Potato chips, Halloween candy, and DOOM!!!

Well, you’ve already been to jail once, so you might as well commit some more crimes while you’re out. You figure that you’ve got enough on you to at least hold up that cocky bastard working in the produce section. Who does he think he is, rolling his eyes at you just because you wanted to know how fresh the cauliflower was? Anyway, if the knife doesn’t do it, the two nude photos of Abe "The Fish" Vigoda will surely do. Yes, with a plan such as this, how could you possibly fail? You explain the plan to the other convicts and your two other lackeys, and set off.

When you get to the store, you tell your men to spread out and cover the exits, while you go over your lines one more time before the big moment. Finally, you work up the nerve to go through with your plan. You grab the clerk and tell him that you are robbing grocery store, and that if he calls the cops or puts up any kind of resistance, you will have to “cut him good” with your knife. He says that he’ll cooperate however he can, but that you are actually in the McDonald’s adjacent to the store. You kick yourself for not looking closely at the sign out front, and decide to use that $7.58 to buy yourself some food.

You finish your meal quickly and share your leftover fries with the inmates. Now, though, it is time for your second attempt. Fortunately, you convinced the McDonald’s cashier by telling him that if he lets you go, you won’t tell anyone about him emptying the grill’s grease trap into the milkshake machine. You get everyone together again and explain to them your new plan for robbing the grocery store. The real grocery store this time.

You proceed next door to the grocery store. You send your men out with a list of things to get and put into carts while you check out the locations of the security guards. Things are delayed slightly, as your crew has some difficulty deciphering your handwriting. You tell them that it doesn’t matter, and to just fill up several carts with food and drinks, or failing that, things that could be mistaken for food or drinks in bad lighting. Cletus tries to get a package of E.L. Fudge cookies, but the elf tells him what they really put in them at the factory, and Cletus immediately returns the package to the shelf.

Finally, you get all the carts to the front and into the checkout lines. When the cashier asks how you’ll be paying for them, you tell her that you won’t, and give the signal to the rest of your team to break for the doors. Two guards attempt to block your path, but you quickly draw the Abe Vigoda photos and press them into the guards’ faces. They scream for a moment, and then burst into flames. You wonder for a moment what they had against Abe’s shapely figure, but then remember that you have a job to do, and proceed out the door.

Things are going well as you navigate the parking lot with your shopping carts full of candy and other assorted goodies. You see one of the fatter guards come racing out the store’s exit, then promptly stop and pant like a dog. You and your crew have a good laugh at his expense until he starts shooting. Fortunately, you are well outside of the effective range of his crappy revolver. You hear a loud clang behind you, and hear Cletus say that a bullet knocked one of the wheels off his cart. His cart swings about wildly before colliding with another one. Both carts begin to tip over, and you see out of the corner of your eye a bottle of the new blue Pepsi falling to the ground. Your first thought is that blue Pepsi is terrible, and that you should reprimand Cletus, but you see that the bottle cap has come loose, and the contents of the bottle are pouring onto an economy-sized package of pop rocks. You chuckle, remembering the old urban legend about pop rocks and soda. That is, you were chuckling, before you see a blinding flash of light from the spill and feel your body being crushed by the 15-megaton blast.

The end result of putting a hillbilly in any situation.

START OVER, MIGHTY BOMBJACKASS!