You decide to head north from your current position. Thick vines and a devlish damp heat make your trek that much more difficult, and you're getting mighty tired of this friggin' jungle. "Yo, head. Am I going in the right direction, at all?" you ask Arnold. He responds with a cryptic "We are nearly thehah." and refuses to say 'anymohah'. Thirty seconds later, you feel the ground sink beneath your feet and realize all too late you've walked into a pitfall!

You fall several feet into a dark cavern and land on the mossy earth. Struggling to your feet, it appears Arnold has either left or is not paying attention, as your cries for him to vomit up some rope go unanswered. Your only choice is to follow the cavern into wherever it leads. Several minutes of stumbling through the darkness, you realize you see light and hear voices up ahead. The cave ends in an overlook of a massive chamber filled with people who appear to be the island natives. They're all kneeling and praying to a great, ominous black statue of...

...teen dream KIRK CAMERON, brother of teen dream CANDACE CAMERON. The islanders, who may (or may not) be cannibals, are chanting "Kir-ky, Kir-ky" while the high priest is reading from discarded scripts of Growing Pains. The insanity is almost too much for you to handle, but you lower yourself along the rock wall all the same to try and sneak past them. As you reach the floor, a little Vietnamese boy runs up to you and grabs your leg. Being the victim of lousy parenting, you shake him off and tell him to scram. This seems to break his little heart, and he grabs a huge torch.

Shouting "Indy! I love you!" he whacks you in the stomach with it, which not just gives you some second-degree burns, but also ruptures your appendix. The contents of the organ that is often named the garbage bag of the human body spread rapidly through your system, and as you collapse to the ground, everything starts to run together. You can't even remember the difference between Growing Pains and Family Ties anymore. Which one had a young Leonardo DiCaprio again? And whatever happened to that guy Nick who would always just say "yo?" He was so damn funny, he should've had his own show. It would just be called "Yo" and...

Unfortunately, your golden idea will no doubt be capitalized by those sleazy Hollywood fatcats, as the darkness overtakes you before you can have it legally trademarked.

START OVER, YOU HUMAN WASTE BAG!