by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

PEOPLE THINK AREA 51 IS IN NEVADA, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT "THEY" (THE MAN, THE GOVERNMENT, THE BIG CHEESE) WANT YOU TO THINK! THE TRUTH IS, ALIENS ARE WITH US AND THEY LIVE IN PASADENA AT THE ROSE BOWL FLEA MARKET AND THEY'RE TINY AND SOMETIMES THEY'RE NAKED AND THEIR BODIES HAVE THE SAME SKIN TONE AS OURS EXCEPT FOR THEIR GREEN HEADS AND SOMETIMES THEY DRESS LIKE SANTA CLAUS EVEN THOUGH IT'S A THOUSAND DEGREES OUT AND SOMETIMES THEY ASK YOU TO TAKE THEM TO YOUR LEADER BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A LEADER BECAUSE YOU'RE COUNT POP AND YOU ANSWER TO NOBODY BUT THE HEART OF ROCK & ROLL AND THEN THEY MAKE POUTY FACES AND YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE SORRY, BUT YOU'RE REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN PURCHASING THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE REALLY JUST A COUPLE OF PLUSH ALIEN TOYS, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT "THEY" (THE MAN, THE GOVERNMENT, THE BIG CHEESE) WANT YOU TO THINK! THE TRUTH IS, ALIENS ARE WITH US AND THEY LIVE IN PASADENA AT THE ROSE BOWL FLEA MARKET AND THEY'RE TINY AND SOMETIMES THEY'RE NAKED AND THEIR BODIES HAVE THE SAME SKIN TONE AS OURS EXCEPT FOR THEIR GREEN HEADS AND SOMETIMES THEY DRESS LIKE SANTA CLAUS EVEN THOUGH IT'S A THOUSAND DEGREES OUT AND SOMETIMES THEY ASK YOU TO TAKE THEM TO YOUR LEADER BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A LEADER BECAUSE YOU'RE COUNT POP AND YOU ANSWER TO NOBODY BUT THE HEART OF ROCK & ROLL AND THEN THEY MAKE POUTY FACES AND YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE SORRY, BUT YOU'RE REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN PURCHASING THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE REALLY JUST A COUPLE OF PLUSH ALIEN TOYS, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT "THEY" (THE MAN, THE GOVERNMENT, THE BIG CHEESE) WANT YOU TO THINK! AND THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU JUST READ THE SAME THING TWICE AND HAVE THEREFORE CLEARLY ALREADY BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE ALIENS!!!!

WHAT A GAS! IT'S A BLAST FROM THE PAST! GARBAGE PAIL KIDS AND FRIGHT FLICKS TRADING CARDS! DO YOU THINK THE BUBBLEGUM IS STILL TASTY? HA! TRICK QUESTION! THE BUBBLEGUM WAS *NEVER* GOOD! KEEPING YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU AROUND THE POPSTER IS A MUST OR YOU'LL BE LEFT TO RUST IN MY DUST!

THE MUNSTERS KID, EDDIE, TOTALLY STOLE MY HAIRDO, SO IN TURN, I'M STEALING THIS BOX OF COLLECTOR CARDS! JUST KIDDING, KIDS! COUNT POP NEVER STEALS! COUNT POP NEVER SQUEALS! COUNT POP FINDS THE HOMELESS HOBOS AND COOKS THEM TASTY MEALS!

ONE OF COUNT POPS MANY ADORING FANS! I KNOW YOU'RE A FAN, BUT BACK OFF BUCKEROO! TOO MUCH EXPOSURE TO COUNT POP HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE FANS TO BOOGIE 'TIL THEY DROP, AND YOU STILL HAVE MANY YEARS TO SKEEDADDLE AROUND THE GLOBE TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THE KING OF BOP!

