Come to think of it, how did this precocious midget get stuck in the nether quarters of the sixteenth president? You submit the question, being very careful to leave out the part about him being a short bastard.

"Ah, 'tis a good question, me lad. Years ago, I was fleein’ from a group o’ maniacal children, trying to steal me namesake an’ kick the crap outta me for playin’ head games with 'em by addin’ marshmallow after marshmallow to me winnin’ cereal combination. Part o’ a balanced breakfast, ya hear? They just could’na handle rememberin’ all o’ the extra names an’ colors, bless their wee little brains. Then faith an’ begorrah, I find meself hidin’ behind the statue…"

He goes on and on like that, and you get very tired of his forced Irish brogue but quick. You cut him off as he starts to sing a little ditty about blue moons, green clovers, and god knows what else, and tell him to bottom-line it for you.

"Aye, well it turns out that when the monument were built, the artist crafted a mighty clever device to prevent people from tryin’ to steal the gold in Lincoln’s head: an arse trahhp!"

This gold sounds inviting, but that damned leprechaun’s accent obscured the last thing he said. Maybe stealing the gold from Lincoln’s head would be a better idea than continuing with this stupid treasure hunt. But what is protecting the head? You ask Lucky to repeat himself. And then again. And again. Finally, the man is fed up:

"Auughh, it’s a durned arse trahp, ye daft wanker!"

He slaps the statue right on the ass, accidentally reactivating the ass trap. Gale force winds draw the two of you deep into the posterior of the Lincoln monument.

"Oh my, 'tis a mighty bit o’ bad luck we got. Oh well, do ya want to hear a song about me pot o’ gold?"

Escape seems highly unlikely, especially considering that you still have the ass key in your pocket. You’d kill yourself, but your hands got stuck reaching around to check for the key. Sucks to be you.

"You'll not be getting my gold! Enjoy my cramped iron ass! Mwahahaha!!!"

WHAT AN ASSTASTIC JOB, START OVER!