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Count Pop Takes a Blind Date to Venice Beach!
by:
-RoG-

...CONTINUED

COUNT POP: HEY LOOK! I'M WALKIN' LIKE AN EGYPTIAN! WELL I THINK THIS IS HOW THEY WALKED AT LEAST! I DON'T REMEMBER THE BANGLES PERFORMING WITH ALL THEIR JIGGLY PARTS HANGING OUT THOUGH, BUT MAYBE THAT'S HOW THEY GOT FAMOUS TO BEGIN WITH! I'D WALK LIKE A TOPLESS EGYPTIAN, BUT I THINK I'D NEED TO GET SOME GROOVIN' IMPLANTS BEFORE I DID! THAT'S OK THOUGH, COUNT POP LOVES HIS A-CUPS BECAUSE AN "A" IS THE BEST GRADE YOU CAN GET ON YOUR REPORT CARD AND THEREFORE A-CUPS ARE THE BEST KIND OF BOOBS YOU CAN HAVE TOO!

COUNT POP: HANDWRITTEN PRESCRIPTIONS FOR MEDICAL MARIJUANA FROM RANDOM STRANGERS ARE TOTALLY LEGAL ON VENICE BEACH! DO YOU KNOW ANY OTHER MEDICAL DOCTORS WHO TAKE THE TIME TO COME SEE THEIR PATIENTS AT THE BEACH? THAT'S THE MAGIC AND GLORY OF HERBALOLOGY!

COUNT POP: I WISH I COULD CRAP MONEY LIKE THE BUTTOCKS ON THIS T-SHIRT! THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK SO HARD AT BEING A SUPERSTAR! OH WHO AM I KIDDING? I DON'T WORK HARD AT IT, IT JUST COMES NATURAL WHEN YOU'RE A ROCKABILLY VAMPIRE FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS WITH A GUITAR AND A DREAM!

POP BRIDE: LOOOKEEE! I SPY A SPIDAH WITH MY EYES!

COUNT POP: WAY TO GO, BABY BOO! SPIDERS KNOW HOW TO SPIN A WEB OF FUN, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, BUT I'VE GOTTA GO WITH THIS "SPECIAL MISSION ACTION SET" BECAUSE THAT'S ME! I'M ALWAYS ON A SPECIAL MISSION TO BRING ACTION TO THE MASSES! ACTION, POODLE SKIRTS AND A ROCKIN' GOOD TIME!

COUNT POP: YES! THERE IS A GOD! A GOD WHO I WILL FOREVER CALL "MR. AMERIPANTS" BECAUSE THESE ARE THE GREATEST PANTS IN THE HISTORY OF PANTS! AND I SIGNED UP FOR A CLASS BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL CALLED "THE HISTORY OF PANTS - AN AMERICAN LEGEND OF VALOR AND PRIDE" WHEN I WAS KICKED OUT OF SHOP CLASS FOR BUILDING A SPEEDY HOT-ROD INSTEAD OF A LAMP - SO I SHOULD KNOW! VENICE BEACH, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A SATISFIED CUSTOMER! SOLD!

COUNT POP: GOODBYE GREY PANTS, HELLO RED, WHITE AND BLUE! 'CAUSE NOTHIN CAN HOLD ME WHEN I WEAR YOU! IT FEELS SO RIGHT, IT CAN'T BE WRONG, ROCKIN' AND ROLLIN' ALL WEEK LONG!

COUNT POP: THESE HAPPY PANTS ARE YOURS AND MINE!

COUNT POP: I'M NOT TOO SURE WHAT REGGAE IS, BUT IF IT HAS A ROCKIN' DRUMBEAT WITH HIGHLY ENERGETIC VOCALS, I'M SURE THE KIDS WILL LOVE IT! REGGAE IS FOR CHILDREN, AND BENGAY IS FOR GROWN-UPS WITH ACHES AND PAINS!