ALL TRULY POWERFUL EVIL WIZARDS ARE EVENTUALLY IMPRISONED IN SNOW GLOBES AND ATTACHED TO CERAMIC DRAGON PLATES FOR ALL ETERNITY! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, WATCH THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF "LORD OF THE RINGS PART FOUR: RETURN OF THE KING WHO ALREADY RETURNED ONCE BUT FELT LIKE THOSE LITTLE HOBBIT DUDES GOT TOO MUCH CREDIT THE FIRST TIME AROUND, SO HE DECIDED TO RETURN AGAIN AND PRETEND THAT THERE WAS SOME GREAT EVIL THAT HE AND HE ALONE PUT AN END TO, BUT EVERYBODY CAUGHT ON TO HIS SHENNANIGANS AND TOLD HIM TO GO LIVE IN A TREEHOUSE, BUT THEN HE ARGUED "THEY'RE CALLED ENTS, SO YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED IT AN ENTHOUSE!" AND THEN ALL THE PEOPLE IN HIS KINGDOM POINTED AND LAUGHED AT HIM FOR BEING SUCH A NERD AND HE WAS FOREVER BANISHED!"

IT'S A LONG MOVIE TITLE, I KNOW, BUT IT'S ONE OF COUNT POP'S FAVORITE MOVIES! I ALWAYS MAKE PEANUT BUTTER ON LEMBAS BREAD SANDWICHES WHEN I WATCH IT!

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY MODELED A SKULL MUG AFTER OL' COUNT POP'S SKULL! YOU GUYS GOT THE TONGUE RIGHT, BUT YOU MADE THE FANGS A BIT TOO LONG! IT'S TRUE THOUGH, MY HEAD DOES CONTAIN SOME TASTY FLAVOR-AID THAT YOU ARE ALL WELCOME TO COME DRINK WHENEVER YOU'RE FEELING PARCHED!

DEAR MISTER CHOPPER-RIDING BALD EAGLE PATRIOT,

ON BEHALF OF ALL THE AMERIPANTS™ WEARING POPSTERS OUT THERE, WE PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED STATES OF OUR MOTORCYCLE-RIDING AVIAN PALS! MAY THE WINGS OF LIBERTY NEVER LOSE A FEATHER!

LOVE,
-COUNT POP AND THE OTHER AFOREMENTIONED POPSTERS OF ROCKERICA!

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR, MR. RARE TRADING CARDS SELLER GUY! THIS IS NOT THE TOPPS C-3PO ERECTION ERROR CARD FROM 1977 THAT WE ALL LOVE AND ADMIRE! SELL THE RIGHT ONE BEFORE YOUR PANTS CATCH ON FIRE!

KAPOW! KABLAMO! HAHAHAHA! THIS ISN'T A CANNON! IT'S AN OLD STAGE LIGHT WITH COLORFUL FILTERS! I HAD OCCULAR SURGERY SOME YEARS AGO AND NOW I CAN FLIP A SWITCH THAT MAKES COLORFUL FILTERS APPEAR OVER MY EYES TOO! NEXT YEAR I'M HAVING THEM INSTALL A FILTER THAT MAKES ME SEE NOTHING BUT GUPPIES AND ALIENS. THEY LIVE!

I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING DOWN, BUT REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE A PAL IN POP! DON'T POUT OR YOU'LL GET GOUT WITHOUT A DOUBT!

WHAT'S BETTER THAN XMAS TREES? COUNT POP ADORNED WITH FESTIVE LIGHTS! HAPPY MERRYWEEN EVERYBODY! I HOPE YOU BOUGHT ME SOMETHING GOOD!

ALF EATS CATS BUT T-REX EATS ALF! THIS IS THE GREAT CIRCLE OF LIFE! THAT SHOW WOULD'VE BEEN EVEN BETTER IF IT REGULARLY FEATURED FURRY ALIEN BATTLES WITH DINOSAURS, DON'T YOU THINK?

Oh but there's still much more!
CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO
PAGE 3 OF COUNT POP'S STORY!