You’ve seen enough movies and TV shows about the mob to know that they employ the best people for cleaning up after a mess. Unfortunately, you don’t live anywhere near New Jersey, so checking in with the Sopranos is out of the question. You struggle to think of what else you know about Italian American culture, but nothing else is coming to mind. Finally, it strikes you as you are watching TV through a pawnshop window. You decide to head to a popular Mafioso hangout, and you know just the one.

"OVERPRICED AND CRAPPY! DIG IN!"

You arrive at the Olive Garden shortly thereafter. You get your crew a table near the one of the windows, and as you are looking through the menu, you think of how you’re going to find out about all the good mafia cleaners. When your waitress comes to take your order, you make full use of your three years of high school Italian to try and divulge the information from her. She informs you that she’s Korean, not Italian. You remind her that at the Olive Garden, everyone’s Italian, but she just asks you if you are ready to order. Still, you try one last time. Unfortunately, the best you can do is to use a terrible accent and tell her that “that’sa spicy meat-a ball!”

You decide to cut your loses and order up some food. It arrives in good time, and you are about to dig in when your waitress’s face completely white.

“Wait, is that guy actually Italian?” she says, pointing to Giovanni, one of your former cellmates. You give her the same line about everyone being Italian, but halfway through it she smacks you in the back of the head.

“You don’t understand. Yes, everyone is Italian at the Olive Garden, but authentic Italians are even more Italian, making them into a sort of ϋber-wop!”

You tell her that she’s only fanning the flames of hatred by using that ethnic slur. As you are telling her, however, you notice that something is indeed happening to Giovanni.

In a scene reminiscent of the Wolfman, he bursts out of his shirt and begins to transform. His gut enlarges, his hair grows into a thick, curly mass, and he develops a thick mustache. Out of nowhere, he produces a chef’s hat and places it on his fat, Italian head. He then begins to speak, with an accent that’s even thicker than his moustache.

An artist's rendition of Giovanni post-transformation.

“Hey there-a my friends! You call-a dis slop a real-a meal? Is not Italiano! No, no! I make-a you a nice-a pizza!”

He snatches up a tremendous amount of dough from the kitchen and begins flipping it above your heads. Unfortunately, he misses on the third catch, and the thick dough covers your head. You hear him say, “oops-a,” as you struggle with the dough, but it’s no use. You are soon smothered by the stereotypical Italian food.

START OVER, DINGLEBERRY DOUGHBOY!