he knows her name and thus he's one step closer to capturing her heart. Awwww yeah. But how do you get a girl who already has a boyfriend that she loves, even if he is a dick? It's quite simple, you make him look like the biggest loser on earth with a great one-liner. No, not just a great pick-up line, you've gotta use the GREATEST pick-up line in the history of the universe:

"Drop that zero and get with the hero!"

How those words didn't make Kat jump out of her clothes and into Ice's arms is beyond me. Even more impressive, she displays amazing willpower by heading back into her house. Don't worry Ice, she'll come around sooner or later.

Cut to the inside of her house, the audience is forced to endure a high-speed introduction to Kat's family. Fish-eye lens shots and fast-paced movements make up this entire scene. It really serves no purpose whatsoever, unless you consider proving that even the most normal family can look WACKY when you use a weird camera lens and fuck with the speed of the film. Interesting note though, the father in the family is none other than Michael Gross! Man oh man, did he ever fall a long way down the actors ladder when you consider he was in "Family Ties" and "Tremors". Well at least he still has a career in movies, something I can't say for the writer of this flick... or Ice.

Kat and her family gather around the TV to watch a news story about her recent accomplishments. At the same time, Ice happens to be watching the WACKY TV back at the WACKY house. You know it's wacky because it has flowers growing out of its top. Oh Mylanta! That's just too wacky!

Anyway, Ice raises his non-partially-shaved eyebrow when he notices that his latest love interest is on the TV talking all about how she lives her life. You can tell Ice really respects the things she says, and he plans on respecting her over and over again all night long in the near future. Awwww yeah.

Problem is, during the news segment they ask Kat's dad to say a few words about her, and he reluctantly agrees to do so. As he speaks he tries to partially cover up his face, but it doesn't do any good, because at some seedy bar a thug recognizes him. Looks like Kat's dad, Mr. Winslow, is in the witness protection program and the bad guys have just found out where he lives! Oh no! Well, don't go fall off the edge of your seat in anticipation just yet...

Ice and his homies soon check in on the wacky owners of the wacky house to see how the motorcycle repairs are coming along. Instead of fixing it, they've managed to disassemble it into a thousand pieces. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S SO GODDAMNED WACKY I ALMOST SHIT MY WACKY PANTS RIGHT WHERE I'M WACKY STANDING!!!!

All wackiness aside, it looks like they're gonna be stuck in town for a while, which only means Ice will have more time to get his freak on with Kat. So he heads back across the street to Kat's house. Or in his own words, "I'm gonna go across the street and, uh, schling a schlong." There's a point when I stop asking questions. That point is now.

I also guess Ice brings a change of clothes with him wherever he goes, because he's now in one of the most amazing outfits you'll ever lay your eyes on. The flashy pants alone already do enough damage, but his leather jacket is like a look into Ice's mind.

It's covered with his favorite words and phrases including:


And there you have it, the many deep thoughts (including the word "deep" itself) that travel through the seemingly bionic mind of one Vanilla Ice. For the record, I think I lost count of how many times he said "yep yep" in this movie.

While at her house, Ice finds out from Kat's mom that she isn't there, and even if she was, it's clear that her mom doesn't approve of how Ice looks. Fortunately, Kat's little brother Tommy tells him that she went to the Sugar Shack club. Ice then leaves and bumps into two thugs waiting on the street, eating their lunch. These guys aren't exactly discreet about the fact that they're in town to collect on some cash that they believe Mr. Winslow owes them. But to Ice, they're just a couple of schmucks in suits who don't wanna give him directions to the Sugar Shack. Mr. Winslow notices Ice talking to the two thugs and now assumes that he's working with them. No Mr. Winslow! You've got it all wrong! Ice is one of the good guys! Really! You'll see!



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