You think you’ve committed enough crimes for the week; so robbing the grocery store is out of the question, and you swear that you don’t know where those nude photos of Abe Vigoda came from, so you’re not selling those. Plus, Cletus got hungry and chewed up your bean while you were thinking of a new plan, so all you can do is hope that the chump change in your pocket will be enough to buy supplies from the extremely cheap (some might say, “ghetto”) grocery store in the crappy part of town. Oh well, you say to yourself, it will be like a homecoming for some of the convicts.

Luck is on your side, as it turns out that one of the convicts, having been convicted of attempting to rob the store, knows exactly how to get there from here. You ask him why he would bother to rob a store in such a poor part of town, and he says that he was trying to work his way up to better stores, perhaps some day getting the chance to rob a K-Mart. He says that his fatal flaw lied in his trying to both hold the gun and carry out an economy-sized box of Fruit Loops at once. You sigh, realizing that you haven’t chosen the brightest convicts to escape from prison with. Regardless, for time being, you won’t need them to carry out any illegal acts, although the night is still young…

Generic Brands. For when the dollar store is too expensive.

You arrive at the store with some minor difficulty, as late last year, the store had to sell its sign to stay in business, and replaced it with a piece of laminated posterboard. Inside, you can see a handful of people milling around despite the insufficient lighting (they had to sell the fluorescent light bulbs back in ’92). Thankfully, all the candy they have is very cheap, in part because it doesn’t have a well-known brand name, and in some cases it has no name at all, but also because some of the candy is from Halloweens of years past. You’re not feeling picky, though, so you grab what’s cheap and what doesn’t have a smell coming off of it. Toward the end of your shopping, you are ecstatic because you’ve discovered the very first bag of candy corn every made, and it’s on sale!

You and your crew carry armfuls of inexpensive crap food to the cashier. It takes a while for him to total your purchase, as the store has an abacus nailed to a safe in place of an actual cash register. To your surprise, your total is only $5.00, leaving you just enough money to go buy some nice party supplies over at the equally destitute party supply store. Yes, you will have a spectacular low-budget party just so long as no one dies from consuming your aged, off-brand, non-FDA approved candy and soda. Everything is going well until the cashier gives you your change.

He looks up and recognizes the member of your party who directed you to this store in the first place. He remembers him as the moron who tried to rob the store a few years, but dropped his gun when he tried to get out the door with the mammoth box of cereal. The convict chuckles to himself, saying that ironically, it was the stale cereal in that stopped the bullets that the cashier sent his way. This time, the cashier decides not to wait for the cops. He pulls out a shotgun from behind the counter, points it at the convict, and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens, and the cashier reminds himself that he had to sell all his shotgun shells to buy the tattered uniform he’s wearing. You laugh and race to the door. Unfortunately, you forgot that you needed to pull the door open, and you slam into it. Your arm suddenly feels warm and wet, and you look down to see that the bag of candy corn you were carrying has broken open, and the granite-like pieces of candy corn have punched into your chest. Cletus tells the cashier to call and ambulance, but the cashier says they couldn’t afford to have phones installed. You are tired of hearing that running gag, and you let the blood loss overtake you.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE BLOODLETTING, START OVER!