"I'll swallow your soul! Tee Hee!"

You decide to go with the “Scary Teddy pastel cloud of enchanted rainbows” option because those were the things that you were scared of most when you were a kid. A few days after you place your order at the shop, a package full of adorable, brightly-colored characters arrives at your house, and you decorate, assured that this will be your greatest Halloween party ever, or at the very least a far cry from last year’s Horrors of the Lunchroom theme.

For a while, everything seems to be going well. Your guests seem to be sufficiently scared, although whether they’re scared of the decorations or of the weirdo who put up the decorations has yet to be determined. Things take a turn for the worst an hour into the “party.” As you are trying out all of your best cliché one-liners on a woman dressed as Clarice from Silence of the Lambs, one of your guests inadvertently bumps into one of your Carebear lamps, and the combination of the heat from the lamp and the ultra-flammable Big Bird costume turns him into a human torch. He frantically races about and slips in a puddle of vomit from a guest that stared at the Rainbow Brite picture for too long. Flames leap up and onto the medley of pastel-colored tissue paper hanging all over the place.

Within seconds, the entire floor of the house is ablaze. You deftly leap onto a pair of guests costumed as a horse and ride them to safety. Unfortunately, your house is quickly burning to the ground, and the local fire department doesn’t have the chemicals needed to put out fires involving notoriously toxic Disney paraphernalia. On a positive note, you have an insurance policy from a very strange insurance company that covers such a cuteness-related fire. Unfortunately, the policy only pays in circus peanuts. Anyway, nobody liked your party except for a few of the teenagers who were just there for the free beer.

START OVER, YOU IDIOT!