Your hobo disciple yells about being a war veteran, and needing money to buy some of the things used by veterans to stave off nightmares and flashbacks for as long as possible. For a while, he gets no results, as he keeps saying that he is a veteran from medieval European wars and wars that never occurred, such as the gender wars and Star Wars. You pull him aside and after a half-hour of discussion, you both decide that he will be a veteran from Viet Nam.

You send the hobo back to his post, yelling from the street corner. He actually manages to get a fairly steady flow of donations from his pitiful story, and his odor helps give the impression that he really is a homeless, drunken veteran with numerous chemical dependency problems. After a few hours, you feel confident that you have enough money to finance a truly kick-ass Halloween party. Yes, things are really looking up.

As you are counting the money on the corner with the hobo, a man wearing some well-worn combat fatigues and a nasty-looking eye twitch shambles up to you. He tells you that he’s also a veteran of ‘Nam, and asks your hobo which platoon he served in. His answer of “the one with Cowboy and Eightball” seems to upset the real veteran, effectively doubling the rate of his eye twitch.

He reaches into his pocket and produces an aged sidearm, and begins ranting and waving the gun at the two of you. You fear for your life, but you notice as he’s dancing that he’s not carrying an actual gun, but rather one of the old toy guns that were banned because children that played with them kept getting shot by the police. You point this out, and you and the hobo share a good laugh at the war hero’s expense.

"Sorry, I know the difference between a real gun and Megatron."

Now he’s really mad, his eye twitching so fast that it starts to emit a hum. He reaches his empty hand into his pants and after a few moments of digging, produces a hand grenade. You laugh and look at the grenade closely to see if it says, “Playskool” on the side. It doesn’t. He pulls the pin, holds the grenade between the three of you, and yells something about not getting a parade. Unfortunately, the grenade, unlike the veteran himself, functions properly.
 

START AGAIN, YOU FULL METAL JACKASS!