"NICE COUPLE! CAN'T YOU TELL WE'RE NICE?
THAT'S BECAUSE ONLY NICE COUPLES CAN POSE LIKE THIS!"

Surely that nice-looking couple across the way would be interested in purchasing a high-quality baby such as this one. Heck, you may even give them a nice discount. You polish up the baby’s skull with your shirt before heading over to the couple.

Of course, you’ve never sold a baby before, and you haven’t seen that many movies that outline the experience either. You make as good a sales pitch as you’ve ever made, however, telling them about how this baby was only used on the weekends, and how it still has that “new baby” smell. You invite them to kick the tires, but they just give you a concerned look and rush into the building. You yell that they shouldn’t be concerned about mileage, but they don’t hear you. Or are ignoring you, it’s hard to tell.

You wait and wait outside the orphanage for more people to come by so you can try to sell of this baby again, but nobody else comes by. There just isn’t a great market for babies these days, what with the failing economy and the Japanese making small and efficient robot babies. You’re about to give up when the couple from before comes back out, this time accompanied by a small ten-year-old girl. This little girl has thrown a wrench into your carefully laid out, completely improvised plan, but you quickly compose yourself and make another attempt, this time convincing them that they should have two kids in case one of them becomes a street performer, or something. The little girl points at your baby and starts to say something, but you shush her and continue to press her new parents.

Satan incarnate

As you give them your new spiel, the girl steps forward and gives you a brutal kick in the shin. The kick, which rivaled that of a veteran soccer player’s in strength, makes you draw your leg up so that you can grab it and try to massage some of the pain away. Unfortunately, in doing so, you drop the baby. The faces of the parents go completely pale as the baby falls, but the little girl seems unaffected. You start to say through your gritted teeth that the baby is perfectly aerodynamic, but to your surprise, the baby’s head explodes when it hits the ground and reveals a cache of candy stored inside. The little girl scrambles to grab the candy, and the father goes over to the gutter to vomit. The mother’s face turns completely red, and she gathers the other two members of her family and storms off.

Well, at least you won’t be arrested for infanticide, but you won’t be able to get enough money to party proper on Halloween either. Oh well, you grab some candy from the false baby skull and walk off.

START AGAIN, EL GOOD GRIP!