Shady Acres Retirement Home:
"Leave those crazy, pesky elderly people
that you want to forget about with us!"

You decide to head to the local retirement home in an effort to recruit some help for your party, figuring that they've GOT to be bored enough to want to get out of there for a while. And hell, they're already pretty close to corpses anyway, right?

Now of course you realize that no geriatric is going to be fit for bouncer or bartender duty, but maybe you can get them to help with the clean-up crew. And you can probably get them to work cheap too, by offering them REAL food as payment. They probably get tired of all that damned applesauce all the time.

As you approach the retirement home, you notice that the whole place seems abandoned, and the front door is hanging off the hinges. "That's odd," you think to yourself as you draw nearer. You poke your head in through the door and into the darkened lobby. "Hello? Is anyone here?" you ask.

Just then an arm reaches out from the darkness and grabs you in a tight headlock. "WE'VE GOT ONE!" a shrill voice cries triumphantly, and you see several doddering old ladies come out of hiding places throughout the room. "Bring our catch to THE CHAMBER!" you hear one of them say as you are dragged down the hallway by a remarkably strong elderly woman.

They drag you into a large, well-lit room, where a score of elderly women are watching you eagerly from various tables around the room. You notice a bunch of elderly men snoozing off to the side, whether bored or drugged, you cannot tell.

"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

The woman who has you in her clutches leans into your ear and shouts "WE NEED SOMEONE TO CALL OUT OUR BINGO NUMBERS...AND THAT SOMEONE IS YOU, BITCH!" as she tightens her grip around your neck, causing you to gasp for air. They drag you up to a table at the front of the room and throw you roughly into a chair and tell you to start calling off numbers..."OR ELSE BLACK-EYE BETTY'LL POUND YOU INTO DENTURE PASTE!!!"

So there you spend the rest of the month, calling out Bingo numbers for a bunch of vicious old ladies, ready to piss yourself out of fear, and too pathetic to attempt an escape. The only kind of party YOU'RE going to see now is a Bingo Party, chump.

START OVER BINGO BOY!