COUNT POP: I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE MADE OF CHOCOLATE. I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE MADE OF PIZZA. I HAVE EVEN SEEN PEOPLE MADE OF ROCK & ROLL ( LIKE ME!)... BUT UNTIL TODAY, I NEVER SAW ANYBODY MADE OUT OF GOLD! HEY, IF HE IS THE GOLD MAN, WHY DOES HE NEED OUR DONATIONS? CAN'T HE JUST MELT HIMSELF DOWN AND SELL HIMSELF FOR MONEY? IF I WAS MADE OF GOLD, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD DO! OH WELL, I STILL HAVE ENOUGH GOLD IN MY LIFE WITH ALL OF MY SOLID GOLD HITS SUCH AS "BOOGIE 'TIL YOUR BONES FALL OFF", "SHAKE YOUR SKULL" AND MANY MORE WHICH CAN BE FOUND ON MY GREATEST HITS ALBUM FOR $606.79 (PLUS S&H)! I GUESS I CAN SPARE A LITTLE CASH TO TURN OUR GOLD FRIEND ON. I JUST HOPE THE "TURN ME ON" SIGN IS A MEANS TO ACTIVATE HIM AND NOT MAKE HIM ROMANTICALLY OBSESSED WITH ME, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY GOT A DATE!

GOLD MAN: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KA-POW!

COUNT POP: WHOAH! HE MOVED! I DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY COATED WITH METAL COULD MOVE! EXCEPT THAT "DESTRO" GUY FROM GI-JOE! HE COULD ALWAYS TALK EVEN THOUGH HIS FACE WAS MADE OUT OF SILVER. MAYBE THIS GUY IS HIS COUSIN? EITHER WAY, YOU'RE AOK IN MY BOOK, GOLD MAN!

COUNT POP: I AM NOT SURE WHAT THIS LADY'S NAME WAS, BUT HER MUSIC WAS GREAT. I THINK HER BAND MIGHT BE CALLED "ROCKABILLY HAIR EXPLOSION" OR "VENICE BEACH ELECTRIC BOOGALOO"! GO FIND HER AND PUT ON HER HEADPHONES - YOU'LL HEAR SOME GROOVY GOOD MUSIC AND THEY'LL KEEP YOUR EARS NICE AND TOASTY!

COUNT POP: ZOLTAR IS A MIGHTY WIZARD FROM ANCIENT TIMES AND WHILE I THOUGHT ABOUT WISHING FOR HIM TO MAKE ME "BIG", I REMEMBERED I'M ALREADY A BIG STAR ALL AROUND THE WORLD, SO I LET HIM GIVE MY SUPER LADY A FORTUNE INSTEAD!

COUNT POP: AFTER SOME MYSTICAL INCANTATIONS AND WIZARDISH SPELL SPEAKINGS, ZOLTAR MADE THAT LIL' FORTUNE SKEEDADDLE ITS WAY OUT OF THE MACHINE AND INTO OUR WELCOMING AND AWESTRUCK ARMS!

COUNT POP: AND ALL ALONG I THOUGHT HAPPINESS WAS LIKE "INTERGALACTIC SPACE DOLPHINS" - TURNS OUT IT'S LIKE A SUNBEAM! EITHER WAY WE HAVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO ENJOY THIS VERY DAY. THANK YOU ZOLTAR, THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISDOM AND FOR SPREADING GOOD FORTUNE INSTEAD OF STD'S!

COUNT POP: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THIS LEMONADE IS LIKE HAVING A BUNCH OF ICE COLD PENGUINS SLIDE DOWN MY ESOPHAGUS AND TURNING MY STOMACH ACIDS INTO A SOOTHING POOL OF COOL MOUNTAIN WATER!

POP BRIDE: LEMONS ARE YUMMAY IN MAH TUMMAY AND NOT FRIGHTENING LIKE THE MUMMAY!

COUNT POP: DON'T WORRY, IF THERE IS EVER A MUMMY IN YOUR TUMMY, I'LL SCARE HIM AWAY WITH MY FEARSOME FISTICUFFS!

COUNT POP: I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW ALL MY LIFE, BUT IT TURNS OUT THERE IS NO POT OF GOLD! THERE IS SOMETHING MUCH BETTER! IT'S A MAN MADE OF RAINBOWS - OR AT LEAST HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS OF RAINBOW-COLORED BEADS! HIS PANTS ALMOST RIVAL THE FANTASTICNESS OF MINE. ALMOST! SKITTLES - TASTE THE RAINBOW MAN!

COUNT POP: CAUTION! THIS MANNEQUIN LIKES TO RUB HER BUTTOCKS AGAINST THE METAL RAILINGS OF VENICE BEACH! PLEASE PROCEED WITH EXTREME BEACH BUTT BONGO BOPPIN' CAUTION!

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO PAGE 4
OF THE COUNT POP STORY!


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