You probably don't have a chance in hell against your nemesis if you just rush in unarmed, so you first scour the island for a weapon. Maybe a coconut, or a heavy branch, or that shoulder-mounted cannon that fires chainsaws you passed by earlier... distracted by your thoughts, you wander into an abandoned village. The place is dominated by the big stone head of some kind of ape, before which lie assorted fruits and human skulls. You glance into a nearby hut and see something.

Whatever it is, it looks like a mighty fine weapon. You sneak into the hut, pick up the strange contraption, and silently make your way out again. You think you're home free, but at the edge of the village, you're halted by a bunch of guys in strange masks. Wildly brandishing your newfound weapon, you tell them to back off. The natives don't seem very impressed. One of them asks you what you think you're doing with the Sacred Wand of Self-Pleasuring that belongs to their giant albino gorilla god, Honkey Kong. Shrieking in revulsion, you drop the device, but it's too late. Already you feel the bacteria of a dozen divine STDs crawling over your body. One of the natives asks if you're OK, but his voice seems to be coming from miles away. You collapse in the dirt, hoping that word of how you died will never reach your mom.

YOU SHOULD HAVE USED PROTECTION. START OVER!